Barf

I was just catching up on my daily (read: hourly) dose of Camelot and witnessed Igraine, Arthur's mother, being raped. It was potentially the most horrific thing I've ever seen. This is why I can't watch Pulp Fiction because I just know what's coming and want to barf everywhere.

J

Lymph Nodes

I decided lymph nodes are my favourite part of the body. Which is funny because they're not really a "part" as there are so many. I love lymph nodes for several reasons. I'll share them with you here:

1. They're adorable. They're like tiny little cream coloured jellybeans. Little cute things the size of my thumb nail.

2. They're the least disgusting part of the body. Okay, maybe I exaggerate. They're probably on par with kidneys. But cute kidneys. Not grotsky mangled ones. Nicely shaped ones that actually look like the beans.

3. Looking for them is like playing an (easy) game of Where's Wally. There's so many of them and they're usually pretty easy to find. They're probably the only body tissue I can easily identify. When I spot one, it's like coming home.

4. They protect me from infection. YEAH. LYMPH NODES.

5. Once, the tutor asked me a question about them and I ANSWERED CORRECTLY. This was basically the only and first time I've ever answered a question about bio correctly. I was so impressed with myself. I think the question was, "What is this?"

6. You can feel them from the outside. Which is awesome. I wonder if I could feel one so hard I could pulverise it with my fingers. 'Cos I'm like the hulk.

There's my 6 reasons (and counting) for lymph nodes being my favourite part of the body.

These ones are saying: HI! We're the 2 lymph nodes with the best real estate in the body!



J

Birds & Bees

I just realized how stupid my latest blog posts have been. Really short, stupid comments about shit all. I want to write something serious or funny but there's nothing interesting going on in my life right now.

A bird flew into my window this morning. I looked outside when I heard the noise and the poor thing was just sitting on the ground. The thing is, when birds fly into windows they don't look stunned even though they probably are. They don't even look confused. They just look like they're chilling on the ground. Which kind of is adorable because it's like they're trying not to appear embarrassed because they just flew into a window, you see. When I got to the window the bird tried to fly away because obviously my face is so offensive and terrifying for the creature. But it was still kind of stunned so it just flapped around a bit then landed in a garden bed and I lost sight of it. I hope it's okay.

Enthralling right? I know. I got my license yesterday. Off to do some burnouts.

J

I Need Help

I need new clothes desperately. I've been wearing the exact same clothes for the last nine months. It's terrific.

Also, I think that $2 Ruby Shoes nail polish I bought is making my nails disgusting. They're really brittle now and keep breaking. It's horrible.

J

Modesty is the Best Policy

Sure, honesty is good and all but I think modesty is important too. Take, for example, two sixth year medical students I recently encountered. The first is my NS physiology demonstrator. The second is Big Dickhead, the person who chaperoned us at Freo Hospital for our cardiovascular ward visit. Two very different people.

I like my NS physiology demonstrator. A lot. He's helpful, he's polite, he marks our work very timely. He has no airs or graces about him and always answers any questions we have willingly. When he noticed we all got a question wrong in our lab reports he actually went around to each group individually and explained it to them.

I hated my hospital chaperone. What a fucking asshole. The first thing he said to us? "If you have any questions about sixth year or WAMMS come talk to me. I'm VP of WAMMS." Holy shit. Over and over again, "I'm VP of WAMMS." When someone forgot his title and called him secretary or something to that effect he very quickly said, "NO, VP."

I know he was judging me when I couldn't answer one of the doctor's question. When someone did actually ask a question about sixth year he spoke condescendingly, about how he's never failed a unit, about how important it is to do extracurricular stuff like him, how he's so good at time management blah blah blah. Fuck that shit.

On the other hand, my NS physiology demonstrator, when asked about sixth year, was a complete sweetheart about it. There was no condescension. It was like he was just having a chat with them rather than speaking as the older, more experienced one.

If I had a question about sixth year I would not go to Big Dickhead. I would go to my lab demonstrator. Big Dickhead would probably say, "Pfft, don't worry about it. You probably won't even get to sixth year."

J

Are Yao Yao Ming?

Okay, so it might have been the Blueberry Heaven pancakes I had this morning but I swear to you that there's a guy that looks exactly like Yao Ming sitting on the ground floor of Reid Library. I've been trying to find excuses to look around (he's sitting 25m behind me) and sneak a peek. It's difficult but I'm getting there. He's even wearing a sweatshirt that makes him look all athletic and shit.

