A Short History of my Mammary Development

Once upon a time, I was a very flat chested young girl. I was a typical late bloomer with a very long pre-pubertal period in which I played with dolls and pretended to be a teacher with my teddy bears. I would give them worksheets and then smack them if they got a question wrong (another reason why I shouldn't become a mother).

I used to compliment my friend, Herren, on her magnificent breasts on a daily basis. They were so plump and I was jealous. I would look down and see a concave disc. Bone on bone on bone. I was sure that no boys would like me because of my lack of chest. I was pretty devastated.

Then time went on and school got busy and I didn't pay as much attention to my lack of boobage.

And then university came and now Big Michelle won't shut up about how big my boobs are.

I don't even know at which point in time I went from having no boobs to a decent sized rack. But did you know that bigger boobs store more milk? When I become a mother, I hope my boobs get even bigger so I'll be like a freaking camel. If the zombie apocalypse comes, at least my child will have a decent supply of food for a while.

I actually think boobs are an evolutionary farce. They prevent women from running faster, they attract unwanted attention at times and they can get cancer. Sure, they make and spurt out milk but imagine if milk came out of just a little hole that wasn't attached to a mass of glandular adipose tissue. Imagine if it was just another little bellybutton type structure. Women could breastfeed in public without a care in the world. In fact, people would probably compliment you if you did.

"Gee! That's a great milk hole!" they would say and punch you in the arm good-naturedly. But your milk hole would be somewhere convenient like your arm or something so the punch wouldn't jostle your baby. You could just strap your baby to your arm and do other things. Or even better, your milk hole was on your back so you could get one of those back baby holders and go about your business while your child sucks away. So, according to evolution, if I latch my baby onto my back, my future great-great-great-great-great-great-grandaughter should develop back milk holes, right?

I have a (more realistic) dream. It goes like this. You get a suctiony-tube thing. You stick it on your boob. And then you give the tube to your baby to suck. You're still breastfeeding but your baby isn't directly latching onto your nipple.

BAM. It's like hands-free breastfeeding. It's the way of the future, guys. Women wouldn't have to worry about sore or cracked nipples anymore. They could breastfeed in public ALL THE TIME. They could do it in church. They could do it in the fanciest restaurant out. They could do it in front of their PARENTS. THEIR SIBLINGS. GOD. EVERYONE.

Think about the possibilities, guys (I am also considering a tube that hooks up to your urethra like a detachable penis. Handy for travelling in developing countries with less than stellar facilities).

J