This blog post has made me feel very sad and introspective: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.au/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
I am very pleased Allie is back, if even for just one post. I feel very sad that she felt/feels very sad.
We've been learning about depression and other mental illnesses in uni lately. Depression is classified using a pretty concrete criteria. You must have either a depressed mood or anhedonia (lack of interest) and then at least three of some other symptoms (weight changes, sleeping changes, guilt, fatigue, lack of focus etc.).
Obviously, depression can easily manifest itself as losing/gaining weight, being unable to focus and other really annoying things. And if you have depression, you will usually have a depressed mood (I guess...). But it's very strange to read about depression using this criteria where these physical symptoms and random other "feelings" are used as the basis of diagnosis.
Just talking about depression is depressing, frankly. So I must stop now. This post really has no purpose.
J
About Me
- Junaberry
- I'm a student from Australia who used to have a lot of time on her hands but doesn't have that much anymore. Now she has other stuff on her hands.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Suit and Tie
Oh God. Watching The Host again. This is the perfect weather for it.
I freaking love Saiorse Ronan. I'd love to watch Hanna again but it's a movie that has somehow psychologically scarred me. I loved it, I thought it was amazing but a part of it made some deep-lasting impact on me. I don't think I can live through it again. Okay, maybe only for the bits in which Eric Bana is wearing a suit.
J
I freaking love Saiorse Ronan. I'd love to watch Hanna again but it's a movie that has somehow psychologically scarred me. I loved it, I thought it was amazing but a part of it made some deep-lasting impact on me. I don't think I can live through it again. Okay, maybe only for the bits in which Eric Bana is wearing a suit.
J
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
That Way
I had lunch with a bunch of people I've been pretty much terrified of socially for the last 2.35 years. It started of as just knowing about them. Then Big Michelle became friends with them. Then I started being around them but not introducing myself. But then I spent more time around them (notice how I used the phrase "around them") to the point that introducing myself would just be awkward/weird. And then I started avoiding them which often meant avoiding Big Michelle.
After my psychiatric assessment (not of myself, thanks), I took the bus over to meddent with Big Michelle and Trish. I went to use the computers while they went to the back to study. When it was time to go to the lecture, I went to find them and sitting with them was two of the people I am immensely fearful of. They are basically the two major players in this fear of mine. Particularly the male (who is coincidentally going out with the female). Mostly because he seems like a nice guy but if I ever say something around him, he'll sort of laugh out of politeness but I see this flicker of awkward hesitation in his eyes.
Regardless, I walked up to them (mostly because he'd already seen me and I couldn't walk away). He and his lady friend smiled at me as I approached. This was comforting. I sat down opposite them, next to Trish. We talked about the assessment for a while then walked over together to the lecture. When the lecture finished, Big Michelle said to me, "Okay, let's go get some lunch."
I love that girl a lot. I remember in first and second year when I would cling to her with this desperate sort of fear. I knew she didn't like it. I knew she wanted to go and hang out with different people but still, she would come and sit next to me. I didn't appreciate it at the time. I do now.
I went to have lunch with them. The last time I had "lunch" with them (in which I didn't say a single word), it was the most traumatic experience of my university life. This time, I felt more comfortable. I cracked a "that's what she said" joke about my brolly. They laughed. It wasn't even a condescending, slightly awkward, polite laugh. It felt like I'd cracked a barrier there.
What I want out of this year is just to become acquaintances with everyone. I don't need a best friend. I already have two. I just want acquaintances. People I can sit down next to in a lecture, join them for lunch between classes, walk with them to the next class etc. Because next year, we hit clinical years and I'm so terrified of graduating without getting to know these people.
That's my story for today. I feel this is a triumph for me. It's not spectacular for anyone else but I've honestly spent embarrassing amounts of time feeling humiliated and ashamed about my conduct around these people and what they must think of me. Maybe I wasn't as outgoing and talkative as I could have been but I think it went decently.
Additionally, I think I've become pretty good friends with Chloe. I have this fear of being unwanted and pushing myself on people. But I don't get that from Chloe. It's really nice.
