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I'm a student from Australia who used to have a lot of time on her hands but doesn't have that much anymore. Now she has other stuff on her hands.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Cold Beach

This story below... inspired by "true" events but mostly inspired by the incoherent mess in my head. Inspired also by Oscar Wilde, (500) Days of Bummer (starring Zoe Deschanel), The Great Gatsby and (of course), Zeter Febbs. I'm printing it off to bring to the Writers' meeting tomorrow but am contemplating not showing it to anyone...

Written a long time ago. I hope to forget it one day. Enjoy:


The Cold Beach

Somewhere, faintly and far away, she heard a whirring that required a conscious effort to ignore. The paper underneath her thin and agile fingers was crumpled to a scraggly heap prompting a boy sitting next to her to glance over with exaggerated concern. She grimaced at her handwriting (chicken scratching) and reminded herself to redo this page of notes.

A girl (nay, a woman; mature age student) sitting across the table let her pen glide effortlessly, seamlessly, callously across her page producing almost illegible scrawl. She wouldn’t glance twice at it.

The sound of the whirring (a windmill inside the library?) continued on and on, droned on and on, on and on, on and on. A lifetime of this and perhaps Eve would have impaled herself on that there pencil, sitting harmlessly and woody on the desk. It would never know its own fate.

There was then a peaked smell like musty, old bread, once soft yet firm. Someone’s forgotten lunch, growing idle in a bag and compressed to a sphere of carbo-goodness. Something porky in there too; ham, salami, prosciutto, pig trotters? Eve’s own stomach cringed away as trickles of digestive juices and acids heave-hoed inside to a relentless rhythm.

She got up, her calves bristling together. The boy and the girl (nay, woman) at the table glanced her way, eyes identical in the colour of grey-blue. Babies are all born with grey-blue eyes. Half dead already or with cataracts from their past life as the forlorn elderly.

The library held a spiralling staircase down the centre; fibreglass and metal banisters bearing fingerprints from greasy-handed students having clutched (what’s that?) compressed rolls of salami and ham. Now they nearly had that smell too; alloy of steel and pork.

It was cold and windy outside, skies grey as far as the eye could see. Eve liked these days where it looked like the world was a greying corpse. She always thought that, should she ever go to a beach, she would want to go on a cold day, not the stinking hot, sweaty, sticky days of summer. A cold beach, a grey beach, a beach with shiny pebbles (rain slicked and slimy) that you slipped on as you traipsed across.

From outside the library she looked inside the library cafe where steaming takeaway containers of fettucine alfredo were being served. X-ray vision: you could see a vat of the stuff being made from a white, off-smelling powder. Mum made that stuff. Eve wanted what cancer she probably had from it; stomach or pancreatic?

A girl walking past her (freshman, all girl, no woman) looked at her with concern. Lots of people did that; she was a concerning person. The girl saw Eve looking inside the cafe like she was an orphan and hadn’t eaten in days. But this was just Eve’s expression; she liked a cold beach.
“You okay?” asked the girl. Eve nodded without looking at her.
“I’m fine.”

Eve’s legs skipped a beat (actually: tripped over an uneven surface) as, after another moment of quiet contemplation, she carried on her way. Her destination was a tutorial on the other side of campus. Her attitude: dire, tire, mire. Down at her feetsies, her tootsies, her once white shoelaces were stained a dirty grey. From what? The world. The world was a dirty sort of place.

She carried on her way.

Inside a building that she passed, a middle-aged professor with a nice, rotund belly and a penchant for chocolate and cellotape sipped at a cup of coffee as he walked across the tiled lobby. Big lobby, another big, spiralling staircase rising up, erect and probing (ha), but this time shaped in a double helix. You had to remind people of the grandeur of this place. You could be misled by the dozens of tired, identical students in conspicuously stained (silver nitrate, I promise) lab coats trailing down. Those too tired to lift their feet would take the elevator down from the top floors.

The professor let his clumsy big oaf feet skid along a path he’d taken for the last five years.
“Hi, Jess,” he said to the receptionist. Curly haired Sue with bosoms that always rested on the spreadsheet or diary entry she was working on. He looked at them sadly because his wife’s had deflated long ago.

Eve, perky and pert but hidden under a thick sweater, continued her way across campus. To her right there was a shriek and she looked in time to see a bird swoop down and fearlessly pluck a bit of food from the clutches of a male student. Sad too: a kebab.

“Hello.”

The word. You know, not many people say hello these days. People say hey, hi, how do you do. Hello was rare. Eve associated it with Enid Blyton, kids in the UK with big, fiery imaginations, baskets full of tinned peaches and custard tarts and a dog named Timmy trailing behind. Hello, hello, hullo, hullo they always said as they came across either a kindly old farmer or a treacherous people smuggler. Island nation; far away from here.

“Hello,” she said because he’d said it. He was a boy (a boy-man, 19 but thin) with a curly whip, a marshmallow frosting, of light brown hair and skin pockmarked by adolescent years of pussy filled pustules. That skin used to be smooth and pearly white. Now the pocks caught shadows in it. Good for rock climbing.

