Get Out, Right Now

Stress.

I know it's a normal part of life and supposedly it's even healthy. A little anxiety before an exam is supposed to make you perform better. But I think that's for people who have actually studied and are anxious because they care a lot about how they do.

I'm so stressed right now. And I wasn't a week ago. A week ago, I was cruising on a boat of fluffy marshmallows. I was reading and watching copious amounts of TV. I was chilling and planning for the future. It was bliss. Now, my mind is constantly racing and I'm getting heart palpitations.

Yeah, heart palpitations. I used to get them all the time back in first year and even a bit of second year. I'd get so worked up and anxious before some interaction or some class. I'd pee 30 times before, get a racing heart, sweatier palms (my palms are always sweaty) and get there 30 minutes early. But then I stopped getting them because I adopted a new philosophy to life.

It worked for me. This new philosophy. It was something like... take every day as it comes, every adversity is a challenge for you to overcome, every scary social situation is a chance for you to grow, mature and experience. It was freaking fantastic and I started feeling better.

Then exams came at the end of last semester and I've never experienced anything quite so stressful as that. I spent late nights studying (something I never do) then go to bed and not be able to sleep because I would be subconsciously revising what I'd covered that night. Then I'd set my alarm for 7am everyday and do it all over again. It was soul-suckingly bad. It was the kind of stress that can make someone sick.

But then it was holidays! And I forgot everything I'd been stressed about. For one beautiful month, life was perfect. But semester two brought adversity that perhaps I could not handle with my new philosophy to life.  I plunged headfirst into a feeling of insecurity and doubt. That was stressful. But maybe stressful is the wrong word. It was more emotional than stressful. Stress can make you cry but you can still detach yourself from stress.

I recovered (see last week's posts). I set new goals and started feeling good. But this stupid research project came along. We (my group) had a meeting with a prospective research supervisor. Winthrop professor, head of surgery, something or other. He was intimidating as fuck and the first thing he said to us when we came in was, "I've had five or six groups approach me and I can only take on one or two."

Well, fuck. I thought that meeting us meant he was definitely taking us on. We have a time limit and, at this rate, we'll be pushing it. He's asked us to come back in two weeks with a research proposal and then he'll decide. So, it's basically an audition with no sense of security. He's toying with us. He gets sadistic pleasure out of this.

This is the root of my stress but I'm trying to handle it as best I can. When something even begins to stress me out, everything else starts tumbling down as well. There's a whirlwind of lectures and research and essays and notes and tutorials and meetings in my head.

I may need a bike ride this afternoon.

I know I can overcome this stress (mostly because there's not really an alternative. Keep going or fail). I think we all can and I stand by my other life philosophy which is this: gain as many life experiences as you can. Because life experiences make you a stronger person. Whether good or bad, without life experiences you're just an empty shell. You're the Adam Brody to Seth Cohen. You're the empty mug to hot chocolate. You're nothing.

J

Complaining About Complainers

I really struggle sympathizing with my brother. He's constantly in some sort of ongoing tumultuous argument with someone in Enactus (formerly known as SIFE) or super frustrated about something else. And he doesn't stop talking about it for hours. And hours. And swearing and standing there in a huff.

I feel pretty bad about it because sometimes I just tell him to shut up and leave me alone. Maybe it's because he does it so often that I question how true his anger/frustration is? I think it's because I tend to keep serious things inside until I have a mental/emotional breakdown. So, when I see people going off on tangents like that, I think to myself that they must be overreacting and need to settle down.

Anyway, it was a long day. I'm tired and the guy sitting next to me on the bus stank like shit and was also crushing me against the window.

J

A Family of Poo

I had my first coffee today in a really long time. Regular flat white, one sugar. It was delicious. This is concerning because coffee is meant to be bad for you and I've always preached the benefits of tea. I will not pick up this habit. It's also expensive and adds unnecessary calories. I would rather save up those calories and eat a big piece of chocolate cake once a week.

Apparently, everyone in my family is going through some kind of personal identity crisis right now. Mine, you've likely read/hear ad nauseum by now and want to kick me in the boobs every time you hear me bring it up. But apparently my brother is also incredibly disenchanted with the commerce/law/professional world and wants to start up some kind of social justice organization when he graduates. With what start up capital, I'm unsure of. My dad hates his job and is counting down the days until he retires (in about a month's time... Lord, save us). My mum is so stressed at work that she won't shut up about it, making me want to kick her in the boobs.