J

Taylor Swift - "Superman"

This is so on point (I don't know who I am anymore...). Off to watch more Camelot now...

J

True Blood

Holy shit. True Blood is flipping awesome. I'm only five minutes into the first episode. Even the intro is awesome. There's like... strippers and shit.

Oh and yeah, I'm studying...

J

When's Lunch?

I was devastated to learn that Camelot is only a 10 episode miniseries. I shouldn't be surprised with the great actors they pulled in for it though. Eva Green/Vesper Lynd, Tamsin Egerton/Princess Eleanora (SIR GADABOUT), Sinead Cusack/Mother Thornton ("A girl's love is like a puff of smoke...").

It got me thinking about another great British TV series... Robin Hood. I watched the first two seasons but when they killed Maid Marion, I was all, "Bitch please," and peaced out. Because who is Robin Hood without his Maid Marion? And it was really difficult to NOT sympathize with Guy of Gisborne given he was played by the majestic Richard Armitage/John Thornton. Is that guy ever not sexy? Seriously. His nose is sexy. There's this one scene towards the end of North & South where John Thornton is sleeping on his desk because he's been working there all night. He's pushed his shirtsleeves up to his elbows. Never have I seen a more majestic pair of forearms.

Okay, back to study.

Kisses.

J

She Dumb

Oh my God... Guinivere is so fucking dumb. So, what do you do when you're swimming on the beach nekkid/half-dressed and you see a perv perving on you? Naturally, run up to them, shove them to the ground, climb on top of them and threaten them with a dagger of course!

Good God.

J

This Time, I'm Actually On My Period

Guys.

I'm currently watching Camelot which is like Merlin but with tits and sex. It's fucking awesome! Okay, so it's not all tits and sex but it's more dramatic and non-comedic. I like the comedy in Merlin (sometimes...) but it gets old very quickly so Camelot is extremely satisfying in that respect.

It's just too bad that the guy who plays Arthur is just not... Well, he's no Bradley James. Strangely enough, I find the Merlin in Camelot to be more visually appealing than Arthur.

DEBAUCHERY.

J

She Looks at me Like I'm a Trend and She's so Over It

University has taught me how to feel incompetent. Pretty much throughout high school I was reasonably confident with my abilities. Now, I tend to have at least one bout of incompetence and out-of-my-leagueness per day.

On a completely different note...

Yesterday, I was walking to the bus stop with this girl, Sarah, from NS lab. Before that, she was telling me how she met this guy at a club who went to UWA too and they went on a date but she found out he didn't want anything serious and had a suicidal ex-girlfriend. As we're walking pass Octagon this guy comes over and he's all, "Hey!" Sarah goes slightly weird but still so much more composed than me and says, "Hey, Ben," and then some stuff about catching up, pleasantries etc. etc.

As he leaves, she says to me, "Oh geez... so that was Ben."

"Wow," I think to myself. "He was cute." And he was. Friendly, tall, nice face, nice body (sorry guys, I'm superficial). And, in my completely convoluted and slightly mean opinion, out of Sarah's league. It made me feel kind of good. Like maybe I had half a chance in life.

Well, that's my cool story bro. Back to study.

J

I'm Fucked

If you thought I felt shit yesterday, you won't believe how shit I feel today. Stabbed myself in the finger with a pin that was stuck in a cadaver. Spent 28 hours 75% sure I had tetanus or cadaver infection. I compared my predicament to District 9, Meg assured me I wouldn't wake up with Cadaver Hand.

Everyone keeps saying I'll be fine but my finger fucking hurts and is swollen. And the fucking infection control officer is not returning my emails and didn't pick up his stupid phone.

J

'Cos I Just Ate Two Cupcakes

I feel like shit. Tired, stressed out, alone, depressed, fat. I have to be honest. I am a stress eater. I think this is one of the main reasons I put on about 5kg from year 11-12. I would come home from a test that I sucked at and just binge eat for half an hour. Even when I was close to vomiting (or have my pants break open) I would keep looking for food to suppress feelings of failure.

On the plus side, I think my skin is getting better. Or at least it feels less disgusting and bumpy when I wash it. Maybe this is the end of the era of acne? Or maybe I will be blessed with pus filled zits for another five years? That would just be great.

Fuck good looking people. I hate them all.

J

Contemplating Shallow Graves

Check out the latest foreshers bulletin. I literally made my disgusted face (you know the one...) when I saw who the male profile was on. Gah, hate that guy. He just rubs me the wrong way. Everything about him just annoys me. His albino-esque appearance. His apparent love for thongs. His voice. The way he walks. When he answers a question and our tutor says, "WELL DONE, REECE."