“Hello, Marcus,” she said. Marcus wearing dark-wash denim and a chambray shirt. Headed for the rodeo, Marcus, ol’ boy? Headed for some bull fighting, some cornbread, some deep fried butter?
“Hi, Eve,” he said. His voice was deep but had a weasely quality like he was constantly congested. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” she said. “I’m dandy.”

Dandy. They learnt about those in high school English literature class. A dandy like Oscar Wilde. He probably drank tea a lot. Eve hated tea. Bitter leaves steeped in perfectly good water until the water turned as bitter and dankly coloured as the leaves.

Dandy. They learnt about those in high school English literature class. Class with Marcus. Couldn’t remember his last name; something like Pebb? Pebb. Stupid last name. Not even a name, more like a sound.

High school English literature class. That was how she knew Marcus Pebb.

“How are you, Marcus?” Pebb.
“I’m good,” he said. “How’s uni?”
“Oh, you know,” she said. A muscle twinge sounded deep in her right arm, the one bearing the weight of her bag filled with stupid photocopies of notes. She was going to drop the unit as soon as she could (be bothered). “Just uni. How about you?”
“Yeah, it’s good,” he said. He had bright blue eyes that danced around in too-deep sockets (again: good for rock climbing. For little people, for Gulliver’s friends). “What are you doing now? Want to get a coffee?”

Coffee was better than tea. At least you could hide its bitter acridity with cream and sugar, caramel syrup and chocolate shavings.
“Yes,” Eve said. “Yes, that’s a good idea. The library cafe?”
“Absolutely,” he said.

And they had coffee.

As they left the cafe, “Maybe we should catch up again. You know, for longer. We haven’t seen each other in so long,” he said. Marcus Pebb was a strange guy. He had this thin, gangly appearance that gave you the impression of social anxiety but, when he wanted to, he had no qualms about starting conversation. He could smile and laugh like the best of them. It was frankly disgusting.
“I would like that. I’ll call you,” she said.

They parted ways.

*

Every time Eve came out of the shower she felt like she had gristle and debris in between her toes. That was the downfall of the dormitory shower. Sometimes, she checked the underside of her feet (pink and tender) and would find someone else’s hair (blonde or brown) or something soft and squidgy that she couldn’t quite identify. Yuk. Still, she smelled good. Overpriced fruity body scrub. It made her love and hate herself at the same time.

In her room, her roommate, Claire, sat cross legged on the bed, chuckling at something on her laptop.
“What are you laughing about?” Eve asked and set her shower bag on the desk. Thankfully, today she felt no unidentifiable gristle in between her toes or under her feet.
“Something stupid,” she said with another laugh.
“I skipped my tute today,” said Eve. She sat down on her own bed.
“Why’s that?”
“I bumped into Marcus Pebb. We had coffee.”

A beat. A bat. A batting eyelash. A lash. A splash. A scratch across metal. The sound of a big, looming train coming at you. Claire stared at Eve with big, doe eyes.

“Marcuss Pebb? From high school?”
“Yes,” said Eve. She checked her feet anyway, sure she would have a foul-smelling fungus with mutant exponential growth by the end of semester. No, just the baby soft pinkness of her soles..
“Really?”
“Yes, Marcus Pebb.”
“He’s a bit...”

He’s a bit... He’s a bit...

In senior year, math class, an argument. An answer to a test that he got wrong. A logic question. Another girl who got it right. A disagreement based on a desire to win rather than a desire to be right. That was the time, the singular moment with that glint of argumentative ferocity, that bored, glazed look that came over him as the girl rebuffed. That was the time that Eve thought she might appreciate him.

“He’s a bit eccentric,” Eve said.
“Yes,” said Claire.
“I’m eccentric too.”
“Oh, Eve,” said Claire.
“He’s nice.”
“He’s... interesting. Says interesting things. Has an interesting look.”
“You don’t like his look.”
“It’s not that I don’t like his look.” She swept her hair up (swoop like the eagle down on its pray) into a well-practiced ponytail. Perky and pert (the trick was to tighten vertically, not horizontally, much like Claire herself).
“But you don’t.”
“Okay,” said Claire. She moved onto massaging lotion into her neck and forearms. Soft white stuff (ha). “So I don’t like his look. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”
“But that’s why you think I shouldn’t like him.”

Eve lay back on her bed, her soft bathrobe pressing deep into the bed, becoming a thin, condensed lining. Marcus Pebb, the Pebbster, lived somewhere relatively far off. She wondered what he was up to; shenanigans most likely. He was the sort to partake in some frank shenanigans and not post them on Headbook.

“I’m not saying that!” said Claire. Now, she was bent over her computer, hacking away at defenceless keys. The thin bangles on her thin wrists jangled restlessly, wanting to escape their bony ensnarement.
“Well, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I think just maybe... you could do better.” The Lucite pink case of her laptop blinked and whizzed at Eve.

“I don’t think that. That’s an interesting way to think.”
“Just hear what I say. And consider it. You’re great, you’re smart, you have assets to offer.” She turned to Eve and focussed her eyes on her.
“So’s he.”
“Yeah...” Claire turned back to her lover (oh solitaire!). “You could say that.”
“Claire...”
“Just don’t settle.”

