A good way to spend your afternoon is to hold back tears for the two hours you tutor two amazing, naive and somehow inspirational little girls and then break down into a sloppy mess in front of your parents.
The last few days have been both better and worse. I feel happy and normal one minute then a couple of hours later, I'm crying in the shower so no one will hear me.
I watched Smash last night and that provided some distraction. I have a similar leather jacket with fur collar like the one Katharine McPhee wore in last night's episode. This morning, I watch the midseason finale of Pretty Little Liars which was, obviously, amazing. Big ol' BetrAyal going on. The older sister of the girls I tutor watches Pretty Little Liars and when I told her the midseason finale was available online since this morning, she spazzed out and raced home to watch it.
I got a new phone on a $39 plan. Way too much credit ($650) for me to ever use but nonetheless, expect a whole lot of texts in the not-too-distant future. Shit gonna get cray.
J
About Me
- Junaberry
- I'm a student from Australia who used to have a lot of time on her hands but doesn't have that much anymore. Now she has other stuff on her hands.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Feels
I'm better. I'm not 100% but I'm better than before. I had a decent morning then did shit in my continuous assessment. Loitering around uni while I waited for my brother to get a lift home, I started feeling depressed again and cried a little.
The main thing is that I'm scared. If things stayed as they are now until the day I die, I wouldn't be so scared. But I'm scared it will get worse and then unbearable. I can't deal with that and I don't know if I'll be able to.
Yesterday, I played an unhealthy game. I thought about the things I would do or sacrifice if I was able to go back to normal and not have tinnitus anymore. Things included cutting my own finger off, being stabbed, being raped, transferring this condition onto someone else (of my choosing; I wouldn't wish this on anyone I love or even like) and other horrible things. It went to a bad place and I laid in my room for a while and felt sorry for myself.
I just want to feel safe and good again.
It's Little Mishelle's birthday tomorrow. I got something for her. I hope she likes it.
J
The main thing is that I'm scared. If things stayed as they are now until the day I die, I wouldn't be so scared. But I'm scared it will get worse and then unbearable. I can't deal with that and I don't know if I'll be able to.
Yesterday, I played an unhealthy game. I thought about the things I would do or sacrifice if I was able to go back to normal and not have tinnitus anymore. Things included cutting my own finger off, being stabbed, being raped, transferring this condition onto someone else (of my choosing; I wouldn't wish this on anyone I love or even like) and other horrible things. It went to a bad place and I laid in my room for a while and felt sorry for myself.
I just want to feel safe and good again.
It's Little Mishelle's birthday tomorrow. I got something for her. I hope she likes it.
J
Friday, August 24, 2012
An Afternoon at 19
Today, I daydreamed about what it would be like if I didn't have tinnitus. Life would be so much better and easier.
I remember what silence was like and it was wonderful. I envy people who can lie in bed in the quiet mornings and read a book because I can't do this anymore. I envy people who can go to bed and appreciate the peace and quiet of the experience. Bedtime is my noisiest time.
What scares me is how my condition progresses. Since I got it, it has gradually gotten worse. Usually in jumps. One day, I'll wake up and it'll be worse. I will get used to it. Then four months later, I'll wake up again and it'll be worse. And I'll have to get used to it all over again.
This time it feels like I can't get used to it. It's gotten bad. It's no longer a continuous noise like before. The background noise is still there but now there are different tones that stop and start. I can't block out something when it changes so often.
I'm scared about what it'll be like 10 years or 20 years from now.
I'm sad that there is no treatment or cure.
I miss and crave my younger years (when I didn't have this) with this aching desperation and depression that I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of.
10 years from now I won't even remember what that precious silence felt like. When I was nine and would lie in my mum's bed on Sunday morning when it was quiet without a second though. Complete freedom and joy and childish hope and all this shit I don't have anymore.
Now I'm crying on the ground floor of science library. It seems like there are people all around but I'm stuck here in this imperfect and abnormal state. It's been years now. Years. It almost feels normal now, even though it still bothers me, to hear this constant sound. But when I compare it to what I used to have, I feel so empty and alone and hopeless.
J
I remember what silence was like and it was wonderful. I envy people who can lie in bed in the quiet mornings and read a book because I can't do this anymore. I envy people who can go to bed and appreciate the peace and quiet of the experience. Bedtime is my noisiest time.
What scares me is how my condition progresses. Since I got it, it has gradually gotten worse. Usually in jumps. One day, I'll wake up and it'll be worse. I will get used to it. Then four months later, I'll wake up again and it'll be worse. And I'll have to get used to it all over again.
This time it feels like I can't get used to it. It's gotten bad. It's no longer a continuous noise like before. The background noise is still there but now there are different tones that stop and start. I can't block out something when it changes so often.
I'm scared about what it'll be like 10 years or 20 years from now.
I'm sad that there is no treatment or cure.
I miss and crave my younger years (when I didn't have this) with this aching desperation and depression that I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of.
10 years from now I won't even remember what that precious silence felt like. When I was nine and would lie in my mum's bed on Sunday morning when it was quiet without a second though. Complete freedom and joy and childish hope and all this shit I don't have anymore.
