Genuinely the Most Horrifying Thing That Has Ever Happened to Me

Keepin' it real since '93, kids. In honour of the horrendous shit that has gone down today, I felt it only respectful to share a few choice facts on this blog. This blog post addresses the "vague" comments I have made as of late and contains a mixture of both giggles, laughs and sniggers but mostly bitter tears.

Let us begin.

It all began somewhere in the spring of 2011. I sat in a fairly empty FCP lecture (they always are, let's be honest...) on my laptop. Naturally, I was on facebook. Unnaturally, I decided to strike up conversation with one Zeter Febbs of high school. See, Zeter and I had never really interacted let alone had a striking discussion in all our five years of knowing each other. I, quite honestly, was terrified of the man-child who was a complete mystery and one I had no interest in unraveling. As fate would have it, this would be a line of thought I had better not strayed from.

During that facebook conversation, we mostly discussed Aboriginal health (a topic I have now become quite interested and passionate about). The FCP lecture was about Aboriginal health hence this was not a strange line of discussion... The lecture ended, I ended the conversation and took the bus home with little concern other than the fact that I had drunk all my water and ran out of mints; what would happen if I chanced upon an exceptionally attractive boy on the way home?

Moving on.

Over the course of the next few months/weeks, Zeter and I continued to talk over the internet. At this time, I was quite mortifyingly in love with my gay friend, F. Let it be known that I had no interest in Zeter... at this time.

Inevitably (for those familiar with the contents of this blog/my life), the day would come when I would find out my dearly beloved F in fact batted for the other team, dabbled in the love that dare not speakest its name. When that day came, I mourned.

As is my nature, I turned to Zeter for crushing material. I must have a crush at all times. It is written into my genetic code. For me, there is nothing better than indulging in some innocent (or not so innocent...) fantasy while enduring the smelly Transperth bus home. This is a habit that has not done me well.

The days/weeks went on. However, I was confused. For one thing, I didn't know Zeter that well. For another thing, I wasn't sure if I was even attracted to him. All I knew was that I needed a crush and I needed it badly.

One day, I was invited to Travis' 18th birthday party. Zeter was also invited. I was terrified; I have no social graces let alone with boys let alone with boys I LIKE. At said party, I avoided Zeter at all costs. I did not say one word to him that evening and chose to interact with other, more harmless, compatriots.

For the next several months, our internet friendship continued. Many a conversation was had with my fair ladies, Little Mishelle and Big Michelle, re: Do I really like Zeter? I eventually included several other people in this discussion; Kim, Caitlyn and Big Michelle's lover, Kavin. No formal conclusion was reached.

Let's fast forward. A montage, if you will. Things happened that indicated to my simple and naive mind that it was possible that yes! Maybe Zeter liked me! Things like asking if I wanted to catch up, go to the beach with him and his friends etc. I was desperate for affection. These things appealed to me.

I went on to deluding myself into believing that yeah, Zeter probably liked me. Meanwhile, I pondered the question, "Well, do I like Zeter?" These thoughts were most prominent during the first couple of weeks of these most recent holidays.

One day, Little Mishelle and I decided to go see Spiderman (initially part of my ploy to befriend her ARCH BEST FRIEND, Gabbi). I was quite completely charmed by the sparks between Andrew Motherfucking Garfield (so scrummy) and Emma Stone (equally adorable). Furthermore, Garfield's character's name was Zeter. A sign! This was my thought.

One night, after a Hundali Indian dinner with Sarah, Caitlyn, Little Mishelle and Big Michelle, the two Mis/chelles and I parked in Little Mishelle's driveway (after texting her mother to assure her we were not being raped or getting Little Mishelle pregnant) and discussed ad nauseum "The Situation." We came to the conclusion that I should do something, it was now or never.