So she didn’t.

*

The following semester, Marcus Pebb deferred to find himself and work as a lab tech someplace irrelevant. When the semester had elapsed, he decided to attend a different uni on the other side of the country. Chemical engineering. Eve had some trouble swallowing this bitter pill (nitric acid, sherbert?) as chemistry was, to her, an unnecessary evil. She had trouble swallowing the idea that it would be a long time and a special occasion when she should see Marcus Pebb again.

“Eve,” said Claire one morning. It was midway through their junior year. Claire had got fat. “What are you sulking about? All you do is sulk. You’ll get wrinkles.”
“I’m not sulking,” said Eve, sulkily. “I’m just thinking. Do you remember Marcus Pebb?”
(“Fucking hell...”)
“I’m just wondering what he’s up to.”
“He’s going to uni someplace irrelevant, isn’t he?”
“That’s what I heard.”
“So now it’s confirmed. You can stop thinking about it.”

Following this succinct conversation, they went out. That was the night Eve met a less-than-special boy as she began her journey of recovery, her convalescence to brighter and cleaner pastures.
“How do you feel?” asked Claire the next morning.
“I feel fine,” said Eve.

*

Eve at 24 had cut her brown hair to a brisk little thing that flicked around her chin (and sometimes her shoulders if she was too lazy to see the hairdresser) and bought a couple of eyeliners that made her brown eyes smoulder (like a steaming pile of you-know-what). She had a job (let’s not say what) and had an apartment and a dog.

It was an evening a few months after she’d started her new job that she stopped by at her neighbourhood pharmacy for some various goods. A cunning advertisement boasting fuller, longer lashes caught her eye (unhindered by full, long lashes as her own were). She inspected the mascara. As she did so, a pair of well-sized (perhaps above average) black boots appeared by her side.

“Eve?” the voice said. A voice of the pleasant variety with woody, cedar-like undertones. Her eyes traipsed up the body (thin and gangly) and lingered on lanky forearms covered in full, blue veins that looked like they might pop if any muscle in that vicinity was exacerbated. The face was a familiar one but now there was facial hair and a darkness that coloured the almost translucent skin under the eye.
“Marcus Pebb?”

She wondered what she smelled like. Eight and a half hours at the office and questionable food consumption over the course of those hours. Shoes that were half a size too small, seemingly exacerbating foot sweat. A blouse that clung too tightly around her bust producing a peek-a-boo hole between the second and third button (could you smell like a too-tight blouse?).

“Wow,” she said. “Wow.”
“I know,” he said. “It’s been so long. How are you?”
“I’m good, I’m fine. How are you? You look good,” she said, her voice wondering over well-practiced pleasantries.
“I’m doing well. I just moved back here.”

Eve felt this pathetic, nostalgic pang in her heart. It almost had a noise; a soft, dainty ping that resonated through her thorax. This from the boy she used to try to impress with her knowledge on eccentricities in high school. This from the boy who had to take acne medication for two years because of a rampant and unexpected bout of cystic pustules (she had her own past with teenage skin and empathised with him).

“You know what?” she heard him saying distantly. Like they were on a cold, quiet beach, several hundred feet apart and his voice was being carried on the wind to her. She tried to catch it but sometimes syllables and phrases were blown out.
 “I’m having a party at my house next week. I think you should come?” The question mark is necessary. He sounded unsure. She was unsure too, unsure of who this was. Who spoke with a self-assured accent of formalities and banalities. She wondered if he danced with his two left feet (or had he replaced one with a right?) when he got home from work. Whatever that was.

“I’d love to,” she said. Her speech hovered on the surface between acquaintance and friend. Right now, if she went in to punch him in the arm or, with a gay smile, refer to something from their mutual high school years, the tide might turn awkward.
“Great,” he said and gave her the address. It was on a fashionable part of the coast.

“Bye, Marcus,” she said. Awkwardly, her pale arm (this is what happens when you work an office job and like watching Ellen) reached out to pat his shoulder. They were standing too far apart for this to be casual and were speaking too formally for this to be comfortable.

She said goodbye to him for the first time being certain she would see him again. She said goodbye knowing that this time something would come of it. He wandered out into the drear, droll night, lanky legs swathed into too much black trouser, with her wandering eyes trailing after his loping steps.

*

He lived in a pineapple shaped house by the sea. Maybe it was an architectural masterpiece. Maybe it had started as a normal shaped house but was then eaten away by blustery seaside winds. Her sharp heels dug in between crescent and spherical pebbles that lined his walkway. The house was covered in tall, floor length windows through which artificial light streamed through. Even from here, Eve could hear the pleasant small talk of the inhabitants of the pineapple.

It wasn’t Marcus that greeted her at the door although the man looked startlingly like him.
“Hi,” she said and handed him her bottle of wine.
“Hello,” he said and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. She, in some reflexive, primal place, wanted to turn her cheek but she suffered through the insufferable act. He leaned in perhaps a little too close, closer than the customary hovering of lips over cheek. She felt the flakes of dried skin on his lips scrape against her.