Now I'm crying on the ground floor of science library. It seems like there are people all around but I'm stuck here in this imperfect and abnormal state. It's been years now. Years. It almost feels normal now, even though it still bothers me, to hear this constant sound. But when I compare it to what I used to have, I feel so empty and alone and hopeless.
J
Thursday, August 23, 2012
This is Real Life
Since October of 2010, I've had a condition called tinnitus. You can look it up.
Anytime I have mentioned being down or depressed on my blogs, it has in all likelihood been related to this.
There are days when I feel like my head is about to explode and nothing is worth living through this. Then there are days when I'm able to ignore it and live happily and like any other person without tinnitus. It's still there but I can go to bed and go to sleep easily by letting it fade into background noise.
I have to constantly remind myself that this is possible whenever I reach a state of hysteracy and desperation. There have been days or weeks when I have wanted to end everything over this. But for the majority of the time, I live like I did when I was younger and without this.
I wanted to write about this here because... I'm going through another period of being down about it. When it changes or gets worse, I spend days obsessing over it and going to my room, where it's quiet, to listen and drive myself to insanity.
Perhaps the worst part is feeling alone in this. There is no way to quantitate how I feel or what I am experiencing.
I believe that, regardless of how it progresses or what happens, I can live a happy life. There are more important things and happier things I should focus on. My family and friends. My future.
Many people have it worse out there. People with arthritis who suffer through agonizing pain every second of the day, for one thing.
I should be thankful of what I have. I am and I appreciate people who have checked in to see how I am.
It's like climbing out of a well (think The Dark Knight Rises) when this happens. I'm nearly there.
J
Anytime I have mentioned being down or depressed on my blogs, it has in all likelihood been related to this.
There are days when I feel like my head is about to explode and nothing is worth living through this. Then there are days when I'm able to ignore it and live happily and like any other person without tinnitus. It's still there but I can go to bed and go to sleep easily by letting it fade into background noise.
I have to constantly remind myself that this is possible whenever I reach a state of hysteracy and desperation. There have been days or weeks when I have wanted to end everything over this. But for the majority of the time, I live like I did when I was younger and without this.
I wanted to write about this here because... I'm going through another period of being down about it. When it changes or gets worse, I spend days obsessing over it and going to my room, where it's quiet, to listen and drive myself to insanity.
Perhaps the worst part is feeling alone in this. There is no way to quantitate how I feel or what I am experiencing.
I believe that, regardless of how it progresses or what happens, I can live a happy life. There are more important things and happier things I should focus on. My family and friends. My future.
Many people have it worse out there. People with arthritis who suffer through agonizing pain every second of the day, for one thing.
I should be thankful of what I have. I am and I appreciate people who have checked in to see how I am.
It's like climbing out of a well (think The Dark Knight Rises) when this happens. I'm nearly there.
J
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Mix It All Together and You Know You've Got...
A wise woman once told me, "Life's what you make it," (as well as other gems including, "Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days," and "Nobody's perfect, I've got to work it again and again 'til I get it right"). In honour of her, I woke up today feeling infinitely better.
J
J
Monday, August 20, 2012
That's What Going On (Nothing's Fine, I'm Corn)
The last few days have been draining. The sensation of depression or melancholy or whatever you want to call it is almost always more draining than the problem or issue at hand. It is the feeling of going to sleep with something lodged in your throat and a clawing or empty feeling in your heart and belly and waking up with the same feeling, no peace from the night's sleep, that accumulates and takes over your body.
You don't feel like you anymore and you don't feel normal. You can sit in a crowded room and feel unbearable loneliness or feel like at any second you will dissolve into tears. You have no consolation or comfort.
I have a doctor's appointment at 9am tomorrow morning. Hopefully there will be something resolved. Otherwise I'll just get on with it. This time next week, I'll be happy again. Maybe by the time you read this, I really will be fine. Regardless, I'm just talking here and you don't really need to pay attention to this post.
J
You don't feel like you anymore and you don't feel normal. You can sit in a crowded room and feel unbearable loneliness or feel like at any second you will dissolve into tears. You have no consolation or comfort.
I have a doctor's appointment at 9am tomorrow morning. Hopefully there will be something resolved. Otherwise I'll just get on with it. This time next week, I'll be happy again. Maybe by the time you read this, I really will be fine. Regardless, I'm just talking here and you don't really need to pay attention to this post.
J
Thursday, August 16, 2012
One Direction Lyric Changes
Thank you, Kim, for what has made my day infinitely better. I think the main message from watching this hilarious video is that Harry is by far the most amazing member of One Direction.
I legitimately pissed myself a little during this. The "Gotta Be You" substitutions had me reaching for a Poise panty liner.
J
To Be Ignored
I feel I am more frequently depressed than most people. Perhaps the intensity of the feeling is not as bad as others but it comes so often. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the next wave.
I can live so happily for several days and then feel like all good things that have happened to me have no meaning. Everything becomes dull and lonely.
I think it's just part of my chemistry or construction or something. Some are more doomed than others. I envy people who are perpetually happy but, then again, it's likely they're not as happy as they seem.
