Never Will I Ever

Why does my brother's special lady friend talk in a baby voice? It makes me want to punch someone/thing in the face. I don't consider myself a violent person (har, that's a lie) but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's cutesyness.

What's attractive about that? Nothing, to me. If I was a guy, I think I would be attracted to women like the two main characters of The Heat (one of the finest comedies of the last decade). Straight talking or just plain crude, dressed in power pant suits or things with questionable stains on them.

Is it that protective instinct thing that attracts men to cutesy girls? Because that is bullshit. Why would you even want to be obligated to protect someone else? Wouldn't you want an independent special lady friend who could take care of herself thus freeing up your time to engage in your favourite hobbies (I'm thinking harmonica playing. I have officially requested a harmonica for my Christmas present from my parents)?

I certainly would and I don't even have that many hobbies. I don't even know if hobbies are a real thing these days. Everyone seems to enjoy doing the same things in their spare time; watch The Walking Dead, read the Internet, eat food, crank tunes, dance parties, illicit drugs, eat food. It makes ice breakers that involve the question, "SO, WHUT URR YURR HOBBIES?" very, very awkward.

Speaking of harmonicas (I keep forgetting the name for harmonicas and referring to them as accordions. I hope I don't get an accordion for Christmas), do you think Bastille would need a harmonicist to complete their little band thing? Because I kind of already have a plan as to how I would join the band, impress DAN SMITH (yes, I finally learned his name and have been reading every one of his interviews I can get my hands on. He is shy, or so he says, studied English literature at university and I think needs my sweet, sweet loving) with my harmonica skills and then we would start living in sin.

J