“I’m Eve,” she said as she was led inside. The house was robust. The floor length windows lined most of the walls. There was a lot of wood and white. There were empty champagne glasses on top of mantles and coffee table and any available ledges.
“I’m Frank. Marcus’ brother.”
“Oh,” she said. Her right foot tripped on a kicked up corner of rug and skedaddled across the floorboards. “Yes, you do look a lot like him.”
“How do you know Marcus?”
“We went to high school together.”
“Ah.”

Frank led Eve through the entrance of the house (several empty rooms bearing the remnants of the introduction of the night. She paused midway to right a picture frame that had been toppled on a bookshelf).
“I haven’t seen Marcus in a long time. Well, since he invited me to the party. We bumped into each other at a store,” she said keenly. Keenly? It took her by surprise to realize she was rather keen to see him again.
“Fantastic. I, myself, met Marcus again by bumping into him at the cinema of all places. Hadn’t seen him in years since,” said Keith. He threw back a gulp of red wine he held in his hand. The hand was thick, red and ropy but held the glass delicately. It reminded you there could be light bones underneath the hardened skin.

“How strange,” she said quietly, “that you shouldn’t see your brother for so long.”
“Yes, well, I was already in uni by the time he started high school. We were never really very close even as children. A bit of an odd one, isn’t he?” Ironic, Eve thought. Frank seemed rather more odd than his brother.
“Any other siblings?”
“A sister,” he said, “A couple of years younger.” His other hand not balancing the wine glass between thumb and index finger waved lazily at a bookshelf holding more pictures. There was a picture of them together; Frank and Marcus with some girl with blonde hair.

“Here we are,” Keith said. Using the full brunt of his body weight, the double wooden doors were pushed open and they stepped through to what must have been the bowels of the house. A beautiful large room, octagonal or heptagonal or hexagonal or pentagonal but not quadrangle in nature. Lights and music and maybe 40 or 50 people.
“Thanks for showing me in,” said Eve. She looked through the door from which she’d come seeing a trek that had seemingly lasted an age.
“You’re welcome.” He went to get himself another beverage.

Marcus with his shock of albino-white hair (perhaps a good thing; ageing might be difficult to spot) was easy to identify through the masses of pulsating blood and alcohol and sweat and some tears (a younger looking girl with cropped brown hair on a phone in the corner, melodramatic wailing).

She waded.

He turned around as she approached.
“Hello,” he said, “I’m glad you were able to make it.”
“I wouldn’t have missed it.”
“You look wonderful.”
“So do you.” A suit. A grey suit. Oh, a suit.
“Beverage?”
“Sure,” she said.

Bev in hand, he led her to a vacant couch where they sat with knees just a few inches apart. Her heart pounded wildly in a way she wasn’t accustomed to. Sometimes she got nervous palpitations while waiting to do a test or get a performance review or running a yellow light. Something she got nervous palpitations while just sitting where her body would go entirely cold and her digestive system would go funny and her hands would go clammy and she would keep glancing at the clock while she waited for something she did not know. But these were different palpitations. These were irregular heartbeats that imbued her with a confidence.

“So, we haven’t had a proper conversation in years,” Marcus said.
“Not since uni,” she agreed.
“Yes,” he said with a solemn nod she saw from the corner of her eye. Her neck was bent at 60 degrees, considering the wrinkle in her periwinkle dress. “We were supposed to meet up again.”
“That didn’t happen.”
“Yes.”
“Sorry about that,” she said and she saw him nod again. His thin, sloping neck not unlike a giraffe’s, albeit a stumpy, severely growth-retarded giraffe.

The night progressed. Eve helped herself to another cold beverage, constructed by a helpful alcohol enthusiast. It tasted good despite the fact the enthusiast looked like he’d had a few too many himself. She talked to a few other people, another boy she recognized from high school with freckles that had stuck to him through to his late 20s, a woman Marcus knew from work.
“He’s brilliant,” she said, “He has wonderful ideas.”
“Yes,” Eve said, thinking about some long-ago conversation she’d once had with him. “Yes, he’s quite brilliant.”

Finally, she talked to the girl with the pale, blonde hair from the picture. Marcus’ sister. She was probably a few years younger. It started out pleasantly enough as they discussed the unique construction of the pineapple house, the flavour of Eve’s drink (she leant the girl a little tipple purely for secondary judgement) and the tendency of the girl’s pale skin to burn.

“From high school?” said the girl, Nancy.
“Yes,” said Eve, “We went to the same uni too but we grew apart.”
“That’s terrible,” said Nancy with either an extremely genuine or extremely well-practiced frown. It could have been a grimace if she wasn’t so delightfully fawnlike and pretty. “Marcus and I met in uni.”
“Uni?”
“Yes. I work at the uni. I guess we’ve been together ever since. Except for this brief time...” and she trailed off in a very gothic-romantic way.
“How wonderful.”
“It is quite wonderful. It’s all happening so fast. The wedding is in October.”
“How wonderful. Excuse me.”