J
I can live so happily for several days and then feel like all good things that have happened to me have no meaning. Everything becomes dull and lonely.
I think it's just part of my chemistry or construction or something. Some are more doomed than others. I envy people who are perpetually happy but, then again, it's likely they're not as happy as they seem.
J
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Up All Night
Not gonna lie. I'm watching One Direction, Up All Night (live tour) DVD right now. The girl I tutor lent it to me. Every time she comes on Wednesday afternoons, we spend at least five minutes discussing One Direction (lucky betch is going to the concert next year), Taylor Swift and the dards at her school. Brings me back to the good ol' days when I didn't have to hide (although I don't really do this now) my indiscretions (eg: 1D).
J
More Facial Hair Thoughts
It cracks me up that guys my age are able to (and do) grow facial hair.
WHEN DID WE BECOME ADULTS?
J
WHEN DID WE BECOME ADULTS?
J
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Robert Pattinson on Jimmy Kimmel
Things to watch this interview for:
1. "Just the tip."
2. "Probing."
3. "Cancerous owl."
J
1. "Just the tip."
2. "Probing."
3. "Cancerous owl."
J
Red
Guys:
1. Taylor Swift's new album, Red, is coming out October 22.
2. Her first single, "We Are Never Getting Back Together," is out today!
3. I'M SHITTING MY PANTIES.
http://www.take40.com/news/33454/listen:-taylor-swift-new-song---we-are-never-ever-getting-back-together!
I don't know how to feel about the single... It doesn't feel very Taylor (probably because she had a billion collaborators this album compared to her other three). It kind of feels like a confused Avril Lavigne. SHE sounds good. It's different. I will warm up to it.
J
1. Taylor Swift's new album, Red, is coming out October 22.
2. Her first single, "We Are Never Getting Back Together," is out today!
3. I'M SHITTING MY PANTIES.
http://www.take40.com/news/33454/listen:-taylor-swift-new-song---we-are-never-ever-getting-back-together!
I don't know how to feel about the single... It doesn't feel very Taylor (probably because she had a billion collaborators this album compared to her other three). It kind of feels like a confused Avril Lavigne. SHE sounds good. It's different. I will warm up to it.
J
Friday, August 10, 2012
The Trouble With Twins
There's a male set of identical twins in our year of med. When I say identical, I truly mean identical. I don't mean Caitlyn and Laura identical. While they're "identical" in the genetic sense of the word perhaps, I feel it is obvious to anyone which one is Laura and which one is Caitlyn (except to that one guy at uni who called Laura Caitlyn). This male set of twins, however, are well and truly identical.
One of them is in my FCP tute. The other I have never met. I was walking around outside social sciences today, trying to find my tute room. I saw one of the twins standing next to a map, clearly looking for his room. I awkwardly looked at the map from behind him. I wasn't sure if I should say anything or if I should just assume it was the twin I'm familiar with and then have a laugh about it later if it wasn't or something to that effect.
Anyway. Some few awkward moments passed until he became aware of me lingering at his posterior. He glanced back. I said, "Any idea where our tutes are?" He responded with the negative with a sunny disposition nonetheless. We walked through part of social sciences for a while in this sort of together, sort of not, altogether borderline awkward way. I eventually asked a couple for directions and it turns out we were in the wrong building altogether.
My question to you is this: what should I have done?
J
One of them is in my FCP tute. The other I have never met. I was walking around outside social sciences today, trying to find my tute room. I saw one of the twins standing next to a map, clearly looking for his room. I awkwardly looked at the map from behind him. I wasn't sure if I should say anything or if I should just assume it was the twin I'm familiar with and then have a laugh about it later if it wasn't or something to that effect.
Anyway. Some few awkward moments passed until he became aware of me lingering at his posterior. He glanced back. I said, "Any idea where our tutes are?" He responded with the negative with a sunny disposition nonetheless. We walked through part of social sciences for a while in this sort of together, sort of not, altogether borderline awkward way. I eventually asked a couple for directions and it turns out we were in the wrong building altogether.
My question to you is this: what should I have done?
J
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Life is a Battlefield
Today was a mixture of shit and not-so-shit.
Something about me: my face goes red a lot. Sometimes it's from blushing (ie: embarrassment) but most of the time, it's because the room is stuffy or I'm overheated or I'm just red. Today, in our FCP tute, I knew I was red. My face felt like it was on fire. We were also examining/palpating half-naked boys in the tute. Thankfully, Big Michelle pointed out how red I was (with a giggle) so I could spend the rest of the day feeling embarrassed over the fact everyone probably thought I was reacting to the amount of nipple I was witnessing.
As for the good... Tareq was the sixth year demonstrator in our tute and whipped off his shirt (unfortunately leaving a black wife beater on... but still, I love a good wife beater) so the other sixth year could demonstrate a shoulder examination. Guys, he has great definition. He is slender but toned; the perfect combination. Those arms (those deltoids! Those biceps brachii!) and the slight hint of pectoralis major underneath that black wife beater... Yeah, so maybe I DID go red from the sight of that male specimen. We'll never know.