Two days later, I asked Zeter Fucking Febbs if he still wanted to catch up given it was my last week of holidays (he had asked me if I wanted to catch up at the beginning of the holidays). All this on the advice of Kavin (Big Michelle's bitch) who literally told me what to say as I asked Zeter if he wanted to catch up. Thanks, "Cupid" (this was what Kavin chose to refer to himself as during this interaction). Bet you feel idiot now (not really, I still appreciate it).

Zeter said yes (quite quickly too; I took it as a good sign... Again, under the instruction of Kavin who I better not listen to in the future), suggested the next day as he finished at 1pm. I had plans (Freo with Mother, for those who remember) and we decided on the next Friday to meet up in the city.

I need to be clear. My intentions were honourable. I wasn't going to seduce him. I wanted to see if I felt anything towards him. We were simply going as friends. There were no expectations. I was keepin' it real.

Events transpired.

I do not want to dwell on the encounter in question as it brings back horrific memories I would rather forget.

Let us just say, I quickly realized there was nothing there. Zeter and I were better off being friends. No, not friends. INTERNET friends because I didn't even feel comfortable interacting on a friendly level in real life. I laughed to myself as I took the bus home. I laughed all the way to Little Mishelle's house where Save the Children banner painting was occurring. I laughed as I walked in, hugged Wynn, while Kavin did a questioning "thumbs up" gesture behind Wynn's back at me.

I laughed some more as I ate most of Little Mishelle's microwaved baos. Laughed as I ate the bottom remnants of the pretzel bowl. Laughed a heinous amount as I reported the day's events to the two Mis/chelles and Kavin as we sat on adult-sized cushions on Little Mishelle's bedroom floor.

Big Michelle assured me that this discovery was a good thing. Now I wouldn't waste anymore time on it. I decided to let it go.

Until today.

Until I bumped into Travis and he, Caitlyn, Meg and I went to pretend to be international students and procure free sausage sizzle (totally worth it, by the way) at Octagon Theatre. During this time, Travis repeatedly asked me, "So, how was your date with Zeter?" Even Meg joined in for some light joshing. I was humiliated, having expressed hope to Big Michelle that Zeter hadn't told anyone about the fact we had hung out.

Later, we parted ways. Meg and I still had an hour break so we sat down outside Social Science and talked a little. Firstly, about our social insecurities. Secondly, about something else. I put a band-aid on my blistered food (I wore my new boots today) some time in between these topics. Thirdly, about Zeter Fucking Febbs.

She said something along the lines of this to me, "He told Luke and the rest of the guys he thought he was meeting up with you in a group and that he didn't realize he was on a date until he got there."

It was a visceral reaction to this news, guys. A visceral reaction that started deep in the pit of my belly and sprung out like a convulsing pile of vomit. I turned red. I looked at Meg with terror, shame then pure humiliation.

"What? What?"
"It's true," she said.

I started laughing. I couldn't help it. You know when you sometimes laugh (hysterically) when really sad or confused? Yes, this happened to me. I literally fell to the floor with laughter. I clutched onto Meg's right calf and laugh/cried into her jeans. She held me close as I dissolved into a puddle of snot, tears and hysterics.

"Why has this happened? What has happened to my life?" I asked myself repeatedly. "What have I done to deserve this?"

For the next four hours, I repeatedly started giggling hysterically to myself (in the anatomy lab, on the bus to Wellington, on the bus home), sometimes attracting strange stares.

Now, I sit at home in the comfort of my pyjamas and in close proximity to my computer. What are my thoughts? My thoughts are that I legitimately NEVER WANT TO SEE ZETER FEBBS AGAIN IN MY LIFE. I will avoid him at ALL COSTS for the next 75 or however many years I continue to live. I WILL NOT ATTEND ANY SOCIAL GATHERINGS WHERE HE MAY BE PRESENT. I WILL NEVER APPEAR ONLINE ON FACEBOOK EVER AGAIN.

Some may think this is a bit of a drastic measure. To me, this is necessary. While I have basically achieved a stage of bizarre zen-ity over the course of the last half a day, I still must insist: NO FUTURE INTERACTION WITH THE MAN-CHILD IN QUESTION IS WORTH THE INTENSE HUMILIATION AND SHAME I WILL EXPERIENCE DURING THIS TIME.