In kitten heels, Eve stood two inches taller than Nancy who stood as well when Eve got up. A look of mirrored concern coloured her sweet face; white except for two expertly placed (oh God, don’t let it be natural, that would be an injustice to the rest of humanity) splotches of pink blush on the apples of her cheeks.
“I just need some fresh air.”
“I do love the seaside,” said Nancy.

Eve had read about hypercausis when she’d divulged briefly in a science and health unit. It was how she felt now as she surged, a weakling wave among boulders and heavy rocks dressed in suits and tasteful dresses. Their voices, all seeming a pitch or two higher than the voices of normal people, was what she heard. Talking about a wonderful musical ensemble they saw in concert recently, an exotic holiday to India where they could help the poor and bask in the cultural delights simultaneously. Oh, there it was. The bile that clawed its way through her oesophagus, her soft palate then scraping through her hard palate. She swallowed it down.

There came the doors, a heavenly saviour that she glimpsed through the dusky musk of the fashionable youths (were they still youths at their late twenties?). She, taking a cue from Keith, thrust her body weight against the door and, in a moment of unfortunate serendipity, the door slammed open and hit the wall with a bang.

Without looking back, she ran through to her escape.

The pebbles again. This time it seemed more difficult, like her kitten heels wanted to frolic with the pebbles. Her calves were tired after some time. The sound was cleaner outside with just the washing-machine ocean behind her. Behind her, behind her. She glanced. The sharp whiteness of his hair was a startling sight against the black sky.

“Eve!” he said. It was clear although his voice was dragged out to sea. She stopped in her kitty-heels, her pathetic little girl’s shoes.
Catching up to her, “You’re leaving?”
“Yes,” she said, “I shouldn’t have come today.”
“That’s not true. It’s great that you came today. It’s great to see you again.”
“It’s your engagement party,” she said, “I didn’t know.”
“It’s not,” he said with a shake of his head.
“But you’re engaged.”
 “Yes, I’m engaged,” he said.
“How wonderful,” Eve said with a smile that she lifted up her head to show him, “and I would love to stay but I have work tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s alright,” she said, “It’s my fault. It was a misunderstanding.”

She left. She saw him even though she didn’t turn around. He was older now, he wore his suit better than he had at their school ball when the material had swallowed him whole. It had still brought a smile to her lips. His was better practiced and disarming. The acne that had plagued him in his younger years had been subdued to lingering scars that gave him a slightly virile appearance.

He’s not odd, she thought. He’s never been odd.

She remembered a day in the last few weeks of high school. The weather was warming and her t-shirt stuck in long, sweaty strips to her back. They were on their way English.
“Hi, Eve,” he said. His voice then was always jovial. She turned her head to look at him. She had been thinking of him for some weeks now. She had been thinking of his jokes and smile and how quick witted he was. She had even once dreamed about him. She had told her friends about him.
“He’s a bit...” Claire had said and that was all it took.

“Hi,” Eve said and little else. The space between them was filled with the screeches of hormonal teenage students. Everyone but them. They reached English class and he turned into his seat. She watched him from her seat and felt a sharp stab of regret.

On the beach, the cold air was a pleasant reminder that she was alive. She got into her car and drove away from that bizarrely fabulous pineapple house, so fitting for a man-boy like Marcus Pebb. It would be the last time she would see him. 

J

Note to Self

Dear Self,

Never bring up anything even mildly interesting in the presence of your father.

Remember this night. You mentioned the ethics essay you're just starting to write. Your father spent the next 20 minutes lecturing you about ethics, ethical principles, how you should write the essay, the right structure of an essay, boring shit and more shit. You migrated from the dinner table to your desk; he followed you and continued to talk. You rested your head on your desk and closed your eyes; he continued to talk.

Remember, remember, the 5th of March.

I have to add this as a final note, Self... You need to stop being an idiot about boys. You always manage to jump from having no feelings whatsoever about a boy to suddenly wanting to Settle Down (Kimbra style. We'll name our firstborn Nebraska Jones) with them. This is stupid and a product of too much television and rom coms. Next time, try to remember all the times you put a boy you barely knew up on a pedestal only to find out they're just a normal, average (or < average) guy.

Also, good luck for your first Writers' meeting tomorrow!

J

Lab Safety Quiz

I am currently completing my mandatory lab safety quiz. I just got to this question (intense MCQ occurring):


It is making me laugh a lot more than I should. I am imagining all options occurring...

Someone standing in the lab in their lab gown hacking away at their hair. Someone leaning over a dish of agar jelly with one hand holding their hair in a ponytail. Someone doing the boring thing. Someone standing outside the lab with their face pressed to the glass.

I am also laughing at the above picture of the two students clearly having a pleasant chat. The female seems to be telling some hilarious joke or maybe doing an impersonation. The male is holding in a chortle or is just trying to appear amused. It's difficult to tell.

I want to know who the above characters are. Were they students of the uni? If so, have they already graduated? Did they get paid for their modelling expertise? Did the Asian dude have to grow out his hair specifically to demonstrate the need to tie it up in a very fetching ponytail for lab seshes?

