Here Lies a Secret

Since approximately July of this year, I have been trying to make my butt shaplier/more buxom. Not by butt augmentation (is that the correct term?) but by incorporating various (supposed) butt shaping exercises into my current workout routine. Since July of this year, NO RESULTS HAVE BEEN NOTICED.

I am understandably devastated/disappointed/heartbroken and a variety of other sad and negative emotions. I wake up in the morning and immediately feel up my own ass in an effort to see whether it has grown into something lovelier since last night. Every morning, I am sorely disappointed and go do more squatz to no avail.

I am at my wit's end. There are only so many squatz and lungez a girl can do before she decides, "Maybe Judy Blume was right. Maybe I must, I must, I must focus on increasing my bust instead by doing those awful chest exercises." Chest exercises scare me. You never know when, during one of those flailing motions, your tits are going to burst open and your mammary glands are going to pop out. Now I bet you're imaging that. It would be pretty horrible (and messy).

I think having a shaplier butt is good for a number of reasons. For one, when you sit down, it'll probably be comfier. That's just a guess. Less bone on chair. Having a comfier seat is always a plus. For another thing, your ass looks nicer in clothes. Sometimes I get sick of having my wildly attractive face being the centre of attention and want to draw some appreciative gazes to my ass instead. Lastly, I fall down a lot. On my ass most of the time (or my knees or my elbows or my hands then I die). I firmly believe having a more buxom ass would cushion the fall and maybe prevent me from fracturing my pelvis or hip bone (like an 80 year old which I so obviously am in spirit).

Unfortunately, like I've already said (you should really pay more attention), all this organic/natural/Kora ass augmentation has been a complete failure. If anything, it has just made my thighs bigger and ain't nobody got time for dat. Before this, I tried to acquire respectable abdominal muscles. This resulted in nothing except for sore stomach muscles and a desire to puke after every workout. Before that, I put a special focus on my arms. You may have noticed (if you've seen me recently) that my arms are just as flabby as ever.

A long time ago, I used to jog. Almost every morning. And then my knees started hurting and I realized if I kept jogging I really would turn into an 80 year old and I'm saving that for when I turn 27 and need a quick exit.

My friends, I believe the moral of this story can be quite succinctly summarized as follows: the ass is the window to the soul. If you have a flat ass, embrace it. It means you have a flat heart, are of sound mind and spirit and are appreciative of the stability with which you are able to sit (flat asses rarely roll). Conversely, those of the rounder ass are of large, buxom hearts, minds and spirits. They do not need to hire toboggans when they go up on those snowy peaks but can instead slide down on their generous behinds.

Tomorrow, I begin work on scultping and slimming my fingers. Wish me luck.

J