Shit I Do

I do a lot of weird (and wonderful, let's be honest: I'm fabulous) shit everyday. I think everyone does; what's normal to me is abnormal to you. For example, on a recent trip to Ikea, Big Michelle and Little Mishelle kept ragging on having toilets in bathrooms (as one does in an ensuite). Big Michelle kept saying, "What if you stink the place up?" and Little Mishelle said something about falling into the toilet or dropping your clothes in it or something (they're a bit strange). I find toilets in bathrooms completely normal (even fabulous) as it's time efficient and space efficient.

I like the idea of having a huge walk-in closet (I actually need one as the bar in my closet has bowed down with the weight of all my high-class, high-fashion, extremely expensive clothes... I mean, have you SEEN the number of high-quality $5 t-shirts I recently bought from OK-Mart and other?). I imagine that my future huge walk-in closet will double as a bedroom for me. I like the idea of hiding snacks in my huge walk-in closet in case I get hungry while choosing my outfit for the day.

Whenever the sky is the least bit dark and there are clouds and it's kind of chilly and windy, I go sit out on the swing in my backyard (our neighbour across the road gave it to us when we were little kids!) and swing about on that like the primate I am. This usually involves me coming close to falling off several times, sometimes banging my head on the fence while I try to go higher and higher. Usually, around the 10th minute, I get scared that there might be stick insects or roachies or spideys on the swing (it's really old and rarely used) and run off into the house.

I don't know when I really got scared of bugs. Sometimes, it depends on the day and the time and the place and the people I'm with. Sometimes, I build up the fear in my mind while other times I'm just like BAM and the dirt (or bug) is gone. The other day, my brother trapped a moth in a cup and told me to put it outside. In fact, he threatened me and forced me to put it outside (I hate moths because they're like dusty spaz machines). I complied because he said he would put it on my desk or in my bed or in my hair. So I put the cup with the cardboard outside but then I froze. I was too scared to knock the cup over in case the moth flew in my face. I began pleading with my brother to do it for me. While doing so, my brother locked the door so I couldn't get back inside.

I nearly shat myself, friends. In fact, in my tears (I started tearing up) I think I peed myself just a few mLs. Then a gust of wind blew the cup over and I swear, I THINK I REALLY DID SHAT MYSELF BUT I THINK THE MEMORY IS SO PAINFUL THAT I BLOCKED IT OUT. I freaked the fuck out. My mother was telling my brother to open the door before this but when I started screaming after the cup blew over she started laughing at me. It was like the whole world was turning against me. It was horrible.

Whenever I watch Better Homes & Gardens, I always sit upside down on the couch. I don't know why.

Holidays are ending soon and I'm pretty cut about it but whatchu gonna do?

J