A Shocking Human Being

This R experience has taught me a lot. I used to think I had fabulous self-esteem. I used to describe myself as opinionated and egotistical, albeit in a half-joking way but still, I thought I was pretty damn great. But, as I reached the end of my teenage years and started uni, I sunk lower and lower until I couldn't imagine ever describing myself as opinionated and egotistical.

Sure, I was the same person with my close friends and those I'd known for a long time. But I was the opposite of who I felt like inside with people I didn't know well. I stopped answering questions in classes, stopped challenging myself, stopped wanting to be around people. I started seeing myself as stupid, ugly, fat, unattractive, unworthy of love (omg, cheesy), respect or admiration.

I've known this for a long time but honestly, it kind of came to a peak when I got to know R. I wanted, and still want, so badly for him to like me and want me as much as I wanted him. But, so many times, I second guessed myself and wondered whether I was good enough for him. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I nice enough? What would a great guy like him see in me? Shit, he's so good and I'm so terrible. Why would he even look twice at me?

I had very similar feelings during my Zeter Febbs interlude. Shit, what would such an intelligent, witty, tall human being want to do with a shrub like me? Whenever Little Mishelle or Big Michelle used to say, "You're too good for him," I used to think, "As if."

That will always hold me back if I think like that. How can anyone dare to be great if they only ever think of themselves as the lesser understudy?

J