I'm Feeling Yummy, Head to Toe

As it happens, and with Sarah's help, I have recently discovered that Co-op Man was not hitting on me but was, in fact, Overly Friendly Co-op Man. Conundrum. Even those of substandard attractiveness are not attracted to me, despite being a nubile, young Asian female. What more is there to offer?

With such reasoning, I believe it to be my various negative qualities that are impeding my ability to find a suitable (or at least adequate) mating partner. They are as follows:

1. I get nose bleeds constantly. It's like my nose has its own menstrual cycle. At least once a month, my nose starts gushing blood. Then every time I wash my face or sneeze, out more gushes. No one wants a girlfriend whose nose is constantly bleeding. It's just not sexy.

2. My face could double as a helipad. It's breadth rivals conventional metric systems. This would be inconvenient for make-out sessions (yes, I'm going there) as various flying transportation vehicles would be competing for my face. Additionally, it would be difficult to accurately aim kisses at my mouth (or eyelids if we're being particularly sensual... Kisses on my sun-dappled eyelids. It's early October, the grass is glistening with the morning's dew...) given the proportions of my face.

3. I laugh at inappropriate times.

"Junaberry, my mum..."
"Har har, I know! She's a cad!"
"... is dead."
"... I'm sorry. That must be hard." (I learnt that technique from FCP)

4. I've never been clubbing, gotten drunk, worn a dress shorter than my hoo haa (that's what all the boys want or so I hear) and the only concert I've ever been to is Taylor Swift. I fear that when I get famous from writing an epic series about Love in the Time of Cholera (oops...) and go on Graham Norton or Jimmy Faloon, they will ask me what my first concert was and I will have to say Taylor Swift.

5. It's 8.11am and I'm in the science library. Writing this.

J