I know what you're thinking; of course you're dangerous. You're so badass, hardcore. You don't give a shit. You do what you want, you rebel. These are all true things. I am extremely loose-cannonish in nature (it comes naturally, bey-bey-baby). But I fear being a danger to other people, specifically patients. I fear my own stupidity (and I am. I can't remember really essential, basic things about medicine constantly. Like, I can't remember where the heart is. I can't remember which side the liver is. If you want to know how many lobes the liver has... do not ask me. Lobes of lung? Forget it).
I fear the words I know are coming next year (and the year after and the year after that): "You're a danger to the patients and yourself." I know it is very much inevitable. In fact, I have already received those words on my written comments from my failed musculoskeletal assessment last semester. Perhaps not those words exactly. More like, "The patient was visibly afraid." Excuse me? I was pretty offended by that. He was not visibly afraid, he was just shocked by my beauty hence his trembling hands (it comes naturally, bey-bey-baby).
How do I take these things in stride? How do I work on them and improve myself? I feel like if I was more committed to this whole doctor thing, I would have worked on it already. I would have applied for scholarships in which you spend week-long placements at GP clinics or followed a surgeon around for a day or scrubbed in to observe something ending with -ectomy. But I pretty much have no interest in these things or am very afraid of these things. Which means I'm stagnant, I'm stale. I'm like that bread that was so delicious and crusty two days ago (it comes naturally, bey-bey-baby) that has turned to a husk of patheticness (very much a word).
I want to improve because I want to grab the bull's balls. I want to be good next year and not feel like a constant failure. I'm hoping that I can work on that over the next few months before next year. Work on basic skills, terminology, feeling more confident around people, very basic anatomy (I know one of the lobes of lung has three lobules? What's a lobule again?), what a forcep is. The other day at my meeting with Surgery Guy for our research project, he asked me what "this" was and held up a forcep. I balked. I did not know what the fuck it was. I knew you used it to hold up shit but the name? I did not know. It was a learning experience though. Now I will never forget what a forcep, needleholder or pair of scissors are. Success.
Being content and comfortable are important things to me. I must do my best to achieve these things over the next few years or they will be hell.
J
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