Down the Lane

Something just popped into my head not unlike a cystic pus-filled pimple popping into glorious agony.

Imagine if Gilmore Girls was actually all about Lane and not called Gilmore Girls at all. Instead, it was called Kim Kimchi or Down the Lane or Finding Kim or Chasing Kim's Lane or something else that sounds like Looking for Alibrandi. I think this show would be really cool. Sure, Lane Kim is Korean and therefore likely less successful as a main character (unless it was a Korean TV show). But her life is a mish mash of all that is holy and amazing. Let's review:

1. She was in marching band. I was only in concert band for a couple of years but I also remember it being pretty fun. I have vague/fond memories of Wynn, Rachael and I playing chasey during band breaks then getting back to practice slightly late and puffed out so that it sounded like our trumpets/clarinets were having seizures.

2. She went out with Dave Rygalski and therefore defied the wishes of her mother and (absent?) father. This was during the start of her rebellion as she was getting the band, Hep Alien, together. I believe it was her intense love/attraction to that Rygalskian beauty that started her whole rebellion.

3. She dyed her whole head of her hair motherfucking purple.

4. She endured a lot of wheat balls and tofurkey and general veganism from her mother, the Kathy Batesian, Mrs. Kim. This diet involved a lot of dine and dashes to the Gilmore household to devour a slice or two of the 'za. A girl after my own heart; practicing a balanced and healthy lifestyle.

5. She was in a band. And drummed. And wore fishnet stockings and crazy hair things and knee-high boots. Then got drunk and told the Rygalskeeze she loved him. Who wouldn't, though?

6. She had a marriage jug. Technically, three?

7. She went to Seventh Day Adventist college. I bet that place was full of scandal and general ridonkulousness. And then she dropped out because she's Lane Motherfucking Kim.

8. When Mrs. Kim found her stash of above-the-knee pleated skirts and various other COMPLETELY WHORISH OUTFITS, she calmly showed her the rest of her stash. And then she moved out and started chasing the dragon in the dorms of Yale.

9. She moved out of home and started renting her own apartment really young.

10. She got married. Really young. And there was a lot of kimchi. Then she lost her virginity to some greasy-haired thug who, whilst endearing in his goofiness and general lack of cleanliness, would probably have struggled getting into anyone's panties.

11. THEN SHE GOT KNOCKED UP. WITH TWINS. AFTER HAVING SEX ONCE (must've been cray).

Lane Kim, you have led a wondrous life. Mad props.

J