Get Out, Right Now

Stress.

I know it's a normal part of life and supposedly it's even healthy. A little anxiety before an exam is supposed to make you perform better. But I think that's for people who have actually studied and are anxious because they care a lot about how they do.

I'm so stressed right now. And I wasn't a week ago. A week ago, I was cruising on a boat of fluffy marshmallows. I was reading and watching copious amounts of TV. I was chilling and planning for the future. It was bliss. Now, my mind is constantly racing and I'm getting heart palpitations.

Yeah, heart palpitations. I used to get them all the time back in first year and even a bit of second year. I'd get so worked up and anxious before some interaction or some class. I'd pee 30 times before, get a racing heart, sweatier palms (my palms are always sweaty) and get there 30 minutes early. But then I stopped getting them because I adopted a new philosophy to life.

It worked for me. This new philosophy. It was something like... take every day as it comes, every adversity is a challenge for you to overcome, every scary social situation is a chance for you to grow, mature and experience. It was freaking fantastic and I started feeling better.

Then exams came at the end of last semester and I've never experienced anything quite so stressful as that. I spent late nights studying (something I never do) then go to bed and not be able to sleep because I would be subconsciously revising what I'd covered that night. Then I'd set my alarm for 7am everyday and do it all over again. It was soul-suckingly bad. It was the kind of stress that can make someone sick.

But then it was holidays! And I forgot everything I'd been stressed about. For one beautiful month, life was perfect. But semester two brought adversity that perhaps I could not handle with my new philosophy to life.  I plunged headfirst into a feeling of insecurity and doubt. That was stressful. But maybe stressful is the wrong word. It was more emotional than stressful. Stress can make you cry but you can still detach yourself from stress.

I recovered (see last week's posts). I set new goals and started feeling good. But this stupid research project came along. We (my group) had a meeting with a prospective research supervisor. Winthrop professor, head of surgery, something or other. He was intimidating as fuck and the first thing he said to us when we came in was, "I've had five or six groups approach me and I can only take on one or two."

Well, fuck. I thought that meeting us meant he was definitely taking us on. We have a time limit and, at this rate, we'll be pushing it. He's asked us to come back in two weeks with a research proposal and then he'll decide. So, it's basically an audition with no sense of security. He's toying with us. He gets sadistic pleasure out of this.

This is the root of my stress but I'm trying to handle it as best I can. When something even begins to stress me out, everything else starts tumbling down as well. There's a whirlwind of lectures and research and essays and notes and tutorials and meetings in my head.

I may need a bike ride this afternoon.

I know I can overcome this stress (mostly because there's not really an alternative. Keep going or fail). I think we all can and I stand by my other life philosophy which is this: gain as many life experiences as you can. Because life experiences make you a stronger person. Whether good or bad, without life experiences you're just an empty shell. You're the Adam Brody to Seth Cohen. You're the empty mug to hot chocolate. You're nothing.

J