Thinking Again; Then Lecture

Thinking first, lecture second. Because I don't think during lectures. I just transcribe what the lecturer is saying onto my Word doc.

I have been listening to Little Dragon again. Little Mishelle gave me some songs a few months ago. My appreciation of them has slowly built up over the last month or so. My favourite is "Scribbled Paper." It's sultry.

I have been thinking about adventures. Again. My favourite picture book when I was a kid (or series of books, I should say) was the Brambley Hedge books by Jill Barklem. I think they instilled my ardour for adventure in me.

I have been reading The Tenant of Wildfell Hall. I have been thinking about what sort of maudlin life the Bronte sisters lived. All of their books are dreary and depressing yet fabulous. They probably had stinky hair.

I have been stealing bites out of my brother's Connoiseur cookies and cream ice-cream (take that, Little Mishelle). He knows. He leaves for Washington Saturday after next (or is it next Saturday?). I told him to buy me some Hostess snack cakes. He told me he couldn't be bothered because then he'd have to go through customs. I was upset and wouldn't lend him $20 for petrol. I think that showed him.

I have been writing notes for NS200 and wondering if it's even worth it.

Yesterday, I said hi to someone and they looked at me like I was a freak. My social anxiety has come back to plague me. Now I never want to say hi to anyone ever again.

J

Captain America

He is exceedingly attractive.

J

Thoughts on Boys and Nights

I recently realized the main reason I tend to refrain from becoming friends with boys or being friendly with boys is because I'm scared they'll think I like them. Case in point: Indian guy in my FCP tute who I met on the first day of uni (ever) but have never really become friends with. We're friendly and all but I refrain from being friends with him. Why? In case he thinks, "Good God, what can I do to shake this girl? She's half in love with me."

This is even more applicable with boys I actually am attracted to. I will go OUT of my way to avoid them and not make eye-contact and only give half-smiles when they say something funny.

So, I pulled my first all-nighter last night. And by all-nighter, I mean I finished my assignment at midnight then went to bed. That's still pretty extreme for me. I've never stayed up past 10pm to do work. I feel sort of accomplished now, like I'm a real uni student. It is punctuated by the shame of the fact this assignment is due on Monday... but I wanted to get it done with.

I have to go study now. Judge away.

J

Why No Man Will Ever Want Me

1. I lack charisma. I'm just straight up unfriendly most of the time. It's not that I want to be; I'm trying to be friendly. I just lack the social skills to come across that way. I hope I appear as shy rather than disinterested or rude.

2. There are a lot of attractive girls out there. And I like attractive guys. Unfortunately, attractive guys go for attractive girls.

3. I'm in on a Friday night doing my assignment.

J

I Actually Like (Some) Children

Is it wrong that I get a sadistic kick out of children's misfortunes? I don't mean falling over and breaking their leg or anything like that... I mean when their ice-cream falls off their cone (or when it "feels like the ice-cream has fallen off their cone... in their hip") or they want a toy and someone else gets it first or they don't get their way and throw a tantrum and noone cares.

So, that's not just me, right?

J

Clueless

I feel like a new woman.

Last night, I watched Clueless. The last time I watched it, I was probably 14/15. In my new and more mature state, I began recognizing all these new jokes and innuendos that I hadn't previously. I discovered the movie was actually quite racy (obviously, something I can appreciate) and began understanding things I didn't before.

All this time, I was so confused as to who exactly Josh was. Now I know.

All this time, I could not truly empathize with Cher when she said her party clothes were "binding." Now I know because ALL my clothes are binding because I got fat between 14/15 and 19.

I must go now. To youtube Clueless.

Something I have over Cher is that, although I am a virgin, I can drive. I feel fulfilled.

J

Taylor Swift - "Ronan"

You lot need to see this. I lost it.

J

I Guess It's Time

Time to update the ol' blog again. Things I've been doing:

1. Working on two assignments. One, a boring shit-fest (designing a health prevention campaign) and the other, a marginally less boring one on random shit (trigeminal neuralgia and herpes zoster, two of the most hilarious illness/disease names known to man).

2. Discussing ad nauseum Pretty Little Liars and One Direction with the girl I tutor. She is in year nine. I've known her since she was five or six. Sometimes, chatting to her after I tutor on Wednesday evenings helps me to find inner peace.

3. Eating a shitload of food. It's funny; when I was younger I used to be such a savoury gal. Now, I'm all for the sugar. It's kind of disgusting how much sugar I eat. There's something so indulgent about sugar. Savouries you eat all the time but sugar is a treat (unless you eat it everyday... in which case it becomes a wonderful part of everyday life).

4. Reading a crap tonne of carrotsncake.com. I have an unhealthy obsession with this blog. Like I've said before, it stems from my stalker tendencies.

5. Mooning over Taylor Swift. If you haven't already, go check out her song "Ronan" that she co-wrote and sang for Step Up 2 Cancer. It broke my heart to listen to it. Life sucks so hard. I just finished watching a segment on 60 Minutes about this guy who has a pituitary gland tumour. He's 8ft tall and growing. When he was six, he was 6ft tall. He suffers from terrible pain and all other kinds of ailments that come with the condition. He seems like a good, decent guy. I just think it's bullshit that this happens to good people.

6. Becoming obsessed with twitter and instagram. Um, whoops? I swore I would never but alas, instragram is just very calming. It's calming to take the shittest picture then, with one press of a button, make it something the hipsters would approve of wholeheartedly (so long as they didn't know it was from instagram).

Hope you're all well.

J

Taylor Swift - "Teardrops on My Guitar"

This is great. I would not be upset if Taylor returned to this version of herself. In fact, I think I would prefer it (I really miss her curly hair and I think her new bangs make her look 50).

J

Breathing Again

I feel almost completely normal now.

I am back to being able to enjoy things (see: multiple pieces of chocolate cake eaten). I am playing with my new phone (I should have been excited when I got it but nothing seemed important or exciting or reason for enjoyment back then; everything just seemed insignificant. Now, I am back to enjoying the insignificant and materialistic things in life). I am eating for happiness rather than eating so I can be done with the meal and retreat back to loneliness (I ate a curry puff this morning). I am back to consuming media, social networking and TV shows like the beast I am (see: multiple episodes of Smash I have downloaded since yesterday).

I'm booking an appointment with my local doctor to get a referral to a specialist. Part of me knows nothing will come out of it (he/she will say to me, "There is nothing that can be done") and that part is saying I should just not do it. Chances are I will get my hopes up and then will feel like my world is imploding in on me when the inevitable truth ("this is a lifetime condition") comes out. Part of me is just telling myself to go for it and I have nothing to lose.

It was my dad's idea as he said it was rare for a person of my age who hasn't been exposed to loud, continuous noise (seriously, guys, please look after your ears. This is part of why I am resistant to going to clubs and parties. I even wore earplugs when I went to see Taylor Swift. It might be all fun and dandy now but when you're 60 and get this, you'll wish you hadn't gone to all those places) so it might be an idea to just see if the specialist has anything to say.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I just need to breathe again.

Oh yeah, Taylor Swift's new video for "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" came out yesterday. Go check it out. It's pretty shit.

J