As for Friendquest 2012, there were ~three conquests today:
1. Grant, the friend Laura brought to lunch today. He was nice. I tried to talk to him a bit. Seems like a nice guy and friendly and open.
2. Bee, the "loner" I targeted a while ago. She is honestly so nice and refreshing. I should have walked to the bus with her after we finished anatomy lab but I wanted to piss and eat all my almonds myself. Micturition and greed win again. Next time, guys.
3. Rebekah, Big Michelle's friend. I don't know if this counts. We've never been formally introduced but we've exchanged a few (as in... three or four) words before. It's always awkward when you sort of "slide" into friendly acquaintancehood. I think next time, I'll just throw out a, "So, you're Rebekah, right?" That's casual enough, right?
That's it for now. I'm going to write up some lecture notes, eat dinner then sleep in until 7.30am tomorrow (FCP lecture cancelled, whoop whoop). See you all on the other side.
J
Something about me: my face goes red a lot. Sometimes it's from blushing (ie: embarrassment) but most of the time, it's because the room is stuffy or I'm overheated or I'm just red. Today, in our FCP tute, I knew I was red. My face felt like it was on fire. We were also examining/palpating half-naked boys in the tute. Thankfully, Big Michelle pointed out how red I was (with a giggle) so I could spend the rest of the day feeling embarrassed over the fact everyone probably thought I was reacting to the amount of nipple I was witnessing.
As for the good... Tareq was the sixth year demonstrator in our tute and whipped off his shirt (unfortunately leaving a black wife beater on... but still, I love a good wife beater) so the other sixth year could demonstrate a shoulder examination. Guys, he has great definition. He is slender but toned; the perfect combination. Those arms (those deltoids! Those biceps brachii!) and the slight hint of pectoralis major underneath that black wife beater... Yeah, so maybe I DID go red from the sight of that male specimen. We'll never know.
As for Friendquest 2012, there were ~three conquests today:
1. Grant, the friend Laura brought to lunch today. He was nice. I tried to talk to him a bit. Seems like a nice guy and friendly and open.
2. Bee, the "loner" I targeted a while ago. She is honestly so nice and refreshing. I should have walked to the bus with her after we finished anatomy lab but I wanted to piss and eat all my almonds myself. Micturition and greed win again. Next time, guys.
3. Rebekah, Big Michelle's friend. I don't know if this counts. We've never been formally introduced but we've exchanged a few (as in... three or four) words before. It's always awkward when you sort of "slide" into friendly acquaintancehood. I think next time, I'll just throw out a, "So, you're Rebekah, right?" That's casual enough, right?
That's it for now. I'm going to write up some lecture notes, eat dinner then sleep in until 7.30am tomorrow (FCP lecture cancelled, whoop whoop). See you all on the other side.
J
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
The Magic of Tareq
I have spoken of him several times. He is beauty incarnated. He has it all; looks, humour, kindness, wit, intelligence, compassion and charm.
He was a lab demonstrator in our muscle lab today. He helped us with a couple of things including where the fuck all these electrodes went. We were supposed to be stimulating the ulnar nerve. He asked us, "So, where is the ulnar nerve?" We ummed and ahhed. Then I said, "The ulnar area." He laughed (mostly out of pity/because it was the socially acceptable thing to do). I don't care. I made Tareq laugh (with pity OR because he was aroused by me).
Then he said, "It runs here," and touched his elbow. "What's this?" he said. "Medial epicondyle," I responded. It was correct. It made my life worth it.
He touched the forearm of the girl who was having the electrodes placed on her. I wish it had been me.
He demonstrated how to stimulate the ulnar nerve. So much confidence, so much knowledge.
He could literally have any girl he wanted. From all walks of life and social groups. He is the perfect male specimen. Am I exaggerating? In some ways yes (obviously, no one can be PERFECT) but in some ways no. He literally has it all.
In other news, I just shaved them pits. They will be fresh as a daisy (hopefully) tomorrow. Ready to get my shoulder area palpated/examined! BRING IT ON (just not by the hottie in our tute...).
J
He was a lab demonstrator in our muscle lab today. He helped us with a couple of things including where the fuck all these electrodes went. We were supposed to be stimulating the ulnar nerve. He asked us, "So, where is the ulnar nerve?" We ummed and ahhed. Then I said, "The ulnar area." He laughed (mostly out of pity/because it was the socially acceptable thing to do). I don't care. I made Tareq laugh (with pity OR because he was aroused by me).
Then he said, "It runs here," and touched his elbow. "What's this?" he said. "Medial epicondyle," I responded. It was correct. It made my life worth it.
He touched the forearm of the girl who was having the electrodes placed on her. I wish it had been me.
He demonstrated how to stimulate the ulnar nerve. So much confidence, so much knowledge.
He could literally have any girl he wanted. From all walks of life and social groups. He is the perfect male specimen. Am I exaggerating? In some ways yes (obviously, no one can be PERFECT) but in some ways no. He literally has it all.
In other news, I just shaved them pits. They will be fresh as a daisy (hopefully) tomorrow. Ready to get my shoulder area palpated/examined! BRING IT ON (just not by the hottie in our tute...).