Fuck that shit.

That is all... for now.

J

Smut Slut

Today, Big Michelle says to me, "You have a really good libido." She said I couldn't post it on facebook but I figure my blog is private enough to avoid getting weird stares from my relatives in any future interactions. Sometimes I question the integrity of her opinion of me.

I'm watching The Vampire Diaries right now instead of studying because studying sucks shit. Stefan and Elena just woke up in bed together. Naked. In other news, I explained to Little Mishelle and Big Michelle what premature ejaculation was today.

This blog post has been especially smutty. I enjoy that.

J

Katy Perry - "Not Like the Movies"

Perfect. I actually have a sekrit love for Katy Perry.

J

Take it All, Bitch

I always found it weird how quickly the people in Centre Stage became best friends. I could never become such good friends with people so quickly. Most of the time it's either because I'm scared shitless or I can't be bothered. It takes a lot of effort to think of conversation to make with someone. Maybe just for me. But I don't enjoy trying to think of stuff to talk about we could both mutually enjoy. Rather, I prefer to just spurt out shit I think of on the moment. As for being scared shitless... sometimes I'm just scared.

J

Rent - "Take Me Or Leave Me"

This is actually one of my most favourite songs ever.

I ruv it so.

And I relate to it so much to. I try to be modest but, you know, ever since puberty... everybody stares at me. Boys, girls. I can't help it, baby.

J

Biscuits

I just threw my cardigan in my mum's face and called her a cold bitch.

It was all because of the girl I tutor and her mum. Today, her mum gave me a box of biscuits. She said they were her family's favourite. I nearly burst into tears. It didn't help when she told me how in Yugoslavia her husband was a lawyer and she was a physiotherapist but here she's a cleaner because their papers are not recognized. Shit man.

She's like the nicest lady ever. Anyway, so I tell my mum what happened and she says, "There are sadder things in life." I think she's been hardened by life on the inside.

On the bright side, today's session was so much better than the last one. I actually knew what I was doing.

J

Withdrawal

I can't tell if I like this guy or it's just withdrawal symptoms from not crunching on someone (har har, NBK reference) that's getting to me.

It was weird on Monday at FCP. When F went up as part of his group presentation he folded his arms in this way that used to get me everytime... And this time, it got me for just this split second then I was like, "Oh shit." It was actually very traumatising.

J

Trolling in FCP Portfolio

... because my tutor's a fucker. And not the good kind like Mitch Hertzog.

Reflection – What I would do if I witnessed an accident where an individual lost consciousness
5/9/11

In all likelihood and depending on the severity of the accident witnessed, I myself would probably go into psychogenic shock. I believe that with age we develop resilience where we can deal with the situation effectively. Hopefully, this will come to me but given that I am but 18 and relatively inept, psychogenic shock is the most likely outcome for me at present.

If, however, I was able to overcome any adverse reaction to the situation there are several steps that should be taken to help the person involved in the accident.

The first step is to immediately seek medical help (eg: calling 000 or getting someone nearby to do so). Following this, lay the person on their back without elevating their head. If there are no obvious head injuries, elevate the legs to heart level. If the person is unconscious, turn them on their side (recovery position) and monitor ABC (airway, breathing, circulation). Remove any restrictive clothing and protect the person from environmental extremes such as temperature or stray rodents. Keep the patient’s lips moist but do not give them any food or water. If oxygen therapy is available, administer as required. Monitor the patient carefully and be prepared to administer EAR or CPR if situation worsens and if you know how to administer required treatments properly.

Above all, keep calm and carry on.

J

FCP Tutes: Lust urns to Rage

Fuck Reece. He is a dickhead in my FCP tute. Today, he answered this question right (to be honest, I could have answered it easily and I'm easily the stupidest and most inept person in my tute) except with this knowledgeable and wise tone. You know, that cocksucker one that egomaniacs love to indulge in. Naturally, my tutor is an egomaniac who laps that shit up.

He's so impressed by Reece's tomfuckery, praising him for his logical thinking.
The next question is for F who gets it wrong so guesses another answer incorrectly. The tutor says, "Don't guess! Think logically like Reece! See how he logics it out! So good. So pro. Be more like Reece!"
Fuck them all.

J

Wimbledon

Now that I have dusted my hands of F I can feel like I can back onto observing and enjoying life with complete freedom. Phwoar. That's quite the statement which I have exaggerated greatly.