What's the deal? I need to know. Most of all, I need to know what intriguing/exhilarating story Blondie is telling because I may or may not need to incorporate it into my own stand-up routine.

J

Monday, March 4, 2013

Lady and the Tramp

This morning, I woke up at 6am and had an amazing run. It was all thanks to this somewhat pudgy middle-aged lady walk-running the same route as me.

I saw her ahead of me as I was running (I alternate with walking). As I passed, I said, "Good morning," and she responded curtly and somewhat rudely (seriously, the youth are not the problem in this society). I ran past, hair streaming behind me (as much as hair in a ponytail can stream). After a while, I switched to walking and then I heard Lady pounding away behind me. She jogged past me. I looked at her as she ran ahead of me and thought, "You will never be able to hold your head up high again if you let this Lady overtake you."

I'm a healthy 19 year old! I'm virile! These are my best years!

As you may (or probably not) know, I am doing the Couch to 5k program which involves levels and different timed intervals of walk-running. Usually, I follow it to the letter but this morning I put my foot down. Instead of completing my walking interval, I quickly transitioned to a brisk jog.

For a while, I kept pace with Lady because I thought it would be incredibly awkward if I passed her. But then I remembered how curtly she had responded to my overwhelmingly friendly greeting (maybe it was too overwhelming?) so I hastened and overtook that bitch.

I ran until I couldn't see her anymore (yes, I looked back regularly to check for my arch nemesis) and then started walking again. But that was when I heard the rubbish truck behind me. I thought my entire run was ruined (I think it would be slightly uncomfortable to run abreast to a rubbish truck) but somehow I found the strength in my lactically-acidic legs (yes, I made that term up) to keep running.

Before I knew it, I was home and could enjoy a well deserved hot cross bun.

This blog post is stupid. I'm the tramp.

J

Angry at Harry

Scenario I have to write an ethics essay about:

Harry is tested for HIV after having been on a holiday and is found to be positive. In talking to his doctor about the result, Harry agrees that there is a risk to Jon, his partner, but refuses to allow him to be told. He claims that Jon will become very jealous and upset and might walk out on him. He also resists the idea that he should start using condoms because he believes this will make John suspected there is something wrong.

Can I just say what a fucking douchebag this Harry person is?

First of all, he goes on a holiday without his partner, Jon. Poor Jon was probably slaving away at work for that time, wondering why his supposedly loving partner dogged him to go HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE ON HIS HOLIDAY.

Harry, get it together, man.

Okay, fine. Maybe Jon didn't have enough money to go on a holiday and Harry is a stingy bastard. Maybe Jon couldn't get leave from work. Maybe Jon gets travel sickness or has an irrational fear of holidays. Who knows? But I don't think this justifies HAVING SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE ON YOUR HOLIDAY.

POOR FUCKING JON.

As if this isn't enough, Harry comes back, finds out he has HIV then WON'T USE A CONDOM.

PROTIP: USE A CONDOM IF YOU HAVE HIV.

So Harry is scared Jon will walk out on him if he finds out? Wouldn't it be worse if you DIDN'T tell him THEN he got HIV? DON'T YOU THINK HE MIGHT WALK OUT ON YOU THEN?

I have many feelings about this scenario.

J

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Places I'd Never Been

I just stayed up to the watch the end of Graham Norton (which, coincidentally, is 10.30pm which isn't late at all but I need at least 10 hours of sleep if I'm going to jog in the morning...) to watch Taylor Swift perform.

And I nearly saw her undercarriage.

Her dress was so bloody short and she kept bending over. I was not ready to perform a gynaecological exam on anyone, let alone my musical idol.

She sang decently though. Now waiting to watch her five minute interview.

J

An Interview With Mr. Grant

In year nine English, the AE class had an assignment to interview someone and then present it. If you must know, Kim and I interviewed my next door neighbour at the time but never got around to writing it up (oops)... 

After spending last night reading through Helen's old transcript of the interview she did with Laura and Madeline, I had to post said interview here fully. No changes. All grammatical errors intact (I love that Helen now gives shit to everyone who is grammatically incorrect).

For some back story (for those who have forgotten or were not in our class), Mr. Grant was our sports teacher and a Canadian. He pronounced Freddos as Fraydos (I still remember Helen laughing at this over and over again). 

Now, enjoy it in all its unadulterated perfection:

Laura: Do you give us permission to record this interview and use the information for our presentation?

M. Grant: Yes


Madeline: What would be one way you would describe your childhood?


MG: um… that’s a good question


Helen: into the microphone


MG: in terms of anything, uh… ok… if I were to rate it out of ten I would give it a nine out of ten. Um… cause I had a really god mother and father and they put me through hockey, they took me to all of my games as well as all of my brothers, they did everything for me, birthdays, Christmases, they took us up to the cottage, skiing, can’t really complain about anything. To sum it up, fantastic.


Alex: Were your parents the reason you wanted to be a teacher or…?


MG: uhh… no.


A: ok.


M or L: What inspired you to be a teacher?