J
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The Little Accomplishments
I just got home from a mega bus ride after a 5pm finish (technically 6pm but Big Michelle and I skipped out early) and am straight here reporting today's results of Friendquest 2012. My dedication to you lot is admirable:
1. Successfully waved and got a wave back from Sarah who, in case you've forgotten, ignored my last attempt at greeting her. This was even on a grander scale as we were on opposite sides of the large walkway in front of science library. I don't know, guys. We might even be kindred spirits.
2. Successfully waved and got a smile back from another Sarah who was in my FCP tutes last year. She and I were pretty good friends back then but we hadn't really seen each other since then and it had descended into awkwardness whenever we did chance to be in each others' proximity as we both refrained from saying hi. Big step.
In other news... I am so effing tired. Uni life otherwise:
1. I've been spending WAY too much money on food, mostly junky snacks like the scone I bought today from arts cafe... It wasn't even good.
2. I officially have too much free time and have started writing notes for lectures BEFORE the lectures themselves. Um...
3. Chicken-shitted out of joining writers' club today. It wasn't like I was actually fearful of the people manning the shitty little stall (they were typical nerds, in my opinion). I was potentially just too lazy to interact.
J
1. Successfully waved and got a wave back from Sarah who, in case you've forgotten, ignored my last attempt at greeting her. This was even on a grander scale as we were on opposite sides of the large walkway in front of science library. I don't know, guys. We might even be kindred spirits.
2. Successfully waved and got a smile back from another Sarah who was in my FCP tutes last year. She and I were pretty good friends back then but we hadn't really seen each other since then and it had descended into awkwardness whenever we did chance to be in each others' proximity as we both refrained from saying hi. Big step.
In other news... I am so effing tired. Uni life otherwise:
1. I've been spending WAY too much money on food, mostly junky snacks like the scone I bought today from arts cafe... It wasn't even good.
2. I officially have too much free time and have started writing notes for lectures BEFORE the lectures themselves. Um...
3. Chicken-shitted out of joining writers' club today. It wasn't like I was actually fearful of the people manning the shitty little stall (they were typical nerds, in my opinion). I was potentially just too lazy to interact.
J
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Sigh and Potentially TMI
"From Narelle on LMS:
This week you will have the first clinical skills tutorial for this semester. The tutorial will mainly focus on examination of the shoulder and we will have 6th Year students helping out as well as an ultrasound demonstration during the tutorial.
As with previous semesters there will be peer examination in many of our tutorials and this week is no exception. Exposure required for a shoulder examination is - removal of shirt for males and a singlet/camisole top or similar sports top for females. You need to be able to inspect not only the shoulder joint itself but also the clavicular and scapular area. Just "rolling up a sleeve" is not sufficient.
Just a reminder that it is important that all students are prepared to be "the patient" to allow every student equal opportunity to practice.
Please remember to help your tutor by tidying up the tutorial room (ie chairs/beds against the walls, rubbish in bins etc) before leaving at the end of your session. I hope you enjoy the clinical skills tutorials this semester which are predominantly examination focussed. If you have any questions or concerns regarding these tutorials please don't hesistate to send me an email or post on the clinical skills discussion board on LMS if you think others would benefit from the answer.
Kind regards,
Narelle Kealley
Year 2 Clinical Skills Coordinator"
Sigh... Looks like I'll have to shave (it was good while it lasted, winter).
J
This week you will have the first clinical skills tutorial for this semester. The tutorial will mainly focus on examination of the shoulder and we will have 6th Year students helping out as well as an ultrasound demonstration during the tutorial.
As with previous semesters there will be peer examination in many of our tutorials and this week is no exception. Exposure required for a shoulder examination is - removal of shirt for males and a singlet/camisole top or similar sports top for females. You need to be able to inspect not only the shoulder joint itself but also the clavicular and scapular area. Just "rolling up a sleeve" is not sufficient.
Just a reminder that it is important that all students are prepared to be "the patient" to allow every student equal opportunity to practice.
Please remember to help your tutor by tidying up the tutorial room (ie chairs/beds against the walls, rubbish in bins etc) before leaving at the end of your session. I hope you enjoy the clinical skills tutorials this semester which are predominantly examination focussed. If you have any questions or concerns regarding these tutorials please don't hesistate to send me an email or post on the clinical skills discussion board on LMS if you think others would benefit from the answer.
Kind regards,
Narelle Kealley
Year 2 Clinical Skills Coordinator"
Sigh... Looks like I'll have to shave (it was good while it lasted, winter).
J
This Weekend
Feels so weird. I have no work to do...
All I did yesterday (work wise) was finish off a couple of lectures notes. Then Meg and I went to see an early showing of Magic Mike in which I sat next to a couple of older ladies (maybe 60s). Wow, this movie! It was a mixture of depressing storylines, arousal and headiness. I would go again though. I did not expect the moves to be quite so graphic. You know, I expected gyrating and the rest of it but all that thrusting up on women and fellatio/female-fellatio imitations... I feel like I have become a woman.