J
After my psychiatric assessment (not of myself, thanks), I took the bus over to meddent with Big Michelle and Trish. I went to use the computers while they went to the back to study. When it was time to go to the lecture, I went to find them and sitting with them was two of the people I am immensely fearful of. They are basically the two major players in this fear of mine. Particularly the male (who is coincidentally going out with the female). Mostly because he seems like a nice guy but if I ever say something around him, he'll sort of laugh out of politeness but I see this flicker of awkward hesitation in his eyes.
Regardless, I walked up to them (mostly because he'd already seen me and I couldn't walk away). He and his lady friend smiled at me as I approached. This was comforting. I sat down opposite them, next to Trish. We talked about the assessment for a while then walked over together to the lecture. When the lecture finished, Big Michelle said to me, "Okay, let's go get some lunch."
I love that girl a lot. I remember in first and second year when I would cling to her with this desperate sort of fear. I knew she didn't like it. I knew she wanted to go and hang out with different people but still, she would come and sit next to me. I didn't appreciate it at the time. I do now.
I went to have lunch with them. The last time I had "lunch" with them (in which I didn't say a single word), it was the most traumatic experience of my university life. This time, I felt more comfortable. I cracked a "that's what she said" joke about my brolly. They laughed. It wasn't even a condescending, slightly awkward, polite laugh. It felt like I'd cracked a barrier there.
What I want out of this year is just to become acquaintances with everyone. I don't need a best friend. I already have two. I just want acquaintances. People I can sit down next to in a lecture, join them for lunch between classes, walk with them to the next class etc. Because next year, we hit clinical years and I'm so terrified of graduating without getting to know these people.
That's my story for today. I feel this is a triumph for me. It's not spectacular for anyone else but I've honestly spent embarrassing amounts of time feeling humiliated and ashamed about my conduct around these people and what they must think of me. Maybe I wasn't as outgoing and talkative as I could have been but I think it went decently.
Additionally, I think I've become pretty good friends with Chloe. I have this fear of being unwanted and pushing myself on people. But I don't get that from Chloe. It's really nice.
J
Monday, May 6, 2013
Schmear
Just casually, did my first pap smear today. Can't shut up about it because it was so exciting. The vagina is a magical place.
Except now I keep thinking about it and every time I do, I cross my legs involuntarily. I suffer from some extreme intrusive thoughts (such as my recurring fear of falling face first into the brain buckets of last year's anatomy labs) and, whilst I was bent over this poor woman's vagina, I remember wondering what would happen if I accidentally sneezed right at that moment. And for a more extreme intrusive thought, whilst I was inserting the speculum, I wondered what would happen if I accidentally tripped and inserted a bit too far in.
Except now I keep thinking about it and every time I do, I cross my legs involuntarily. I suffer from some extreme intrusive thoughts (such as my recurring fear of falling face first into the brain buckets of last year's anatomy labs) and, whilst I was bent over this poor woman's vagina, I remember wondering what would happen if I accidentally sneezed right at that moment. And for a more extreme intrusive thought, whilst I was inserting the speculum, I wondered what would happen if I accidentally tripped and inserted a bit too far in.
J
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Goneski?
I had a near heart attack yesterday when I went to check the work roster and couldn't see R's name anywhere. Anywhere. They have separate rosters for POS, technology, furniture, print & copy etc. I checked every single roster and could not see his name.
This is it, I thought to myself. I knew he wasn't happy with the number of hours they were giving him (too many). I wasn't sure if he was going to quit before he went to Japan. But I was sure he would stay on until he left for Japan to make more money for his trip. I had it all planned out in my head (quite sadly, actually. I vowed to myself I'd tell him before he left) and then, in a few short seconds, it was all coming crumbling down.
No more R? Quit? Not on the roster? Gone, gone forever? Gone, goneskis, foreverskis?
It was a kind of emotional moment for me. Standing in the staff room and freaking out (later, I freaked out more because I was told they still had leftover chocolate cake in the fridge but I'd already taken my break). At the same time, I was kind of relieved. This is a disturbing pattern in my history of crushes. There's always been some reason for me to stop liking a person (such as finding out he is gay or a straight-up bogan) and, when I find this out, I'm overwhelmed by this feeling of immense relief like I can breathe again. What's up with that?
