Persimmons From Our Tree

I know. Third post of the day but this is what happens when you stay at home all day.

Tired and nostalgic as shit. It kills me that I can't go back to high school. Well, I physically can go back but I can't go back to those great days with all the cats sitting around in homeroom and pizics. I even miss learning about circular motion and torque and shit that never really interested me.

I miss the confidence I used to have surrounded by people I knew well. Even when I was younger and in a room with people I didn't know that well, I still would answer questions especially if I knew the answer. In fact, I would feel this burning urge to prove myself if I was with an unfamiliar group. Now, I look down at my shoes if I know the answer and whisper it to myself. I feel this terrible shame like if I answer everyone will silently judge me. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I want to be brave.

I want to know how to talk to people again. Sometimes, I don't know what to say. I know I have interesting thoughts and opinions but then I'm talking to someone and I don't know what to say. Yesterday, Big Michelle said she's very nosey so she'll just keep asking the person questions. Maybe I should do this? Except I don't want to appear nosey. And what questions can I possibly ask? What's your favourite TV show? What do you think of Russian literature? No. I don't know.

Let me give you a scenario. Last year, I went to a placement in the obs & gynae ward at Joondy hospital. One of the nurses there was telling me and another nurse about how when she had her baby they left her legs up in the stirrups so long that she got terrible pressure sores on her calves (this wasn't that irrelevant as the whole point of the placement was for a wounds/sores survey... I know, glamorous). I just made some sounds and shook my head like I thought it was ridiculous but didn't know how to respond.

What should I have said? I honestly don't know.

"Wow, that's terrible!" I guess is a starting point but then what? I always feel so phony whenever I respond like that too because honestly, half the time I don't really care..? I mean, I care but I'm not surprised. And yeah, it's terrible. But there's a lot of terrible shit and worse shit that happens. I don't know. I'm horrible.

And then, when I do speak, it comes out so nervously and stuttery that people stare at me strangely. I need help. Like in She's The Man with Amanda teaching Channing how to talk to girls. Someone needs to say to me, "Hi! I'm Viola. Duke? Nice to meet you." Except with other characters.

J