This morning, I ate a lot of junk for "breakfast" and then I "carb-loaded" for lunch. This is sad because what runners eat for carb-loading before races (yeah, I read way too many fitness/health/diet blogs nowadays and it does not compare favourably to my own lifestyle) is what I eat everyday. In fact, I eat more. In fact, I'm a pig.
A few minutes ago, I decided I would write up all my lecture notes early for this week and just add to them as the week went on. Unfortunately, none have been uploaded onto LMS. Motherfuckaaaz. I took this as a sign.
Now, I return to the internet. Always available and keen. Like your mum.
J
All I did yesterday (work wise) was finish off a couple of lectures notes. Then Meg and I went to see an early showing of Magic Mike in which I sat next to a couple of older ladies (maybe 60s). Wow, this movie! It was a mixture of depressing storylines, arousal and headiness. I would go again though. I did not expect the moves to be quite so graphic. You know, I expected gyrating and the rest of it but all that thrusting up on women and fellatio/female-fellatio imitations... I feel like I have become a woman.
This morning, I ate a lot of junk for "breakfast" and then I "carb-loaded" for lunch. This is sad because what runners eat for carb-loading before races (yeah, I read way too many fitness/health/diet blogs nowadays and it does not compare favourably to my own lifestyle) is what I eat everyday. In fact, I eat more. In fact, I'm a pig.
A few minutes ago, I decided I would write up all my lecture notes early for this week and just add to them as the week went on. Unfortunately, none have been uploaded onto LMS. Motherfuckaaaz. I took this as a sign.
Now, I return to the internet. Always available and keen. Like your mum.
J
Friday, August 3, 2012
Update on Friendquest 2012 and Why I Hate People
1. Firstly, why I hate people:
I was sitting behind a girl in the FCP lecture this morning. I would say she has a Middle Eastern background and has kind of wavy, dark hair. Midway through the lecture, she simply twisted her hair around (no elastics or pins) and suddenly her hair was in one of those very chic messy buns. I stared at the back of her head with a mixture of amazement and jealousy.
You might as well classify her as having White people hair because I know White people are very able to do this as well. Meanwhile, me and my Asian hair has trouble staying in a bun WITH elastics and various pins and clips. In addition, my thick, wiry Asian hair means curling my hair without a shit tonne of hairspray is basically a no-go.
2. Secondly, update on Friendquest 2012:
I endeavoured to sit next to some sort of aquaintance in FCP this morning given I knew that none of my friends (the ones I feel comfortable sitting next to with no hesitation) would be attending. It started off on a bad omen when I couldn't even find the lecture theatre. I was talking to a couple of other girls in med who were looking for it as well. Maybe it was my early morning nerves making my voice too quiet but it felt like they were just ignoring me (not rudely but only sort of accepting my presence) while only responding to one another with any kind of enthusiasm.
When I got to the lecture theatre, I looked for some kind of acquaintance to sit next to but found none. Like a lioness, I try to pick off the loners who I know somewhat. There are a few (but none were evident in the FCP lecture).
One is a girl I am acquainted with through my time at Kumon (although she seemingly doesn't remember me from Kumon. I introduced myself to her last year nonetheless). She walked out of the lecture theatre first and I basically followed five paces behind her for about 100m, trying to find the right pace to catch up with her and express a very cool, "Hey, how's it going?" We would then descend into a passionate discussion about our holidays and what mundane activities we indulged in.
Unfortunately, this plan did not come to pass.
Just as I was building the courage and speed to walk abreast with her, one of her (few) friends from med caught up to her and they began an animated discussion. I lost all nerve to join in and ended up walking to the NS lecture on the other side of campus alone.
There, I sat with Big Michelle. Things started to look up at this point when one James came to sit next to me/us. We greeted one another. During the break (it was a double lecture), we talked quite extensively about our holidays, architecture in London (yes, I unashamedly name-dropped Little Mishelle and her passion for that architect with the weird name), a secret New York subway station at the end of one of the routes that was built in the late 1800s and decorated in some sort of French imperial style, how White-washed England is and our newfound passion for anatomy labs. I enjoyed the conversation.
Meg and I have also resolved to attend the Global Health Short Course some time in the next couple of weeks.
Unfortunately, the clubs I wanted to join this semester may not work out... I want to tutor and the girls I tutor do A LOT of extracurricular activities. Writers' club still hasn't decided on a meeting date (and I really, really want to attend). Save the Children has its meeting on Wednesdays when I usually have no classes and is my usual tutoring day. Hopefully things work out because I want to do a lot this semester and enjoy it.
I feel more confident with Friendquest 2012. I have this urge to get out there. I think good things will happen this semester.
Lastly, honourable mention to Sarah who I ate lunch with this arvo and spilt a hedgehog slice with. I liked her pants today. And her swagger.
J
I was sitting behind a girl in the FCP lecture this morning. I would say she has a Middle Eastern background and has kind of wavy, dark hair. Midway through the lecture, she simply twisted her hair around (no elastics or pins) and suddenly her hair was in one of those very chic messy buns. I stared at the back of her head with a mixture of amazement and jealousy.
