Genuinely the Most Horrifying Thing That Has Ever Happened to Me

Keepin' it real since '93, kids. In honour of the horrendous shit that has gone down today, I felt it only respectful to share a few choice facts on this blog. This blog post addresses the "vague" comments I have made as of late and contains a mixture of both giggles, laughs and sniggers but mostly bitter tears.

Let us begin.

It all began somewhere in the spring of 2011. I sat in a fairly empty FCP lecture (they always are, let's be honest...) on my laptop. Naturally, I was on facebook. Unnaturally, I decided to strike up conversation with one Zeter Febbs of high school. See, Zeter and I had never really interacted let alone had a striking discussion in all our five years of knowing each other. I, quite honestly, was terrified of the man-child who was a complete mystery and one I had no interest in unraveling. As fate would have it, this would be a line of thought I had better not strayed from.

During that facebook conversation, we mostly discussed Aboriginal health (a topic I have now become quite interested and passionate about). The FCP lecture was about Aboriginal health hence this was not a strange line of discussion... The lecture ended, I ended the conversation and took the bus home with little concern other than the fact that I had drunk all my water and ran out of mints; what would happen if I chanced upon an exceptionally attractive boy on the way home?

Moving on.

Over the course of the next few months/weeks, Zeter and I continued to talk over the internet. At this time, I was quite mortifyingly in love with my gay friend, F. Let it be known that I had no interest in Zeter... at this time.

Inevitably (for those familiar with the contents of this blog/my life), the day would come when I would find out my dearly beloved F in fact batted for the other team, dabbled in the love that dare not speakest its name. When that day came, I mourned.

As is my nature, I turned to Zeter for crushing material. I must have a crush at all times. It is written into my genetic code. For me, there is nothing better than indulging in some innocent (or not so innocent...) fantasy while enduring the smelly Transperth bus home. This is a habit that has not done me well.

The days/weeks went on. However, I was confused. For one thing, I didn't know Zeter that well. For another thing, I wasn't sure if I was even attracted to him. All I knew was that I needed a crush and I needed it badly.

One day, I was invited to Travis' 18th birthday party. Zeter was also invited. I was terrified; I have no social graces let alone with boys let alone with boys I LIKE. At said party, I avoided Zeter at all costs. I did not say one word to him that evening and chose to interact with other, more harmless, compatriots.

For the next several months, our internet friendship continued. Many a conversation was had with my fair ladies, Little Mishelle and Big Michelle, re: Do I really like Zeter? I eventually included several other people in this discussion; Kim, Caitlyn and Big Michelle's lover, Kavin. No formal conclusion was reached.

Let's fast forward. A montage, if you will. Things happened that indicated to my simple and naive mind that it was possible that yes! Maybe Zeter liked me! Things like asking if I wanted to catch up, go to the beach with him and his friends etc. I was desperate for affection. These things appealed to me.

I went on to deluding myself into believing that yeah, Zeter probably liked me. Meanwhile, I pondered the question, "Well, do I like Zeter?" These thoughts were most prominent during the first couple of weeks of these most recent holidays.

One day, Little Mishelle and I decided to go see Spiderman (initially part of my ploy to befriend her ARCH BEST FRIEND, Gabbi). I was quite completely charmed by the sparks between Andrew Motherfucking Garfield (so scrummy) and Emma Stone (equally adorable). Furthermore, Garfield's character's name was Zeter. A sign! This was my thought.

One night, after a Hundali Indian dinner with Sarah, Caitlyn, Little Mishelle and Big Michelle, the two Mis/chelles and I parked in Little Mishelle's driveway (after texting her mother to assure her we were not being raped or getting Little Mishelle pregnant) and discussed ad nauseum "The Situation." We came to the conclusion that I should do something, it was now or never.

Two days later, I asked Zeter Fucking Febbs if he still wanted to catch up given it was my last week of holidays (he had asked me if I wanted to catch up at the beginning of the holidays). All this on the advice of Kavin (Big Michelle's bitch) who literally told me what to say as I asked Zeter if he wanted to catch up. Thanks, "Cupid" (this was what Kavin chose to refer to himself as during this interaction). Bet you feel idiot now (not really, I still appreciate it).

