I'm So Fucked

I don't want to do this anymore. I am literally in physical pain doing this shit. I can't remember anything. I feel like I'm going to fail all my exams.

I'm also increasingly unhappy with uni in general. It's not about social inadequacies or anything anymore. I don't know if I'm happy in this degree. I don't know if I want this to be my future. I don't know if I want to be a doctor. I don't know if I want to be anything at all. I was this way at the end of year 12; unsure of everything and of what I wanted. I'm just as uncertain now.

Nothing appeals to me. Is it the exams talking or am I really not meant to be doing this degree?

I've started writing this post so many times and then deleted it. Because it makes me feel ungrateful to write these things when I know so many people who have worked so hard to be in this degree and who have been unsuccessful. And also because my dad wanted to be a doctor when he was younger but never had the opportunity and is therefore living vicariously through me.

Quitting is not an option. Isn't that dramatic sounding? I couldn't quit even if I tried. What would I do? I've already put so much work into this degree already. I don't think I could bear it if I left all that behind.

I'm going to bed soon. Maybe it'll all be alright in the morning. Mum bought me Chobani (without me even asking) so that's a good sign. I've been hitting the books hard all week (think 8.30am-11pm study days) and it's taking its toll on me mentally and emotionally. Coupled with the feeling that I'm getting nowhere and remembering nothing... I hope it's just the stress talking and not my true feelings.

I like the idea of being a GP someday. Being able to travel and help people. It's getting there that makes me nervous. The years of relentless study. The amount of crap I have to memorize for just one semester is ridiculous. There's so much that it's laughable. Then there's the actually being in hospitals and completing my clinical years, internships, registrarships (that ain't no word). Dealing with smug, scary doctors. Being put on the spot. Being responsible for someone's life. The constant reminder that if I fuck up, if I forget some insignificant detail I learnt in third year, I could kill someone. Being yelled at, abused, belittled. Working 24 hour shifts (do those really exist?), working on no sleep at all.

I can't even handle menial jobs that have no true meaning. My first night at Officeworks, I came home, laid down in bed and burst into tears. Can you imagine my first clinical rotation in fourth year? I'm going to be a fucking mess. My first day as an intern... I foresee myself turning to alcohol at some point in time.

It's all just a fucking mess. I'm so lost and done for and fucked up.

J