MG: Well, I always wanted to be a police officer, however because I have bad vision. I couldn’t get into the police force. So a friend of mine was doing teaching and said “Hey Matt, you gotta come to uni, come to uni, come to brock” – that’s the university I went to – and he told me all about the teaching course and so the next year I just started it and I’ve been going from there. But teaching was always on my list as something to do.


L: did you have to pay your own way through uni or college?


MG: I paid my way while I was actually working full time so I would work shift all night and then I’d get up and go to school. Or I would go to sleep for a few hours and then go to school.


A: how would you have the time do all your work?


MG: I didn’t have much time. I had a pretty relaxed job and it paid pretty well so I would bring my work, my schoolwork into work and do it there. My job, a lot of guys were actually, if you had your job one right then, if I had done my job right then I could actually go to sleep for about 4 or 5 hours, if I slept, I would never sleep on the job… I would do my homework.


L: Were you a bouncer at any point of your life?


MG: so then I did a four year uni degree so after the third year I switched jobs and they put me on a different shift schedule 12 hour shifts and I wasn’t able to do both so I had to quit my job and that’s when I started doing security with my cousin. And that was only on Friday and Saturday nights and I wasn’t making a lot of money.


A: What did you do outside work and school? What did you do in your free time?


MG: um I was doing, that was my fourth year of uni and in terms of workload I was doing a lot of course work so I was doing a lot of home work and stuff and I had to do a lot of volunteer hours, volunteering in high schools and coaching and stuff like that.


M: Did you have anytime to do anything besides your homework?


MG: yes of course. 


M: then what did you do?


[laughter]


MG: uhh.. played sports and stuff on sport teams I played um… recreational ice hockey, basketball, yea I guess that was about it, and you know, socializing with friends, watching the hockey games, basketball games during the week.


A: Did you ever think of any of those as a career?


MG: you mean the sports? Probably when I was young. Til I realized I was not good enough.


A: That’s harsh (!)


MG: well you know, you know when you young its really hard to make that kinda job.


M: Did you have any idol or inspiration when you were growing up?


MG: um.. yea probably like, most NHL players wayne gretzky, and for basketball most definitely Michael jordan, have you heard of Michael Jordan?


[agreement chatter]


MG: well yea.


MG: Well I actually loved the balls, I used to watch them all the time with Michael Jordan, absolutely loved them.


L: How long have you been teaching for?


MG: … 6 months.


Helen: wow your old.


[laughter]


H: why did you come to Australia?


MG: I had to come to do my teaching degree because I was on the waiting list back home because its really hard to get in to teaching at home.


L: So when you leave, are you going to be put on another waiting list to get a job?


MG: you have to apply to get a job so I wouldn’t necessarily have a job back home. 


M: What would you do if you were put on to another waiting list to get a job?


MG: I was on a waiting list to get into the final year of school, like, the year of teaching, I wasn’t on the waiting list for a job, I was on a list to get into uni. So I came here to do uni.


M: but hat would you do if you go home and there is no jobs available? What job would you do?


MG: I don’t really know… maybe work in a bar or something.


H: ambitious…


[laughter]


MG: Well I would definitely would, it would just be a matter of time before til I’d get a job teaching. Or I would go somewhere else maybe. If there were no jobs, a friend of mine sed that he’s teaching in North West territories of Canada, and they pay really well. But, that’s if you want to go up there. That is cold.


H: so wouldn’t you be able to come back to Australia?


MG: would I ne able to? I can stay til January im just leaving because this jobs over and the Canadian school starts in September so if I leave in august I figure I can get a job and go from there. There on summer break right now.


M: How is life here compared to life in Canada?


MG: um… in terms of …?


L: in terms of your opinion.


MG: How it affects me, being here without family and all the friends you grew up with and that’s a lot different cause it feels like your on your own. In terms of weather and the people and the [h: students] stuff here, its fantastic. Its been great. 


H: so you don’t have anyone you know here?


MG: yea like friends I met last year through uni and stuff. There’s a couple. 


M: So you have no relatives or …?


MG: No. And that makes you really relies how important family is, I know that’s cliché, but it really does mean something when your away for a long period of time. 


L: What part of Canada did you live in? [A: We need details]


MG: Toronto Canada its in Ontario.


A: In school, were you classified as a trouble maker or the complete opposite?


MG: I was in between, I was doing well until about year 10, and that’s wen I just started being a bone head for the last couple of years, adolescence being stupid and yeah. 14, 15, 16 year old… but up until then I was a good student. 


A: Did anything provoke that or…?


MG: I think just going through puberty and rules and parents… 


M: If you weren’t a teacher, what career path would you have followed?


MG: maybe … uhhh… an electrician.


L: why would you be an electrician?


MG: I don’t know. It wasn’t until recently cos a friend recently got into it, and I thought, maybe at this age, I would’ve gone into it. I never thought that before yea I don’t know. Maybe um… maybe the window person at hungry jacks.


H: No you have to start as a kitchen hand first and you progress.


MG: but see yea, that’s what I would want, to be that window person.


L: what are your future ambitions?