On the plus side, the Cadbury Oreo hybrid block just tastes better everyday. I'm savouring those blocks of sweet pleasure. Maybe I can stretch them out for a year.

J

Oh, Cycling

I don't even have sufficient words to express my joy. Cycling is the bees' knees. More than one bee. Thousands of bees (note the apostrophe). I love the wind rushing through what hair hangs out of my helmet (teal; coincidentally matching my bike), the liberating thrill of the wheels underneath me, the tepid muscle burn just above me inner knees.

It's like my childhood fantasies come alive. The Famous Five on their adventures, on their bikes and with George's dog, Timmy, running alongside them. I feel I can conquer anything when I'm cycling.

It's so much fun.

It doesn't have that cardiovascular burn that could replace running (sadly) so it will have to be a supplement to my existing exercise routine. Or it can just be a relaxing hobby that just so happens to be mildly healthy. I can't believe I went so long without cycling.

I used to cycle a bit in my childhood. Just with my family. Once, we cycled from the city to Fremantle. But then we were all so tired after getting to Fremantle that my dad took a taxi back to the city, drove the car to Fremantle and drove us home. Hardy har har.

The most recent cycling experience of mine is on Rottnest Island when I went with my cousin last summer. But it was so unbearably hot (38C from memory) that I couldn't enjoy it. But cycling in the evenings, just before the sun sets, is so unbelievably relaxing that it may just be my new favourite pastime.

J

The Travel Bug

In addition to being imbibed by a new dedication to my medical studies, I am also imbibed with a desire to travel the world. Every nook and cranny. No stone unturned. No country too boring sounding, too filthy, too dodgy. I will brave the human trafficking reputation of Eastern Europe in a question for self-fulfillment. A brief list for the next 10 years:

1. Western Europe
2. Russia
3. Sri Lanka (I don't know where that came from)
4. Western China 
5. Canada 

My weekend has been pretty special. Special in how relaxed I am. I feel really at peace right now, sorry to be so cliched. I feel calm. For the rest of the day, I'll finish going over last week's lecture slides, go for a jog and a bike ride then read e-books I illegally torrented. 

J

The Combined Contraceptive Almond

Last night, I dreamed that almonds acted as a contraceptive pill of sorts. They were absurdly effective. You just took one like you would take the Pill and all was dandy. Can you imagine how cost effective that would be? Just proves, I am thrifty even in my dreams.

I am going for my first bicycle ride today on my new (to me) bike. I'm so excited; it's that sad.

J

We Belong Together

I JUST TORRENTED MY FIRST... TORRENT.

Sorry, I still don't know what the terminology is. I was super systematic and did research first on how to do it safely. What the best, most reliable sites are. How to look out for dodgy files (bits? Torrent bits? Torrents? Torrential downpour?). I think I did good.

I bet you're wondering what my first torrent was (I'm just going to call them torrents from now on). Go on, guess.

Give up?

It was The Host by Stephenie Meyer. Because I love the movie (I wish I had two people living in my head, each desired greatly by a hot guy) and I therefore needed to read the book.

I'm not sure that it's a good idea to publicize my illegal activity on a blog that could very well be traced back to me. I plead ignorance.

Also, this is a super sick blog: http://www.streetfood.com.au I especially love the travel posts; there is nothing as exciting about travelling as the food. Grocery shopping, in particular for me, is such a treat in a foreign country. There's nothing like it. And street food. Street food is the best. Even though it may give you diarrhea, it's so damn delicious, cheap and carbacious in nature.

J

Ping

He's beautiful. We had a heated political discussion with another coworker about the PNG "solution." He is so knowledgeable and not just about Australian politics but American politics and European politics. Oh, my God. I wanted to rip his pants off right there and then.

In case Little Mishelle is wondering, he does not support the PNG thing.

This whole experience has made my desire for him flood back to me in a torrential rain. The way he spoke, the conviction but also that patient intelligence. Nothing turns me on faster than intelligence. This guy has it in such a non-assuming, humble way that I never noticed before. Very Jess Mariano in that respect.

I, conversely, became flustered and kind of upset arguing with this other guy. R must have thought I was a freak. Chance blown. I was totally anticipating us hooking up in the cash office after that.

