A Good Way to Spend Your Afternoon

A good way to spend your afternoon is to hold back tears for the two hours you tutor two amazing, naive and somehow inspirational little girls and then break down into a sloppy mess in front of your parents.

The last few days have been both better and worse. I feel happy and normal one minute then a couple of hours later, I'm crying in the shower so no one will hear me.

I watched Smash last night and that provided some distraction. I have a similar leather jacket with fur collar like the one Katharine McPhee wore in last night's episode. This morning, I watch the midseason finale of Pretty Little Liars which was, obviously, amazing. Big ol' BetrAyal going on. The older sister of the girls I tutor watches Pretty Little Liars and when I told her the midseason finale was available online since this morning, she spazzed out and raced home to watch it.

I got a new phone on a $39 plan. Way too much credit ($650) for me to ever use but nonetheless, expect a whole lot of texts in the not-too-distant future. Shit gonna get cray.

J

Feels

I'm better. I'm not 100% but I'm better than before. I had a decent morning then did shit in my continuous assessment. Loitering around uni while I waited for my brother to get a lift home, I started feeling depressed again and cried a little.

The main thing is that I'm scared. If things stayed as they are now until the day I die, I wouldn't be so scared. But I'm scared it will get worse and then unbearable. I can't deal with that and I don't know if I'll be able to.

Yesterday, I played an unhealthy game. I thought about the things I would do or sacrifice if I was able to go back to normal and not have tinnitus anymore. Things included cutting my own finger off, being stabbed, being raped, transferring this condition onto someone else (of my choosing; I wouldn't wish this on anyone I love or even like) and other horrible things. It went to a bad place and I laid in my room for a while and felt sorry for myself.

I just want to feel safe and good again.

It's Little Mishelle's birthday tomorrow. I got something for her. I hope she likes it.

J

An Afternoon at 19

Today, I daydreamed about what it would be like if I didn't have tinnitus. Life would be so much better and easier.

I remember what silence was like and it was wonderful. I envy people who can lie in bed in the quiet mornings and read a book because I can't do this anymore. I envy people who can go to bed and appreciate the peace and quiet of the experience. Bedtime is my noisiest time.

What scares me is how my condition progresses. Since I got it, it has gradually gotten worse. Usually in jumps. One day, I'll wake up and it'll be worse. I will get used to it. Then four months later, I'll wake up again and it'll be worse. And I'll have to get used to it all over again.

This time it feels like I can't get used to it. It's gotten bad. It's no longer a continuous noise like before. The background noise is still there but now there are different tones that stop and start. I can't block out something when it changes so often.

I'm scared about what it'll be like 10 years or 20 years from now.

I'm sad that there is no treatment or cure.

I miss and crave my younger years (when I didn't have this) with this aching desperation and depression that I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of.

10 years from now I won't even remember what that precious silence felt like. When I was nine and would lie in my mum's bed on Sunday morning when it was quiet without a second though. Complete freedom and joy and childish hope and all this shit I don't have anymore.

Now I'm crying on the ground floor of science library. It seems like there are people all around but I'm stuck here in this imperfect and abnormal state. It's been years now. Years. It almost feels normal now, even though it still bothers me, to hear this constant sound. But when I compare it to what I used to have, I feel so empty and alone and hopeless.

J

This is Real Life

Since October of 2010, I've had a condition called tinnitus. You can look it up.

Anytime I have mentioned being down or depressed on my blogs, it has in all likelihood been related to this.

There are days when I feel like my head is about to explode and nothing is worth living through this. Then there are days when I'm able to ignore it and live happily and like any other person without tinnitus. It's still there but I can go to bed and go to sleep easily by letting it fade into background noise.

I have to constantly remind myself that this is possible whenever I reach a state of hysteracy and desperation. There have been days or weeks when I have wanted to end everything over this. But for the majority of the time, I live like I did when I was younger and without this.

I wanted to write about this here because... I'm going through another period of being down about it. When it changes or gets worse, I spend days obsessing over it and going to my room, where it's quiet, to listen and drive myself to insanity.

Perhaps the worst part is feeling alone in this. There is no way to quantitate how I feel or what I am experiencing.

I believe that, regardless of how it progresses or what happens, I can live a happy life. There are more important things and happier things I should focus on. My family and friends. My future.

Many people have it worse out there. People with arthritis who suffer through agonizing pain every second of the day, for one thing.

I should be thankful of what I have. I am and I appreciate people who have checked in to see how I am.

It's like climbing out of a well (think The Dark Knight Rises) when this happens. I'm nearly there. 

J

Mix It All Together and You Know You've Got...

A wise woman once told me, "Life's what you make it," (as well as other gems including, "Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days," and "Nobody's perfect, I've got to work it again and again 'til I get it right"). In honour of her, I woke up today feeling infinitely better.

J

That's What Going On (Nothing's Fine, I'm Corn)

The last few days have been draining. The sensation of depression or melancholy or whatever you want to call it is almost always more draining than the problem or issue at hand. It is the feeling of going to sleep with something lodged in your throat and a clawing or empty feeling in your heart and belly and waking up with the same feeling, no peace from the night's sleep, that accumulates and takes over your body.

You don't feel like you anymore and you don't feel normal. You can sit in a crowded room and feel unbearable loneliness or feel like at any second you will dissolve into tears. You have no consolation or comfort.

I have a doctor's appointment at 9am tomorrow morning. Hopefully there will be something resolved. Otherwise I'll just get on with it. This time next week, I'll be happy again. Maybe by the time you read this, I really will be fine. Regardless, I'm just talking here and you don't really need to pay attention to this post.

J

One Direction Lyric Changes

Thank you, Kim, for what has made my day infinitely better. I think the main message from watching this hilarious video is that Harry is by far the most amazing member of One Direction.

I legitimately pissed myself a little during this. The "Gotta Be You" substitutions had me reaching for a Poise panty liner.

J

To Be Ignored

I feel I am more frequently depressed than most people. Perhaps the intensity of the feeling is not as bad as others but it comes so often. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the next wave.

I can live so happily for several days and then feel like all good things that have happened to me have no meaning. Everything becomes dull and lonely.

I think it's just part of my chemistry or construction or something. Some are more doomed than others. I envy people who are perpetually happy but, then again, it's likely they're not as happy as they seem.

J

Up All Night

Not gonna lie. I'm watching One Direction, Up All Night (live tour) DVD right now. The girl I tutor lent it to me. Every time she comes on Wednesday afternoons, we spend at least five minutes discussing One Direction (lucky betch is going to the concert next year), Taylor Swift and the dards at her school. Brings me back to the good ol' days when I didn't have to hide (although I don't really do this now) my indiscretions (eg: 1D).

J

More Facial Hair Thoughts

It cracks me up that guys my age are able to (and do) grow facial hair.

WHEN DID WE BECOME ADULTS?

J