MG: ive thought about that a lot lately cause I wasn’t sure whether or not I was gonna stay here. So my plan right now is … they’re always changing for whatever reasons… is to go home, start working at home and then as a teacher you can work as a teacher for 4 years… sorry you work for 5 years and then u get that last yar pff with 80% of you pay, so I an do that and then come back here in like, 6 years, and maybe teach for the year, cos I really enjoy it here. Yea so that’s probably what I would like to do, and then get married and have two kids a boy and a boy. No a boy and a girl. Boy first though… 


H: how old are you?


MG: 28.


L: do you think you will keep in contact with the people you’ve met here?


MG: yes, through email definitely. i have not, or have I wrote a letter, no I don’t think I have, oh I have written a letter. 


L or M: Do you think there’s a difference in the education standards from Canada to Australia?


MG: definitely. firstly the leveling system and second of all in terms of the TEE exams they don’t do them at home. ------ high school at home its year 9, 10, 11 and 12, there’s no seven and eights in the school. There’s no little kids running around the school and there’s no big kids so I think that’s a big influence on them. The Canadian high schools, basically in year nine you have to decide whether you are going to go to college, which is like trades sort of thing, or university which would be the academic sort of thing. So you decide that in year nine basically and then your path is basically changes from there, unless you decide to swap, which would be hard going from the easier college choices to the harder university choices. So I don’t like the fact that at home your basically deciding what you are going to do in year nine. Where I think that’s too young. 


H: so what’s the actual difference between university and college? Cos I have a friend…


MG: you can go from high school to college to uni, or going straight to either one from high school. College is like trades and stuff, uni is more like advanced things. But a lot of people would do college for two years and then go to uni.


[end]


J

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Smile With Your Eyes

I had this obese middle aged man say I have a great smile today at work. IT MADE MY FUCKING DAY.

For the next two Saturdays, R is going to be working at the same time as me. Ooh. I've been reading some of our old blogs from high school and it is depressing me greatly that I still have the mentality we had as 15 and 16 year olds. I'm still mooning hopelessly over guys and thinking about how great tomorrow will be instead of today. 

I have nothing left to say. Except that my brother's girlfriend came over for dinner tonight (I know; the fact that he has found someone disgusts me) and mother made almond jelly dessert. Eating it was like pouring acid into my eyes and licking my own faeces. Why do almond flavoured things taste so terribly bad when almonds themselves are delicious? It's so wrong. Ethically.

Actually, I have more to add. I keep thinking about this time in year 11/12 when Kim and Travis were "going out." And by "going out" I mean they were maybe holding hands, looking dreamily into each others' eyes and maybe there was some private masturbation going on. Little Mishelle and I came up with this fabulous plan and then we executed it; we told Kim that Travis had an erection (of the penis) while they were sitting together at lunch.

THIS STILL MAKES ME LAUGH. 

J

One a Penny, Two a Penny

Mother bought a sack (I really like the word "sack") of hot cross buns and they're sitting on the kitchen counter. I want to eat one. I'm not hungry; I am just craving the spicy sweetness, the brittle chewiness of the white icing. I crave it with a mortal weakness. 

And now I'm thinking about Lord of the Rings. 

Hot cross buns should not be associated with all that is holy; they are the Devil's buns. Who else could conjure such a delicious bun? I would dive into a vat of hot cross buns and eat them all, even if that meant I would die. They're so good. The bread itself is always perfect; so soft and chewy. You know the bread that collapses in on itself to form a chewy, dense mess when you take a bite? Oh, to take a bite. 

Then there's the spice and fruit. I'm usually not much of a dried fruit girl (unless I'm trying to be healthy and shit?) but the dried fruit in hot cross buns always intermingles so well with the spices. It blows my mind. And they are always moist. It's like the raisins have been plucked straight from a grape vine and not dried at all. No, from a raisin vine. It's as if they're not dried fruit at all; just really intense, ugly fresh fruit.

I could just smell a bun all day. I really could. 

And then for the white icing (if that is the real name?). So under appreciated yet so integral to the hot cross bun. Without it, it would just be a hot bun. And if you didn't heat it up, it would just be a bun (speaking of which, one should NEVER not heat/toast a hot cross bun). Have you ever TASTED the white icing by itself? It tastes of nothing. Yet when you get a bite of that divinity in your mouth all sloshed up with the bready goodness... So good. The texture, the texture!

I think I'm going to eat a hot cross bun now. Save me.

J

Friday, March 1, 2013

Sockettes

Killed it at Friendquest 2013 again today. But far out, being friendly is exhausting. And I wasn't even that friendly. I don't really understand how some people can be constantly "switched on." You know, the people who walk into a room with this massive smile and stay like that for the whole time? Those people sicken me.

I'm on the quest for the perfect sockettes. The ones Big Michelle bought me from Malaysia are coming in close. They're pretty much perfect and don't show when you're wearing flats. It's the construction of them; they have this little covering bit for the toes but the rest is pretty much just on the sole of the foot. The ones you buy in Australia are always constructed like huge sacks! What that shit?

I ran three minutes straight this morning. That's impressive for me!

J