J

New Energy

Let me preface this blog post by saying the mantou is one of my favourite foods in the entire world. People often criticize it as being tasteless or dry. I find it to be one of, if not the most delicious carbs in the world. Perhaps only superseded by a freshly baked loaf of bread, it has a slightly sweet taste and is simultaneously dense and fluffy. It is also exorbitantly cheap in China. Like 0.1c. I would go back there just for the mantou. They also have a huge variety of steamed buns that I want to bury my face in.

With the preface out of the way (I call it a preface even though it has nothing to do with the rest of this blog post), I want to tell you all that I am imbibed with a new energy. I feel like I'm back in year 12 again and faced with this great expanse ahead of me. I want to throw myself back into my medical studies with no intention of becoming a doctor. Ever.

I want to work in the WHO in Geneva in an office and help save the world, one .pdf at a time. Then, after work, I'll go bike riding through the footpaths and trails of Switzerland, savouring the sweet taste of freedom on my tongue. On long weekends and public holidays, my dog, Jeremiah, and I will go on long road trips. We will explore all that Europe has to offer and find hidden castles, not seen since the Ancient times. Villa San Lorenzo Junaberry, it will be named.

Maybe it hurts now but I'm not unsure about one thing anymore. And that's that I never want to be a doctor. Maybe I never wanted to be a doctor. That's a level of surety that I haven't felt in a while. It feels good to say it.

I'll see you on the Swiss Alps, friends.

J

Some Kelly Clarkson Song

Last night was kind of intense.

I approached my dad to talk about things while he was listening to music and hibernating in his little man den. He gets really serious when I talk to him but that's why I talk to him. Because I know he listens and thinks carefully about what I say. He takes my concerns very seriously. I can't talk to my brother about things. He's a bit like Clinton in how he is about reacting to my concerns and thoughts. I remember going to him a couple of years ago when I was going through some tinnitus-related depression. He said something along the lines of, "You'll get used it. I don't know what you want me to say." He wasn't brushing me off; he just didn't know what to say and didn't want to really be there.

So, I talked to my dad. And, while he was very supportive, there was no question of what he wanted me to do. It felt like he was ignoring what I was really saying and instead focusing on how I might be scared of next year or burnt out from studying. It was like he was trying to push away the fact that I might actually want to leave. Leaving medicine wasn't even an option in his mind. He kept saying stuff like, "If you don't know where you're going or don't have an exit plan, maybe it's best to just stay put for the moment." He just kept encouraging me to stay in these little ways and it sucked. I wanted to say stuff and scream because it felt like he wasn't listening to me.

I told him I no longer have any intention of being a doctor when I graduate from uni, regardless of what degree I graduate with. So, what's the point of continuing with this course? He kept saying having a medical degree, regardless of whether you're a doctor or not, is incredibly useful and gives you a lot of options. I don't know if that's true or not but I guess it is in some ways. I remember he said those exact words to me when he was encouraging me to sit the UMAT. "Keep your options open."

Sometimes, I feel like I kept my options closed by going down this path.

And when I mentioned to him that Taran is leaving medicine at the end of this year with a dry smile, he jumped on me and said, "Just because he is leaving doesn't mean you are. Don't let what he does effect you or influence you."

Oh, the painful irony. Does he know how hard this is for me? To even consider it, to consider leaving a good career plan that promises riches, respect and constant job opportunities? This is physically painful for me to admit this. I want so badly to want to be a doctor. How much easier it would be. My dad said the same thing to me last night. He said he wished that it was simple for me so I wouldn't be going through this uncertainty and pain. I do too. But I was never made for this path. I've known it since I was little. I'm a humanities person. I write, I work at desks, I work with words and ideas, not glass slides and Bunsen burners. But I thought I could make myself change.

I told him I wanted him to trust me and trust whatever decision I made. He said that whatever decision I made, he would back me up. He said it with such conviction that I burst into (even more) tears. Even though I know it would kill him and he would think forever, for the rest of my life and his, that I had made the wrong decision, I know he would do his best to support me through it.

I looked into health science at UWA and was horrified to find it had been scrapped in lieu of a selection of Bachelor of Science majors. If health science was a four year course (incorporating science, population health and commerce) still offered at UWA, I'm 80% sure I would have jumped last night.

For now though, I guess I'm sticking with medicine. I want to research more into what my options are. How many years would it take to graduate if I moved into a Bachelor of Science? What postgraduate courses could I take?

J