Bugs

I just trapped a massive grasshopper in this tiny box. As in, I squealed when I saw it, grabbed the nearest contraption and threw the box in the general vicinity of the grasshopper. It took me two goes to get the box on top. After the first go, I used rolled-up contact paper to drag the box back into my reach.

Anyway, I can hear it hopping around in the box. Last time I did this, I came back an hour later and the box was turned over and EMPTY. I learnt my lesson. I have placed a heavy object on top of the box. I can hear the grasshopper hopping around in there like mad and it's really freaking me out.

I've been having some serious bug-o-phobia lately. Everytime I feel a hair on me or a tickling on my skin, I freak the fuck out because I think it's an insane cockroach or rabid grasshopper on me (HOLY SHIT, grasshopper did the biggest jump ever. It's so loud. It's terrifying).

Yesterday night, I'm in my room, it's a typical Tuesday night. I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like when I hear my mother say loudly (she doesn't scream about bugs but if they're really heinous she will raise her voice in poorly disguised disgust), "It flies!"

Naturally, I shit my pants.

I hear my mother get up and my brother get out of his chair in excitement. I cower in my corner of the room and listen to them scrabble around. From the door, ready to slam it shut if that thing gets any closer to me, I watch them try to spray the flying cockroach with the bug spray. On the first spray, the thing spreads its evil wings and flies towards the door!

I think bugs can sense my fear and vindictively will try to come to me.

I run back, grab the nearest thing (a binder book in this case), prepared to defend myself from this rogue beast. My mother, fearless as she is, grabs the fly swat. Now, fly swat in one hand, bug spray in the other, she swats the cockroach with the swat and then sprays the shit out of it.

It was INCREDIBLE AND DISGUSTING ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

The other day, there was another huge cockroach in the laundry. This summer, we've been getting the most foul cockroaches. Not the normal, black ones but the flying-looking ones that are brown with obvious wings and are bigger and run A LOT FUCKING FASTER (Big Michelle and Little Mishelle can give testament to this). Except they don't fly (except for the one yesterday).

This cockroach, mother douses with more bug spray. It flips over and it's got a fucking egg sack stuck to its abdomen. I had to look it up because we were theorizing that its guts had burst out in its death or it had shat itself out of fear. But it really was an egg sack. Now, I'm scared the egg sack will burst open from inside the bin and millions of cockroach nymphets will pour out and go into my mouth while I sleep.

Furthermore, the other day I opening the fridge (naturally) and out of the corner of my eye I see this black thing scurry around. It's a huge black cockroach (the normal kind but this one was massive) on the top of the fridge door.

I have been standing on stools and tip-toeing around the kitchen for the last three days because we haven't caught it yet.

It's been pretty hard.

Summer needs to end so these foul creatures will stop invading my homestead.

J