Zeter said yes (quite quickly too; I took it as a good sign... Again, under the instruction of Kavin who I better not listen to in the future), suggested the next day as he finished at 1pm. I had plans (Freo with Mother, for those who remember) and we decided on the next Friday to meet up in the city.

I need to be clear. My intentions were honourable. I wasn't going to seduce him. I wanted to see if I felt anything towards him. We were simply going as friends. There were no expectations. I was keepin' it real.

Events transpired.

I do not want to dwell on the encounter in question as it brings back horrific memories I would rather forget.

Let us just say, I quickly realized there was nothing there. Zeter and I were better off being friends. No, not friends. INTERNET friends because I didn't even feel comfortable interacting on a friendly level in real life. I laughed to myself as I took the bus home. I laughed all the way to Little Mishelle's house where Save the Children banner painting was occurring. I laughed as I walked in, hugged Wynn, while Kavin did a questioning "thumbs up" gesture behind Wynn's back at me.

I laughed some more as I ate most of Little Mishelle's microwaved baos. Laughed as I ate the bottom remnants of the pretzel bowl. Laughed a heinous amount as I reported the day's events to the two Mis/chelles and Kavin as we sat on adult-sized cushions on Little Mishelle's bedroom floor.

Big Michelle assured me that this discovery was a good thing. Now I wouldn't waste anymore time on it. I decided to let it go.

Until today.

Until I bumped into Travis and he, Caitlyn, Meg and I went to pretend to be international students and procure free sausage sizzle (totally worth it, by the way) at Octagon Theatre. During this time, Travis repeatedly asked me, "So, how was your date with Zeter?" Even Meg joined in for some light joshing. I was humiliated, having expressed hope to Big Michelle that Zeter hadn't told anyone about the fact we had hung out.

Later, we parted ways. Meg and I still had an hour break so we sat down outside Social Science and talked a little. Firstly, about our social insecurities. Secondly, about something else. I put a band-aid on my blistered food (I wore my new boots today) some time in between these topics. Thirdly, about Zeter Fucking Febbs.

She said something along the lines of this to me, "He told Luke and the rest of the guys he thought he was meeting up with you in a group and that he didn't realize he was on a date until he got there."

It was a visceral reaction to this news, guys. A visceral reaction that started deep in the pit of my belly and sprung out like a convulsing pile of vomit. I turned red. I looked at Meg with terror, shame then pure humiliation.

"What? What?"
"It's true," she said.

I started laughing. I couldn't help it. You know when you sometimes laugh (hysterically) when really sad or confused? Yes, this happened to me. I literally fell to the floor with laughter. I clutched onto Meg's right calf and laugh/cried into her jeans. She held me close as I dissolved into a puddle of snot, tears and hysterics.

"Why has this happened? What has happened to my life?" I asked myself repeatedly. "What have I done to deserve this?"

For the next four hours, I repeatedly started giggling hysterically to myself (in the anatomy lab, on the bus to Wellington, on the bus home), sometimes attracting strange stares.

Now, I sit at home in the comfort of my pyjamas and in close proximity to my computer. What are my thoughts? My thoughts are that I legitimately NEVER WANT TO SEE ZETER FEBBS AGAIN IN MY LIFE. I will avoid him at ALL COSTS for the next 75 or however many years I continue to live. I WILL NOT ATTEND ANY SOCIAL GATHERINGS WHERE HE MAY BE PRESENT. I WILL NEVER APPEAR ONLINE ON FACEBOOK EVER AGAIN.

Some may think this is a bit of a drastic measure. To me, this is necessary. While I have basically achieved a stage of bizarre zen-ity over the course of the last half a day, I still must insist: NO FUTURE INTERACTION WITH THE MAN-CHILD IN QUESTION IS WORTH THE INTENSE HUMILIATION AND SHAME I WILL EXPERIENCE DURING THIS TIME.

I thought I would share this (very long) story with you here today as this blog holds a close place to my heart. I don't like to keep secrets here and I've kept this one long enough. I also figure this can provide me with a laugh when I read back on it in a few years when (hopefully) this whole thing has blown over and I have gone back to a normal shade of skin-coloured skin (not a ferocious blush).

I know it is not necessary to state but seriously: NOTHING ON THIS BLOG IS TO BE SHARED WITH ANY OTHER PEOPLE FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.

Enjoy your relatively non-embarrassing lives while I go cry into my ice-cream and Gilmore Girls.

J