What's Up, Hombre?

Nothing happened. I don't know why but sometimes, I sincerely think it will. It never does. I just want it to happen ONCE in my life (reality meeting my expectations).

I got into work. My first interaction was going over to ask him a question. He said something jokey to greet me but I didn't hear it (I think it might've been, "What's up, hombre?" or something to that effect). He was standing with his best friend at work, K (honestly, they are attached at the hip).I thought it was a good sign that when I was approaching, he kind of took charge  in addressing me instead of letting K do it. He just smiled this huge, gorgeous smile at me. He went to get the right ink cartridge I was after and then, as I was leaving, he asked, "So, how's POS (point of sale) going?"

It just tipped me over the edge because, in my head, that meant he cared or some shit. I know it's stupid because he doesn't feel the same way about me. I know this because I have this same relationship with a lot of guys (friendly, jokey) and saying something friendly and jokey like that doesn't mean shit. It just means you're being friendly and jokey. But when you're in my frame of mind, when you're looking forward to these interactions and your pulse is racing and you just want to lick his face, you interpret everything in this fucked up way. It's fucked up because you know deep down that it doesn't mean what you want it to mean and, in the end, you're just increasing your expectations.

Later, I went for my break and he and K were in the staff room. We talked about the election for a bit. He said to me, "Who'd you vote for? I bet it was the Australian Sex Party." I said, "Actually, I voted for the Australian Christian party." I don't even know if what I said was mildly witty or decent conversation because I couldn't deal with the fact that he'd just said "sex" in my vicinity and directed to me.

In my head, all I heard was, "SEX SEX SEX SEX." And I was saying to him, "YES, I WANT TO HAVE SEX SEX SEX SEX WITH YOU."

In my head.

We didn't really talk for the rest of the day. My heart hurts now because I just feel downtrodden. In the words of Taylor Swift, "I had so many dreams about you and me."

J