That Way

I had lunch with a bunch of people I've been pretty much terrified of socially for the last 2.35 years. It started of as just knowing about them. Then Big Michelle became friends with them. Then I started being around them but not introducing myself. But then I spent more time around them (notice how I used the phrase "around them") to the point that introducing myself would just be awkward/weird. And then I started avoiding them which often meant avoiding Big Michelle.

After my psychiatric assessment (not of myself, thanks), I took the bus over to meddent with Big Michelle and Trish. I went to use the computers while they went to the back to study. When it was time to go to the lecture, I went to find them and sitting with them was two of the people I am immensely fearful of. They are basically the two major players in this fear of mine. Particularly the male (who is coincidentally going out with the female). Mostly because he seems like a nice guy but if I ever say something around him, he'll sort of laugh out of politeness but I see this flicker of awkward hesitation in his eyes.

Regardless, I walked up to them (mostly because he'd already seen me and I couldn't walk away). He and his lady friend smiled at me as I approached. This was comforting. I sat down opposite them, next to Trish. We talked about the assessment for a while then walked over together to the lecture. When the lecture finished, Big Michelle said to me, "Okay, let's go get some lunch."

I love that girl a lot. I remember in first and second year when I would cling to her with this desperate sort of fear. I knew she didn't like it. I knew she wanted to go and hang out with different people but still, she would come and sit next to me. I didn't appreciate it at the time. I do now.

I went to have lunch with them. The last time I had "lunch" with them (in which I didn't say a single word), it was the most traumatic experience of my university life. This time, I felt more comfortable. I cracked a "that's what she said" joke about my brolly. They laughed. It wasn't even a condescending, slightly awkward, polite laugh. It felt like I'd cracked a barrier there.

What I want out of this year is just to become acquaintances with everyone. I don't need a best friend. I already have two. I just want acquaintances. People I can sit down next to in a lecture, join them for lunch between classes, walk with them to the next class etc. Because next year, we hit clinical years and I'm so terrified of graduating without getting to know these people.

That's my story for today. I feel this is a triumph for me. It's not spectacular for anyone else but I've honestly spent embarrassing amounts of time feeling humiliated and ashamed about my conduct around these people and what they must think of me. Maybe I wasn't as outgoing and talkative as I could have been but I think it went decently.

Additionally, I think I've become pretty good friends with Chloe. I have this fear of being unwanted and pushing myself on people. But I don't get that from Chloe. It's really nice.

J