Pissed Off

We have locked down a supervisor for our fourth year Research Project. I am elated.

On the downside, I don't think I've ever been so pissed off at Clinton in my entire life. In high school, I used to get pretty antsy with him. I remember talking to him when I was stressed out about a test or something and he seemed almost pleased with my stress. I could see him hide a smile now and then. You can't really go to Clinton with life problems because he doesn't care. Which is not his fault, it's just how he is. He doesn't pretend to be anything different.

This time, I'm getting pissed out because he is so fucking lazy. Him and the other guy in our group, Jacky (who is awesome), asked me to join theirs because they needed a third member. I was reluctant because I know Clinton isn't a big contributor in group projects but Jacky persuaded me by telling him he is a good worker (which he is).

We have managed thus far because Jacky and I have put in a lot of work into the project. We initiate meetings, write up research points, schedule meetings, do the research. The other day, we were in a jam because we had a couple of potential supervisors who were holding meetings but we'd already had a meeting with our current supervisor who'd sent us away to come back with a research proposal before he decided to take us on or not. We (Jacky and I) decided to schedule a meeting with our current supervisor on the day but before another potential supervisor so that if he accepted us, we wouldn't have to go to the other potential supervisor and waste our time.

We decided this on Wednesday and I was starting to freak out that we were unprepared. I suggested we hold a group meeting and Jacky agreed, despite the fact he wasn't even going into uni that day. I called Clinton to tell him this and I thought for sure he'd be fine with it given we had a very limited amount of time to put together a proposal that would impress this guy (we were quite desperate at that time and had already put in research for that project).

Holy fuck. I wish there was an app that allowed me to punch a person through a phone line. Bear in mind, Clinton only goes to uni twice a week for two compulsory tutes. He goes home straight after them so is effectively only at uni for four hours a week.

"Hey, can you come in for a meeting today because we just scheduled a meeting with Surgery Guy (current supervisor) on Friday and we desperately need to prepare," I said (in a less convoluted manner).
"I'm not coming into uni today," he replied.
"Yeah but we really need to have this meeting," I said. "And don't you have a bottle tute today? You're in my group..."
"Yeah, I'm not coming in."
"Clinton, we really need to have this meeting," I said, becoming not just frustrated but fucking furious. I was in the library at that time. If I was outside, I think I would have surely started yelling at him through the phone.
"I'm not coming in!" he said, all stubborn and childish.
"Okay, fine. See you later," I said and hung up.

I literally felt my whole body heat up and get uncomfortable and agitated after that. That's how I get when I'm really angry. I have a physical reaction and want to hurt someone/something (I know; very healthy. Good for when I'm a mother and my children piss me off, I'm sure...).

Do I even need to spell out what a shit bloke move that was? It was Jacky and I that put in pretty much all the work. We brainstormed and came up with the ideas. We organized. We delegated and yes, he did the research we assigned to him. But you know, it's meant to be a team effort. You can't just expect people to direct you. You have to contribute to discussions and brainstorm and take initiative. In all of our meetings so far, he's sat there, looking down and twiddling his thumbs while Jacky and I discuss and try to work through problems. In both meetings we've had with Surgery Guy, he literally has said nothing. Nothing.

We took the bus ride home together. I tried to ditch him after the meeting by saying I had to go to the bathroom and they should go ahead to the bus stop. Unfortunately, I caught up with him at Wellington. I just really couldn't be around him at that point because, even though we were successful with our research proposal, I was still so pissed off with him. When I do group work with people, I expect a certain level of contribution. I know Clinton is slack with his own work but I honestly expected him to contribute more in a group situation.

I've gotten to the point where just his stupid voice pisses me off. And his breathing and his laughter. Everything. Every mannerism. I have reached an unhealthy range of pissed offness.

J