Today at lunch, a kookaburra swooped down and literally snatched a piece of chicken off of Big Michelle's fork. The gall of some birds.

Speaking of gall, you missed out on a fun luncheon, Helen...

Yesternight, I was trying to describe to the appeal of Paul Bettany in Wimbledon to Big Michelle. It is a movie that, while being completely cheesy, is actually very attractive in my opinion. You see, I think it comes down to evolution. The whole point of evolution is to make babies and make a new generation that are better than the previous one. So when you see two talented people having sexy times it's like, "Yeah! Evolution and shit!" and it's immediately sexy and amazing.
Not to mention how hot as hale Paul Bettany is in it... Especially the calves of blonde male specimens with that fine blond fuzz. It's very attractive. Especially when encased in white socks and shoes. Hence why Wimbledon is my favourite sporting event in the history of athletics.
But I think a picture is worth a thousand words, so here:



Okay, so this picture doesn't exactly exhibit Paul Bettany's delightful calves but I looked up "paul bettany wimbledon" and this was one of the pictures that showed up so I just thought... what the hell, let's give the readers what they want.

This was actually the only picture that really exemplified his great calves but I wanted an action shot and couldn't find one. Oh well. At least you sort of get the best of both worlds here, if you know what I'm saying...

J

Your Song (Kate Walsh) Just Seems Wrong Now

So, I told Herren I was spiralling out of control given the newly discovered facts. And no joke, I think I am. I keep thinking about all the times I used to gaze at him and think about him and listen to sad, romantic songs and just dream and dream and dream.

And now, it's like... HOLY FUCK. And how I used to try and talk to him and get to know him and organize my times so we'd get a chance to talk.

Seriously. It's a joke. My life is actually a joke. I quite honestly don't know how to feel right now. I know it's so hilarious and ridiculous but it just doesn't make sense in my mind right now. I'm trying to match up the words "gay" with all the times I thought he was the perfect guy for me.

J

LAVA (Cake)

I'm at ALVA because I'm a rebel and not an architecture student. It's so great. Little Mishelle ditched me and is working on some other special, techy computers downstairs while I'm upstairs pretending to be a landscape, architecture or visual arts student. I feel like I blend right in.
I'm kind of hungry (read: very hungry) but I promised myself I would finish this lecture before I went to get food. That and I don't know how to get out! It's actually really maudlin in here. It's kind of grungy and messy and there's this moist-looking crumb next to my computer that I've been looking at for the last hour because it's just so foul. I keep thinking how gross it would be if I accidentally tripped or something and my face landed on the crumb and I accidentally ingested it.
If I see dog shit on the footpath I can't stop thinking about how gross it would be if I tripped and landed face first in it. I think this somehow increases my chances of this happening. It's like when Oprah says that if you want something to happen you believe it (something like that...) and it will happen. Yeah, I think that principle applies here.

Well, I'm off to finish my lecture so I can EAT because I'm so HUNGRY. Little Mishelle already ate "brunch" (read: dim sum) at 9.30am.
Oh yeah, on a final note... I am so glad I didn't take Kim's "advice" and just go all out and ask F out. Phew.

J

The Story Ends Here

To be honest, I feel like I never knew him at all. I guess this teaches me to never crush like that again. Part of me is relieved and glad because it wasn't normal and it wasn't healthy. It was just plain weird. And I'm an idiot.

J

Dem Shoes

Can I say that I fucking called it like four months ago.

It was the shoes.

J

My Life is a Joke

Today's trip to the hospital with F and another girl from our tute, Sophie the Spastic Eagle, was extremely, extremely fruitful. Like... the juiciest fruit ever. Just imagine the best thing that could have happened... invert it and put it to the power of 69.

Since getting home from uni I haven't stopped smiling.
I learnt so so so many things about F today. Like you wouldn't believe. Here:
1. He's blind without his glasses. Or contacts as he uses now.

2. He has hipster friends.

3. I was right about him being self-conscious about his body...

4. He smokes.

5. He has substance abuse problems. Alcohol mostly but I think other things were also mentioned.

6. He loves watching the same movies he likes over and over.

7. He took public transport to the hospital, like me, but unlike me it only took him a 25 minute bus.

8. He's on a permanent diet.

9. He takes diet pills.

10. He doesn't eat.

11. He used to be bullimic.

12. He listens to Kesha, Britney Spears, Cindy Lauper and Lady Gaga. And Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen.

13. He has a crush on someone.

14. It's a boy. And F is gay.

J