Goneski?

I had a near heart attack yesterday when I went to check the work roster and couldn't see R's name anywhere. Anywhere. They have separate rosters for POS, technology, furniture, print & copy etc. I checked every single roster and could not see his name.

This is it, I thought to myself. I knew he wasn't happy with the number of hours they were giving him (too many). I wasn't sure if he was going to quit before he went to Japan. But I was sure he would stay on until he left for Japan to make more money for his trip. I had it all planned out in my head (quite sadly, actually. I vowed to myself I'd tell him before he left) and then, in a few short seconds, it was all coming crumbling down.

No more R? Quit? Not on the roster? Gone, gone forever? Gone, goneskis, foreverskis?

It was a kind of emotional moment for me. Standing in the staff room and freaking out (later, I freaked out more because I was told they still had leftover chocolate cake in the fridge but I'd already taken my break). At the same time, I was kind of relieved. This is a disturbing pattern in my history of crushes. There's always been some reason for me to stop liking a person (such as finding out he is gay or a straight-up bogan) and, when I find this out, I'm overwhelmed by this feeling of immense relief like I can breathe again. What's up with that?

So, there I was. Freaking out. And then I saw his name pencilled in for a few random days (not his usual schedule). What? What? What's going on? I was sincerely confused. Why was his name pencilled in like that? Had he quit and then they'd asked him to help out for a few days until they found someone else?

I told myself I would ask someone if he'd quit. I was going to ask A, my architecture friend (sorry, Little Mishelle) who seems to know a lot. But, before I could do that, I was standing with K, R's bff, in the manager's office, looking for something. There, on the manager's desk planner, was a little cartoon of a robot.

"Aw, there's R's drawing," said K.
"Cute," I said. "Does he still work here?" It came out very quickly. I had to seize the opportunity of bringing the topic up while it was still relevant.
"Yeah, he does. He just works at print & copy all the time which is why you never see him."

And then, the most sumptuous relief ever. More relieving than the weird feeling of relief I felt earlier when I thought he'd left.

How can I go on like this?

/dramatic

J