A Time For Sad Sackery

I kind of feel like a failure when it comes to social interactions.

I look at my life and I look at the last year I spent haunting libraries and quiet lawn areas where people wouldn't judge me for being alone. I look at waiting for lectures and pretending to be texting so people wouldn't judge me for having no friends to talk to before the lecture.

I just can't do it but I really want to because I'm sick of that feeling of being the odd one out and the loser who has zero friends.

This morning, I got to the lecture and there were so many people waiting outside for the lecture to start. I took one look and immediately went to the toilet and washed my hands (it's what I do to waste time so I can just casually stroll into the lecture theatre after everyone's already gone in so I can find a seat in an empty row). I came out and still didn't see anyone I knew so I went outside and pretended to text someone.

And I did actually text Big Michelle something panicky then I went back in and she was already there talking to Back Muscles (I don't know why I'm calling him this...). The rest of the day was spent following Big Michelle like a lost puppy. I feel pathetic when I have to rely on her like that. I feel like shit when I feel so happy that she's finally at the lecture so I finally have someone to talk to. I feel ridiculous when I stand behind her as she talks to her friends and I don't say anything.

I just feel like shit constantly about the state of my social life. I want to make friends but then I meet someone and I want to say something and I just clam up or I speak too softly or I say something stupid or I just say really mundane things and then they never want to talk to me again.

I love Big Michelle so much for always trying to encourage me and push me to make friends and reassuring me that sometimes she feels that way too. I don't know how she does it but she just does, she just makes friends and they all love her.

I'm scared about going into the workforce because I know I'll be so socially inept that I won't be able to make any friends at work and my whole life will just be filled with work and awkward pleasantries with my colleagues. They'll go off and hang out after work and I'll just go home and be alone.

Having friends is something I so desperately want but when the time comes I can't do it. But I hope to improve this year.

J