I thought I would share this (very long) story with you here today as this blog holds a close place to my heart. I don't like to keep secrets here and I've kept this one long enough. I also figure this can provide me with a laugh when I read back on it in a few years when (hopefully) this whole thing has blown over and I have gone back to a normal shade of skin-coloured skin (not a ferocious blush).

I know it is not necessary to state but seriously: NOTHING ON THIS BLOG IS TO BE SHARED WITH ANY OTHER PEOPLE FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.

Enjoy your relatively non-embarrassing lives while I go cry into my ice-cream and Gilmore Girls.

J

Hello, Goodbye

Things I have accomplished this holiday:

1. Edited some of my blog. I still have about half a year to go. It shall be done. I will put in a couple of hours today. I cannot stand incomplete or messy things, you know this.

2. Read a bunch of books. Some Jane Austen mostly. I wasn't really interested in anything else.

3. Ate. A bit too much but hell, it's the holidays! Highlights included multiple burgers, cookies (discovered passion for oatmeal raisin cookies), froyo (twice) and other stuff. Mother also made chocolate mousse tart the other day and had leftover mousse. Naturally, I ate most of it.

4. Resolved romantic issues. I am now starting this new semester with a fresh and clean slate (I feel...). No confusion anymore.

5. Came to terms with my anti-social behaviour and realized I need to change myself if I want to survive the rest of uni. Subsequently resolved to join at least two clubs and make an effort to go to at least a couple med social events.

6. Posted sufficiently confusing and vague blogs.

7. Bonded with mother over Baskin & Robbins. I had rocky road (I think it stems from the fact that I've never been able to eat actual rocky road due to nuts of pea) and mother had some jamoca confection.

It's been good but I have to say goodbye to holidays now. It is time to delve back into the real world.

J

Porn and Related Thoughts

I was enjoying this blog until I saw this: http://bubblinglikebrooks.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/oh-be-careful-little-eyes-what-you-see_25.html

And then I thought to myself, "BITCH, PLEASE."

I take issue with the whole "LUST IS A CARDINAL SIN" bullshit. I don't watch porn and I have no interest in it (or so I tell you... Nah, fo real) but where is the harm in watching/engaging in porn? Is a 14 year old, mid-puberty boy wrong in being curious in sex and jacking off to some good ol' nudity? Is a 45 year old, middle-aged man wrong in doing the same thing, whether frustrated with his own sex life, divorced, going through a mid-life crisis or just gettin' urges? I don't see anything wrong with these things.

What is wrong with watching others have sex (to which the blogger refers to explicitly in her post)? Who are you harming? Where is the harm? Where is the immorality? Are you raping, pillaging, sodomizing? No. You're watching people having sex. But you'd think from the above reaction by the blogger in question that watching sex is the same as gang-rape.

For further, slightly unrelated rambling on sex and related activities:

How can anyone say that sex before marriage (having intercourse or masturbating or watching porn) is wrong but then, the millisecond after you get married, it's suddenly alright? Apparently, sex after marriage is suddenly beautiful and a culmination of love and family values. I don't see the logic in that. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to wait until marriage to have sex. In some ways, it is a good thing. Abstinence is key... The key to not... is to not (five points for Griffindor for dat reference!). But what works for one person doesn't work for everyone. I don't think it's fair to call one person's life choices immoral when it is not harming anyone.

This preachy bullshit just gets on my nerves.

J

Wtf @life

Wtf is life.

Today has been sincerely weird. It was half good, half shit, mostly straight up weird. Part of me wishes today had never happened and part of me is glad that what has transpired has transpired and I can get on with life.

J

A Blog Post

Thoughts & feelings.

Feeling & actions.

Actions & vomit.

Vomit & fear.

J

@life

Just finished screaming into my pillow @life. Not sure what to do with myself now. TV?

