Tears are for Tossers

I feel like everything's changing. I never thought I was one of those people who got really attached to things. But I guess going to the same school every day for six years is a lot to suddenly let go of. And seeing the same people for six years everyday.

I don't really know what's wrong with me because I know I should be out there, making friends and being... excited by this challenge. Instead, I just feel sad, like I want to go back to the way things were. All the times I've ever been depressed they were for really specific reasons. But now, I just have this general feeling of sadness and loneliness. Why do I miss the way things were so much when I've always been a promoter of change and of dynamic new things?

It's like I've given up caring about some things. I don't care about being healthy anymore; eating healthy or exercising. I don't care about keeping up with my friends even though I keep talking about how much I miss them. I don't have the energy or the will.

I turn 18 in just a couple of weeks. Less than a couple of weeks. Let's say nine days to be exact. I'll be 18. Do I feel excited or happy? Not at all. Not in the least. I feel indifferent to it, even a little depressed at the thought of it. I do not want to grow up. I do not want to change. I'm not mature; I'm essentially a child in a young adult's body. I crave shelter and nurturing and safety and familiarity. I don't have these things in the uni environment. I'm a dependant person. When I go to a public restroom, I want a friend to come with me. When my mother and I are at home, I will go to her. I will follow her around as she does things around the house just to be near her.

I might seem a little secluded now and then but often times I crave companionship because without it, my loneliness is unbearable. Whenever I'm sad, loneliness is the word I refer to. It's this feeling that no one understands or feels what I feel or is there to talk to me and make me feel better.

J