Boy Stalking

We boy-stalked R at work this afternoon (Caitlyn and I), Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging style. It was unsuccessful. The asshole was either on break (but really, who goes on break 15 minutes before they get off work?) or changed his roster. We literally wandered around for a good 10 minutes. I'm so angry at him right now.

But then we lady-talked for ages and it made up for the disappointment. I want to punch that boy in the face.

I want to punch him in the face even though he owes me nothing and we are, at best, work friends and nothing more. I want to punch him in the face because it feels like he should have known and yet he told me things that hurt me. And because it just reaffirmed that I'm undesirable (even though I clearly won the Most Desirable position in the year book poll of 2010), that I'm not worthy and that I have nothing to offer. It just sucks ass and I'm disappointed.

I'm going to keep thinking about him and this for the next month or so or at least until I see him next. Right now, all I'm doing is wondering what he's up to, what he's thinking, what's going on. That's what's going on! This is messed up.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm royally screwed up in the head. I feel that if I told people this in real life, they'd think I was a serious freak. Do I let my imagination run too wild? Am I actually an obsessive, stalkerish person? I've said this before but I think all this crap is a reflection on my self-esteem and self-perception.

J