So, there I was. Freaking out. And then I saw his name pencilled in for a few random days (not his usual schedule). What? What? What's going on? I was sincerely confused. Why was his name pencilled in like that? Had he quit and then they'd asked him to help out for a few days until they found someone else?
I told myself I would ask someone if he'd quit. I was going to ask A, my architecture friend (sorry, Little Mishelle) who seems to know a lot. But, before I could do that, I was standing with K, R's bff, in the manager's office, looking for something. There, on the manager's desk planner, was a little cartoon of a robot.
"Aw, there's R's drawing," said K.
"Cute," I said. "Does he still work here?" It came out very quickly. I had to seize the opportunity of bringing the topic up while it was still relevant.
"Yeah, he does. He just works at print & copy all the time which is why you never see him."
And then, the most sumptuous relief ever. More relieving than the weird feeling of relief I felt earlier when I thought he'd left.
How can I go on like this?
/dramatic
J
This is it, I thought to myself. I knew he wasn't happy with the number of hours they were giving him (too many). I wasn't sure if he was going to quit before he went to Japan. But I was sure he would stay on until he left for Japan to make more money for his trip. I had it all planned out in my head (quite sadly, actually. I vowed to myself I'd tell him before he left) and then, in a few short seconds, it was all coming crumbling down.
No more R? Quit? Not on the roster? Gone, gone forever? Gone, goneskis, foreverskis?
It was a kind of emotional moment for me. Standing in the staff room and freaking out (later, I freaked out more because I was told they still had leftover chocolate cake in the fridge but I'd already taken my break). At the same time, I was kind of relieved. This is a disturbing pattern in my history of crushes. There's always been some reason for me to stop liking a person (such as finding out he is gay or a straight-up bogan) and, when I find this out, I'm overwhelmed by this feeling of immense relief like I can breathe again. What's up with that?
So, there I was. Freaking out. And then I saw his name pencilled in for a few random days (not his usual schedule). What? What? What's going on? I was sincerely confused. Why was his name pencilled in like that? Had he quit and then they'd asked him to help out for a few days until they found someone else?
I told myself I would ask someone if he'd quit. I was going to ask A, my architecture friend (sorry, Little Mishelle) who seems to know a lot. But, before I could do that, I was standing with K, R's bff, in the manager's office, looking for something. There, on the manager's desk planner, was a little cartoon of a robot.
"Aw, there's R's drawing," said K.
"Cute," I said. "Does he still work here?" It came out very quickly. I had to seize the opportunity of bringing the topic up while it was still relevant.
"Yeah, he does. He just works at print & copy all the time which is why you never see him."
And then, the most sumptuous relief ever. More relieving than the weird feeling of relief I felt earlier when I thought he'd left.
How can I go on like this?
/dramatic
J
That's Rubbish!
I had the worst dream last night. In it, everyone was telling me why they didn't like me and what they really thought of me. It wasn't just people I knew and had spoken to but all those randoms in my med class who I've never spoken to but know of/have seen around. Coming up to me and telling me why I was rubbish.
J
J
Friday, May 3, 2013
He Could Have Been My Husband
I caught this guy looking at me on the bus today (not to toot my own horn but I was werqing my skater dress) and my mind immediately jumped to, "Oh, my God. He's going to get off at the same stop as me and rape me." Thankfully, he got off earlier (that's what she said. Except for the thankfully part. In fact, the whole thing doesn't really make sense).
He was Jewish too. I could tell because I have a keen eye for Jewish people. No, it was because he was wearing a kippah (and hells yeah, I just looked that up on wiki. I need to start my research before I meet my future husband).
J
He was Jewish too. I could tell because I have a keen eye for Jewish people. No, it was because he was wearing a kippah (and hells yeah, I just looked that up on wiki. I need to start my research before I meet my future husband).
J
Why Did I Just Do That?
