Some Kelly Clarkson Song

Last night was kind of intense.

I approached my dad to talk about things while he was listening to music and hibernating in his little man den. He gets really serious when I talk to him but that's why I talk to him. Because I know he listens and thinks carefully about what I say. He takes my concerns very seriously. I can't talk to my brother about things. He's a bit like Clinton in how he is about reacting to my concerns and thoughts. I remember going to him a couple of years ago when I was going through some tinnitus-related depression. He said something along the lines of, "You'll get used it. I don't know what you want me to say." He wasn't brushing me off; he just didn't know what to say and didn't want to really be there.

So, I talked to my dad. And, while he was very supportive, there was no question of what he wanted me to do. It felt like he was ignoring what I was really saying and instead focusing on how I might be scared of next year or burnt out from studying. It was like he was trying to push away the fact that I might actually want to leave. Leaving medicine wasn't even an option in his mind. He kept saying stuff like, "If you don't know where you're going or don't have an exit plan, maybe it's best to just stay put for the moment." He just kept encouraging me to stay in these little ways and it sucked. I wanted to say stuff and scream because it felt like he wasn't listening to me.

I told him I no longer have any intention of being a doctor when I graduate from uni, regardless of what degree I graduate with. So, what's the point of continuing with this course? He kept saying having a medical degree, regardless of whether you're a doctor or not, is incredibly useful and gives you a lot of options. I don't know if that's true or not but I guess it is in some ways. I remember he said those exact words to me when he was encouraging me to sit the UMAT. "Keep your options open."

Sometimes, I feel like I kept my options closed by going down this path.

And when I mentioned to him that Taran is leaving medicine at the end of this year with a dry smile, he jumped on me and said, "Just because he is leaving doesn't mean you are. Don't let what he does effect you or influence you."

Oh, the painful irony. Does he know how hard this is for me? To even consider it, to consider leaving a good career plan that promises riches, respect and constant job opportunities? This is physically painful for me to admit this. I want so badly to want to be a doctor. How much easier it would be. My dad said the same thing to me last night. He said he wished that it was simple for me so I wouldn't be going through this uncertainty and pain. I do too. But I was never made for this path. I've known it since I was little. I'm a humanities person. I write, I work at desks, I work with words and ideas, not glass slides and Bunsen burners. But I thought I could make myself change.

I told him I wanted him to trust me and trust whatever decision I made. He said that whatever decision I made, he would back me up. He said it with such conviction that I burst into (even more) tears. Even though I know it would kill him and he would think forever, for the rest of my life and his, that I had made the wrong decision, I know he would do his best to support me through it.

I looked into health science at UWA and was horrified to find it had been scrapped in lieu of a selection of Bachelor of Science majors. If health science was a four year course (incorporating science, population health and commerce) still offered at UWA, I'm 80% sure I would have jumped last night.

For now though, I guess I'm sticking with medicine. I want to research more into what my options are. How many years would it take to graduate if I moved into a Bachelor of Science? What postgraduate courses could I take?

J