Lost in the Heat

I came home today after my three lectures. I was tired; the last lecture was a killer. I was hungry; it was 2.30pm and I hadn't eaten since 6am.

The lecture was a killer in more ways than one. Yes, it was exceptionally hard with 69 slides filled with minute details and general stupidity. But it also depressed me as I sat there. It depressed me because I felt like I was sitting in a void that I wanted desperately to scramble out of but couldn't.

I should have known this morning. My brother drove and parked at the gym. As I was walking towards med campus, I saw a huge line of students outside the gym, chattering nervously. I realized they were about to sit the UMAT (I didn't so much "realize" as see a sign with the word "UMAT" on it). I thought back to my own UMAT experience. I remember my dad dropping me off at the uni in the morning to sit the test. I remember my intense nervousness, feeling like everything (well, 33% of my future) weighed on this silly test.

I remember going for the med entry interview a few months after that. Dad dropped me off again. During the car ride, I received a text from my mum telling me I had received Dux for my high school. I thought this was a sign, that this was meant to be. I walked into the university feeling happy, light and like I could conquer anything.

I remember not getting medicine on first round offers. A feeling of intense dread filling me. Not disappointment; absolute dread. Where was my life going? I needed a future and, from that perspective, I didn't have one.

Then getting medicine on second round offers. The elation but mostly relief.

Now, almost three years after these events, I feel absolutely empty inside. I feel no passion for what I am studying. Next year, we are based mainly in hospitals doing practical work. I dread this with every fibre of my being. GP placements alone (just three hours in a dinky little GP's office) make me nervous. Leaving those placements is like walking on clouds. I'm free when I walk out those clinic doors. I can breathe.

I don't think it's right to dread the next three years of your life. Worse than that, I don't think it's right to dread the rest of your working life. Or to make plans to retire early so you can pursue your dreams of becoming the next Meg Cabot/modern day Jane Austen. Or to make plans to become a GP so you can work three days a week.

I came home this afternoon, hungry and exhausted.
"Mum," I said, as I made a sandwich. "I need to talk to you about something."
"That doesn't sound good," she said.

No, it doesn't.

I told her about how I'm not enjoying uni, not happy with what I'm doing. How unsure I am, how I've been thinking about this for the last couple of months. She comforted me as I cried and we talked about it for a couple of hours. Round and round in circles.

Do I complete the degree but not do an internship/practice? Do I leave now and do something else? Do I do something completely unrelated or try to use some of the units I've already done?

So, where am I now? Still as confused as ever but I feel better. I always feel better after talking to one of my parents about something that's bothering me. Usually it's after talking to my dad though. But I couldn't go right off the bat to my dad about this one because I know how incredibly disappointed he will be. He who lives the life he wish he had lead through me.

Mum told me to talk to a career counsellor at uni and figure out my options. I'm thinking of talking to the preclinical dean as well. She's the most motherly person I know. She did public health or health science in university with postgraduate stuff as well so I figure she'll know more about the health world.

I guess that means I still want to work in health. And I do. I want to help people in a meaningful way. I just don't know if I can see myself doing that as a doctor. Working at the WHO, working on projects in an office, that sort of thing. It seems so much more appealing than being a doctor. Travelling the world, exploring, creating. The written word. God, I miss it.

But I know it's hard to get a job with a health science degree. I know having a medical degree opens up so many doors, regardless of whether you're a doctor or not.

A part of me is also scared of becoming ordinary. Maybe it's embarrassing to admit but sometimes it is nice to tell someone you're a medical student and have them be impressed. But that's a terrible reason to continue doing a course you hate and certainly not one that will go into my decision making (consciously, at least).

Where does that leave me? I'll make an appointment with a career counsellor or any sort of counsellor at school. Maybe I'll email Helena. Maybe I'll talk to my dad about it (or maybe after I talk to a counsellor).

Right now though, I feel like a giant load has been lifted off my chest just saying the words out loud to my mother. I need a plan though. I need to know I have job security in the future, that I can use at least 50% of my past units and not have all that time, effort and money wasted (because it is a lot of money).

Still feels good though.

J