Dad just came home with two boxes of Carman's nut bars. I love Carman's muesli bars! But these nut bars contain peanuts. For a while I was mad. Why would you buy bars containing peanuts when 50% of the people in the household don't eat peanuts? Then I just decided, "Fuck it, let me try some. Maybe I've gotten over my (mild) peanut allergy."
Nope, still there. Now, my mouth is itching like a thirsty bitch and I'm feeling ill.
J
Nope, still there. Now, my mouth is itching like a thirsty bitch and I'm feeling ill.
J
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Lionel Richie - "Hello"
Yo, what the fuck? I like this song but this vidjeo is kind of concerning:
J
J
Update on The Sitch
Tickets have been officially been booked for Europe. We're leaving near the end of November and coming back just before Christmas. It was a mad hectic rush. It was my dad and I who were booking for the others and we must've sat in front of the computer for five hours trying to figure shit out. It's like they don't want our money.
But I'm pleased now. With concrete dates, we can finally start organizing a real itinerary, transport, accommodation, any holiday periods at tourist attractions etc. Maybe I will take up German so I can pretend to be a German tourist in France. French people hate German people less than other tourists, right? They're basically the same so...
In other news, I was sitting in a lecture with a friend, Francesca, and another guy, a GEMP I'd met in passing the other night at the quiz night. It was pretty chill and what have you. After the lecture finished, Francesca, GEMP and I walked together for a few minutes. Outside of that hellhole (I really don't like lectures) I became more animated and comfortable, started joking around. GEMP suddenly says to me, "Wow, so you actually smile and joke and are nice!"
I think my face froze. I just felt this deep, immense fear in me.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I mean, the other times I've seen you in passing you never smile and just looked kind of mean," he said. Not in a cruel way. This guy is just incredibly candid. I kind of appreciated it.
"Seriously? I think my face is just naturally bitchy..."
He laughed. I laugh-cried a little. We talked about it more. I cried inside a bit more.
It just sucks because now I keep thinking about what everyone else thinks about me. I was ranting to Meg about this yesterday... Sometimes, I don't smile much with new people because I don't want to appear overenthusiastic. I want to appear calm and cool and not clingy/too keen. Now I realize that I probably just look like a sour bitch. It's the same with joking. I get so shy, horribly anxious and uncomfortable that I forget how to joke. I actually stop talking full-stop and just stand there awkwardly, waiting for the interaction to pass.
This sucks. It's good at the same time because at least one person doesn't think I'm a bitch anymore. Now, I have to just start eliminating every other person I've met in the last three years or so.
J
But I'm pleased now. With concrete dates, we can finally start organizing a real itinerary, transport, accommodation, any holiday periods at tourist attractions etc. Maybe I will take up German so I can pretend to be a German tourist in France. French people hate German people less than other tourists, right? They're basically the same so...
In other news, I was sitting in a lecture with a friend, Francesca, and another guy, a GEMP I'd met in passing the other night at the quiz night. It was pretty chill and what have you. After the lecture finished, Francesca, GEMP and I walked together for a few minutes. Outside of that hellhole (I really don't like lectures) I became more animated and comfortable, started joking around. GEMP suddenly says to me, "Wow, so you actually smile and joke and are nice!"
I think my face froze. I just felt this deep, immense fear in me.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I mean, the other times I've seen you in passing you never smile and just looked kind of mean," he said. Not in a cruel way. This guy is just incredibly candid. I kind of appreciated it.
"Seriously? I think my face is just naturally bitchy..."
He laughed. I laugh-cried a little. We talked about it more. I cried inside a bit more.
It just sucks because now I keep thinking about what everyone else thinks about me. I was ranting to Meg about this yesterday... Sometimes, I don't smile much with new people because I don't want to appear overenthusiastic. I want to appear calm and cool and not clingy/too keen. Now I realize that I probably just look like a sour bitch. It's the same with joking. I get so shy, horribly anxious and uncomfortable that I forget how to joke. I actually stop talking full-stop and just stand there awkwardly, waiting for the interaction to pass.
This sucks. It's good at the same time because at least one person doesn't think I'm a bitch anymore. Now, I have to just start eliminating every other person I've met in the last three years or so.
J
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)