I just realized; I'm scared of everything. I'm not sure what sort of person I will be in my old age/infirmity. Hopefully, someone very different to who I am now (and that is a sad thought).

This week had been weird and I have an overwhelming urge to just shut down (a la my computer) and go into hibernation mode in some cave where people can't find me.

J

North & South

I have just learnt that Taylor Swift's parents have separated. My reaction was something along the lines of, "Oh no." I actually feel incredibly sad for her.

J

Damage Control

I feel that I need to address some of the more cryptic remarks I have made over the last couple of months or so. "Personal" and "awkward" and "intimate" are some of the adjectives I have used to describe my situation. They have been vague at best and may have either been confusing or of no consequence to you as I lead a very  uninteresting life not quite worthy of a blog (or your time).

This "situation" has been following me around for a while. As many of you have guessed, it is a romantic situation. I refrained from elaborating on the subject as some of you know him and I wasn't sure it would go anywhere. Now, I am 100% sure it is not going anywhere so I feel more free with my information!

It was, quite simply, a guy from med who I barely knew but talked to occasionally on facebook and bumped into at uni a few times. I deluded myself into thinking we had some sort of "connection" and I thought something might happen this holiday because he mentioned catching up... Alas, nothing has arisen from this offhanded remark and I think it's time I stop obsessing/thinking about the issue and get back to real life! Uni is about to start and I need to get my head in the game.

There's no use crying over spilled milk. Please respect my privacy at this very distressing time (loljk, I don't really care. He was a passing fancy and actually kind of ug).

J

I'm Very Fond of Walking

I spent the afternoon watching Jane Eyre with my mother. She loves it in a creepy way. Except she said to me, "Neither of them are good looking!" and I said to her, "That's the bloody point!" Tomorrow, we go to Fremantle (I terribly wanted to write Matlock just then). Mother-daughter bonding time. Her idea. My fear.

This morning, I sat in my room reading Sense & Sensibility for a little while. Then I sat in the sun by my window and shed a couple of tears over something that is sincerely silly. I don't think I'm legitimately sad about the situation. I think they were more tears of frustration. And bitterness. And disappointment. And they were probably a sign that I'm not content with my life right now. Or myself for that matter.

Sometimes, I feel like my whole life is just sitting there and waiting and waiting and waiting for something exciting to happen. It rarely/never does. Maybe hope does breed eternal misery.

J

Thinking Can Be Time Consuming

I've been thinking a lot lately. Maybe it's because I have nothing better to do but I have been thinking indeed.

Last night, I went to bed around 12am and proceeded to think for 1.5 hours until I forced myself to go to sleep.

Then I dreamt (does this count as thinking?) that I was the first female AFL star and it was awesome. Obviously, I have been watching too much She's The Man (is it possible to ever watch too much, though?). I dreamt that I was the first female AFL player and at first, it was a little rough with the guys (not in a sexual way, although come to think of it...) who were clearly intimidated by not only my athletic abilities but also my keen feminine sensibilities and how good I always tended to smell (like freesias and raspberries). I caught these awesome marks in which I would jump up on the opposing side player's back (feeling the slick musculature under those teeny footy jersey thingoes or whatever the correct terminology is) and then catch the fuck out of the ball and proceed to tumble to the ground in this cat-like, extremely graceful, attractive, sensuous and sexuous flip (thing).

Everyone just adored me. I may or may not have also had a lover (!) on the team who I got up to mischief with.

I woke up feeling tired (I woke up at 8.30am and for those who know me, during holidays I tend to sleep for a MINIMUM of 12 hours so this seven hours was clearly insufficient) and with a cramp in my calf. For some reason, sometimes when I've just woken up in the morning (barely lucid point) and I flex my calf, my whole leg seizes up in pain. It's kind of terrific and disgusting at the same time. Like when you wake up after sleeping on your arm and your whole harm is lifeless, limp, flacid, pale and senseless. It is, of course, awesome.

J