You might as well classify her as having White people hair because I know White people are very able to do this as well. Meanwhile, me and my Asian hair has trouble staying in a bun WITH elastics and various pins and clips. In addition, my thick, wiry Asian hair means curling my hair without a shit tonne of hairspray is basically a no-go.
2. Secondly, update on Friendquest 2012:
I endeavoured to sit next to some sort of aquaintance in FCP this morning given I knew that none of my friends (the ones I feel comfortable sitting next to with no hesitation) would be attending. It started off on a bad omen when I couldn't even find the lecture theatre. I was talking to a couple of other girls in med who were looking for it as well. Maybe it was my early morning nerves making my voice too quiet but it felt like they were just ignoring me (not rudely but only sort of accepting my presence) while only responding to one another with any kind of enthusiasm.
When I got to the lecture theatre, I looked for some kind of acquaintance to sit next to but found none. Like a lioness, I try to pick off the loners who I know somewhat. There are a few (but none were evident in the FCP lecture).
One is a girl I am acquainted with through my time at Kumon (although she seemingly doesn't remember me from Kumon. I introduced myself to her last year nonetheless). She walked out of the lecture theatre first and I basically followed five paces behind her for about 100m, trying to find the right pace to catch up with her and express a very cool, "Hey, how's it going?" We would then descend into a passionate discussion about our holidays and what mundane activities we indulged in.
Unfortunately, this plan did not come to pass.
Just as I was building the courage and speed to walk abreast with her, one of her (few) friends from med caught up to her and they began an animated discussion. I lost all nerve to join in and ended up walking to the NS lecture on the other side of campus alone.
There, I sat with Big Michelle. Things started to look up at this point when one James came to sit next to me/us. We greeted one another. During the break (it was a double lecture), we talked quite extensively about our holidays, architecture in London (yes, I unashamedly name-dropped Little Mishelle and her passion for that architect with the weird name), a secret New York subway station at the end of one of the routes that was built in the late 1800s and decorated in some sort of French imperial style, how White-washed England is and our newfound passion for anatomy labs. I enjoyed the conversation.
Meg and I have also resolved to attend the Global Health Short Course some time in the next couple of weeks.
Unfortunately, the clubs I wanted to join this semester may not work out... I want to tutor and the girls I tutor do A LOT of extracurricular activities. Writers' club still hasn't decided on a meeting date (and I really, really want to attend). Save the Children has its meeting on Wednesdays when I usually have no classes and is my usual tutoring day. Hopefully things work out because I want to do a lot this semester and enjoy it.
I feel more confident with Friendquest 2012. I have this urge to get out there. I think good things will happen this semester.
Lastly, honourable mention to Sarah who I ate lunch with this arvo and spilt a hedgehog slice with. I liked her pants today. And her swagger.
J
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Sex or Food?
It was a question in a Teen Wolf interview (not sure why I was watching; probably bored on one of the last days of holidays...).
Following the week's events, I'm pretty sure I've sworn myself off romantic endeavours and made peace with the idea of potentially only ever having platonic relationships. And I'm pretty sure I'm okay with this. Give me a dog, friends and mountains of food and I could probably lead a happy and fulfilling life.
Before, I was like, "Man, my life stinks." Now, I'm like, "Yeah, it was actually really good." It still is good but you know...
Speaking of food, tossing up the idea of getting a kebab from Broadway tomorrow. So much goodness.
J
Following the week's events, I'm pretty sure I've sworn myself off romantic endeavours and made peace with the idea of potentially only ever having platonic relationships. And I'm pretty sure I'm okay with this. Give me a dog, friends and mountains of food and I could probably lead a happy and fulfilling life.
Before, I was like, "Man, my life stinks." Now, I'm like, "Yeah, it was actually really good." It still is good but you know...
Speaking of food, tossing up the idea of getting a kebab from Broadway tomorrow. So much goodness.
J
What a Joke
This morning, I went to Laura's stats lec and then we retreated to the relative coziness of the Ref to indulge in melting moments and hot chocolate. It was supremely nice to see/catch-up with Laura because, to be honest, she and I haven't really had a proper conversation for about 1.5 years. I think we were probably pretty good friends at some point in middle school but I guess we found somewhat different (but still kind of the same) friendship groups in the following years. I've always considered her one of my good friends and it was nice to see we were still completely comfortable with each other and she was exactly like the Laura I knew in year eight.
Afterwards, I went to my lecture and sat with Meg and Albert (who had the worst bad breath... The one where you don't brush your teeth in the morning. I nearly passed out). Also, this random guy who's sat next to me twice but I have no idea who he is. He's shy. Maybe I'll strike up conversation with him next time (if he ever sits next to me again).
During the course of the day (some time around lunch), Meg divulged some information to me such as the line, "I just wanted to be friends with her," said by one Zeter Febbs, to which my response was, "Fml," followed by, "What the fuck. I'm pretty sure I'm out of your fucking league, mate. You would be lucky to get this much woman." And then I thought, "If fucking Zeter Febbs doesn't think I'm anything of much, what chance do I have with people I actually do want to date?"
