Update on The Sitch

Tickets have been officially been booked for Europe. We're leaving near the end of November and coming back just before Christmas. It was a mad hectic rush. It was my dad and I who were booking for the others and we must've sat in front of the computer for five hours trying to figure shit out. It's like they don't want our money.

But I'm pleased now. With concrete dates, we can finally start organizing a real itinerary, transport, accommodation, any holiday periods at tourist attractions etc. Maybe I will take up German so I can pretend to be a German tourist in France. French people hate German people less than other tourists, right? They're basically the same so...

In other news, I was sitting in a lecture with a friend, Francesca, and another guy, a GEMP I'd met in passing the other night at the quiz night. It was pretty chill and what have you. After the lecture finished, Francesca, GEMP and I walked together for a few minutes. Outside of that hellhole (I really don't like lectures) I became more animated and comfortable, started joking around. GEMP suddenly says to me, "Wow, so you actually smile and joke and are nice!"

I think my face froze. I just felt this deep, immense fear in me.

"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I mean, the other times I've seen you in passing you never smile and just looked kind of mean," he said. Not in a cruel way. This guy is just incredibly candid. I kind of appreciated it.
"Seriously? I think my face is just naturally bitchy..."
He laughed. I laugh-cried a little. We talked about it more. I cried inside a bit more.

It just sucks because now I keep thinking about what everyone else thinks about me. I was ranting to Meg about this yesterday... Sometimes, I don't smile much with new people because I don't want to appear overenthusiastic. I want to appear calm and cool and not clingy/too keen. Now I realize that I probably just look like a sour bitch. It's the same with joking. I get so shy, horribly anxious and uncomfortable that I forget how to joke. I actually stop talking full-stop and just stand there awkwardly, waiting for the interaction to pass.

This sucks. It's good at the same time because at least one person doesn't think I'm a bitch anymore. Now, I have to just start eliminating every other person I've met in the last three years or so.

J