We had anatomy lab. Apparently, hottie tutor, Tareq, was there but I didn't see him and now I'm really depressed that I didn't get to. Meg saw him. Apparently, charm/confidence runs in the family because his little brother (who is in our year) is seriously confident. I wish I was like that (charm all the bitches).
Before the lab, I was walking down the corridor with Meg when Sarah (Scooper) and her boyfriend were walking in the opposite direction. They were joking around. As they passed, I said a tentative, "Hey," to which I received no response.
For those who are unaware, I (and possibly Meg) am currently on Friendquest 2012 and am trying to consolidate/form friendships/friendly acquaintanceships with as many people as I can every time I have class. This arvo, Meg came to me after going to the bathroom and told me she'd had a wonderful chat with tall redhead Jade outside the bathroom. We high-fived and smiled at one another. I think we get each other.
So, this event with Sarah and her asshole boyfriend (not really... but seriously) has seriously damaged my confidence in my friend-making ability and the general dignity of Friendquest 2012 (thus far). I don't really know what happened... Now I just feel like shit.
But not really. Don't worry about me.
Noodles for dinner tonight. That's a good thing.
J
Afterwards, I went to my lecture and sat with Meg and Albert (who had the worst bad breath... The one where you don't brush your teeth in the morning. I nearly passed out). Also, this random guy who's sat next to me twice but I have no idea who he is. He's shy. Maybe I'll strike up conversation with him next time (if he ever sits next to me again).
During the course of the day (some time around lunch), Meg divulged some information to me such as the line, "I just wanted to be friends with her," said by one Zeter Febbs, to which my response was, "Fml," followed by, "What the fuck. I'm pretty sure I'm out of your fucking league, mate. You would be lucky to get this much woman." And then I thought, "If fucking Zeter Febbs doesn't think I'm anything of much, what chance do I have with people I actually do want to date?"
We had anatomy lab. Apparently, hottie tutor, Tareq, was there but I didn't see him and now I'm really depressed that I didn't get to. Meg saw him. Apparently, charm/confidence runs in the family because his little brother (who is in our year) is seriously confident. I wish I was like that (charm all the bitches).
Before the lab, I was walking down the corridor with Meg when Sarah (Scooper) and her boyfriend were walking in the opposite direction. They were joking around. As they passed, I said a tentative, "Hey," to which I received no response.
For those who are unaware, I (and possibly Meg) am currently on Friendquest 2012 and am trying to consolidate/form friendships/friendly acquaintanceships with as many people as I can every time I have class. This arvo, Meg came to me after going to the bathroom and told me she'd had a wonderful chat with tall redhead Jade outside the bathroom. We high-fived and smiled at one another. I think we get each other.
So, this event with Sarah and her asshole boyfriend (not really... but seriously) has seriously damaged my confidence in my friend-making ability and the general dignity of Friendquest 2012 (thus far). I don't really know what happened... Now I just feel like shit.
But not really. Don't worry about me.
Noodles for dinner tonight. That's a good thing.
J
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
A Cesspool of Emotion
I'm pretty sure I just want to retire from boys and I haven't really had any experience with them. It's all fun and exhilarating at the time... but then shit goes awry and you really wish none of it had ever happened.
While exercising this morning, I broke into nervous fits of laughter and dropped a weight on my leg/toe. Thankfully, nothing was broken (except my dignity but really, how much of that do I still have anyway?).
I will catch the 11.47am bus later today (and I WILL catch it, last time I was left waiting in the sun for 20 minutes) and meet Kim and Little Mishelle for lunch at uni. Then, I will attend my first Save the Children meeting at which I will save numerous children. And then I will go to my first University Writers Club meeting (which hopefully is actually on).
My life is a cesspool of feelings and emotions, mostly embarrassment, so I am glad to have these distractions.
J
While exercising this morning, I broke into nervous fits of laughter and dropped a weight on my leg/toe. Thankfully, nothing was broken (except my dignity but really, how much of that do I still have anyway?).
I will catch the 11.47am bus later today (and I WILL catch it, last time I was left waiting in the sun for 20 minutes) and meet Kim and Little Mishelle for lunch at uni. Then, I will attend my first Save the Children meeting at which I will save numerous children. And then I will go to my first University Writers Club meeting (which hopefully is actually on).
My life is a cesspool of feelings and emotions, mostly embarrassment, so I am glad to have these distractions.
J
Hopefully the End
The advice from most of you yesterday was to let the situation boil over. After much thought on this, I couldn't live with this transgression and the possibility Zeter would forever think I had tried to lure him in or seduce him on that fateful day.
The following message was recently sent via facebook (from me):
"friday was not a date but just a friendly catch-up. sorry if i have been misleading in any way... so this has been sufficiently awkward. gl with uni :)"
Did I handle it well? I don't really care. This fiasco ends here. It must.
J
The following message was recently sent via facebook (from me):
"friday was not a date but just a friendly catch-up. sorry if i have been misleading in any way... so this has been sufficiently awkward. gl with uni :)"
Did I handle it well? I don't really care. This fiasco ends here. It must.
J
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